All Gone

Guess what Christy... Our friendship is truly over... I finished off all the blue pixie sticks.

Calmed and Poised

My life is slowing down to a crawl... I never thought I'd see the day. I do however have to be careful not to become lethargic. I need to go back to school.

As for my dating life... THERE IS NONE... hehehe. Rare, but enjoyable. Right now I'm in love with Call of Duty 4. It keeps me sane. I also am enjoying my lakers... even though they're rarely on TV out here. Maybe, now that they're good again they'll be on TV more often.

No more Christy by the way. She texted me on Sunday, during the worst part of Army and it just made me hard in the heart... Almost to the point of hating her. I will never allow her back into my life. She poisons anyone she is around. I realize that now.

Here's to revelations...

Goodbye

Goodbye Christy. I'm sick of the drama. This time there are hard feelings and I'm pissed at you. You called me an ahole and told me to go to hell. You said you hate me... Well... I Don't Care.

Second String

Today, I definitely feel like Second String... And so the day of wrath continues. Don't ask... I won't explain.

Tired

I'm tired of my dad and his girlfriend. They wake me up at all hours and give me headaches... sleeplessness... Not to mention she is ruining his life. This is complete bullshit and I hate it. She dumps him when he doesn't pay her bills... How fucked up is that?! She is the spawn of Satan to me... *sigh*

Single

Kinda weird being single again... But there is less stress than being in a relationship. Time to play again...

Transformers

I do have to say that transformers is probably the best movie of the last 10 years... Everyone needs to go see it. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!

Migraines

I am so tired of migraines. I was awoken early (on the one day I was looking forward to sleeping in all day...) by a migraine. An hour after I woke up I was so sick that I took a pill called Maxalt and it altered all of reality for me. Right now I am up and about because the bed kept spinning. I hate migraines... My poor mother has had one for almost 10 straight years. I don't know how she does it because when the pain gets to this level for me it puts me in bed. Grrr... I hope it doesn't continue like this for the rest of my life.
As for today I don't have much planned. So I guess everything is gonna work out. Maybe I'll get to play computer games... Right. Like I can look at the computer screen for long. Speaking of which, see ya. I can't do it anymore. Wish me luck in my chemically induced alternate reality.

Destiny, Laying Low, and Reconstruction

So I've been reviewing what is seen as my destiny... and it is a very cluttered one with a lot of action. I guess I've always known that though, every since I was young. Everyone else pretended that they were gonna save the world, I always knew that I was gonna do my part to actually save it. So I have a rough and tumble future ahead of me and anybody who knows me well should know that there is nothing that can change it.

For the time being I am just laying low, staying out of everyone's way. I have to lay low or I'll end up being caught in the middle of something unpleasant. I have a year left before I have to kick it into high gear. So... As I said... I'm laying low.

Let the reconstruction of everything begin. And oh it is happening.

Army

Sitting here, aching, tired, migraine. What a weekend. Army started at 5:30am yesterday. It was too early. My entire body has been messed up since then. First thing that I found out is that my leader had an attack that was similar a heart attack and was hospitalized. The second in command is going to prison soon so I think that he no longer cares about coming to army so that left me as the senior ranking individual. We went to the ranges to shoot and I got done pretty quickly but a lot of people didn't so we waited around all day until almost all of them finished. We left and went back to the armory where we turned our weapons in and then were sent home. I spent the rest of the night relaxing until I fell asleep. We went back this morning to run the physical fitness test. I passed for the first time this year. It's nice to be in the clear at least for a couple of months. Until WLC. *sigh* I'm not looking forward to 2 weeks of being yelled at by men with small penises. Anyways we took until 11:30 and then we began cleaning our weapons. That was how we spend most of the afternoon. Cleaned weapons and watched movies on my laptop. Lots of people were drooling over my laptop. It was funny. Our cleanup wasn't much, but then they made me do an after action review... Paperwork. Not my favorite thing. Now I lay here on my back and hurt. I'm on plenty of drugs to help ease my migraine and muscle aches. Well, I'll be back to my Babylon 5 now...

Post Birthday

So I started off my birthday by going out with my friend Jason shooting. We took a couple of Christmas decorations that I got from Kirkland's. Ceramic snowmen were blown apart by rifles and shotguns. We had a lot of fun taking them out. A couple of angel candlesticks as well. We had a blast.
Then I went home and watched the new James Bond that my cousin got for me. It was then that Christy contacted me again and I invited her to go bowling with us that night. Lizzy told me that it would be fine, so I invited her. When she got to my house you could see that she wasn't exactly at ease. She was pretty nervous but we weren't gonna ruin my birthday with any fireworks and we had 6 months apart from each other. So we all went bowling and then Lizzy started to have a little anxiety because I was paying a lot of attention to Christy bc we were at ease with each other. I felt so bad and I didn't want her to feel like she was losing me. So I stuck close to her for the rest of the night. We bowled 4 games and they snuck out and got me a cake to embarrass me. Silly heads... I won the last two games.
When we got home Christy stuck around for about 20 minutes then took off and went dancing. Lizzy stayed and drank a little to ease her nerves. My poor baby. I'm sorry that Christy stressed you out so bad :(

Yes/No Game

Rule #1:If you open this you GOTTA take it.

Rule # 2:You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks

Rule # 3:you can only answer " yes " or " no "

Q: Kissed someone on your top friends?
A: yes

Q: Been arrested?
A: no

Q: Kissed someone you didn't like?
A: yes

Q: Do you like someone?
A: yes

Q: Do they know?
A: yes

Q: Held a snake?
A: yes

Q: Been suspended from school?
A: no

Q: Been fired from a job?
A: no

Q: Sang karaoke?
A: yes

Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
A: yes

Q: Laughed until you started crying?
A: yes

Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
A: yes

Q: Kissed in the rain?
A: yes

Q: Sang in the shower?
A: yes

Q: Sat on a roof top?
A: yes

Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
A: yes

Q: Broken a bone?
A: no

Q: Shaved your head?
A: yes

Q: Played a prank on someone?
A: yes

Q: Had/have a gym membership?
A: yes

Q: Made a girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
A: yes

Q: Shot a gun?
A: yes

Q: Donated Blood?
A: yes

Q: Had your heart broken?
A: yes

Q: Broken someone's heart?
A: yes

Q: Do you like someone on you top friends?:
A: yes

REPLY THEN REPOST AS THE "yes/no game"

Vacation

Oh I forgot how nice it is to be on vacation. Not just from school but work as well. It is nice to not have to worry about doing anything or going anywhere. Time to sit and chill, and play with my new laptop that cost me a bundle. For everyone who doesn't know... My birthday is on Saturday... Only the best Holiday of the Year! Oh, and Christy has decided to make an appearence... This should be interesting to say the least.

Look at Me

So I haven't blogged in forever and I used to blog religiously. Weird huh? So I am still going to school off and on. Been going out with Lizzy for 5 months today (yay!) and we're still going strong. Even though we've been fighting some this week. As for me I'm just working and trying to get through school. I was forced to buy a new computer (Christy busting my other one still haunts me) and I like it even though it is pretty big. I get to play all my games again and don't have to worry about the battery dying in less that a minute.
Rumors of Iraq keep coming so we'll see how that unfolds over the next couple of months. My unit is changing so I am going to become a Military Police officer. That outta be interesting to say the least. I don't know where my decisions will leave me over the next 4 years with my military career.
I've been hurting this week. I rolled my ankle and threw my back out on Sunday during my physical fitness test.
So that's all I got for now. Laters

Flu

So I have been sick for the last 3 days. It's starting to wear me out. I tried to walk today and I almost fell over. Ugh. I have being sick more than I hate other parts of my life. And I really don't have time to be sick. It especially hurts my morning classes because I feel worst in the morning. Luckily monday night I made it to my class because I had a test. I'm doing better in that class than I originally thought. But anyways, I hope I heal soon. But now I have to go take care of the faker, my brother. Who stayed up too late last night and decided he was gonna stay home.

Halloween

So we had a little party last night and watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Broke three new people into the cult. I don't know if they are true believers yet. I don't know yet what I am going to do about Halloween. But this year is a good year. It should be great.

Status Quo No More

So peoples... I'm in love with Lizzy.

A New Day

So I have a new woman in my life. Lizzy. For all those who are behind on my life, Christy and I called our friendship off on September 11th. However we did run into each other after a month. We are skittish of each other and barely talked after that. The feelings and the wounds run too deep I guess. She hardly forgives and I finally am holding a grudge. I do miss her and she owns a piece of my heart to this day.
Onto Lizzy. She is an amazing woman and goes to BYU. I met her 4 days after my fiasco with Christy and we have been dating for 4 weeks. We've been a couple for 2 weeks. It is so nice. We are inseperable. But I love her deeply. We are so different but we are so good to one another. I hope that we last. That is my fear because I have never had a relationship last longer than 3 months. So we shall see. We are going to California together so it should be a lot of fun. I just hope my family is as warm to her as they were to Christy...

End of April

So another month has come and gone. But more importantly, another semester has come and gone. This was definitely a lot harder than the last one and you remember all the drama I had in that one. It was horrible. But this one, takes the cake. Working almost full time, 18 credits at school, and my extreme personal life with Christy, tooks it's toll on me. The ashes are finally settling: Christy and I are trying to repair our friendship; I failed one, two, or three classes, I don't know yet (1 for sure); Courtney and I are talking pretty regularly; Hailey has disappeared; My dad has had some pretty interesting financial battles; and I have finally seen that I must prepare my life and get as much done with it before Iraq (Iran) again. Yes, and I'm buying a XBox 360 and a PSP. I need to get things rolling and my personal happiness is on the line.

The summer has begun and I hope everyone has a good time. Perhaps we should all hang out again, just like we used to...

Tension

So for me, tension is rising. I have few regular friends and I'm starting to get the same dreams and feelings that I felt in early 2003. For me, that means the war drums are beating again. So I look to the middle east and the news is, IRAN TELLS U.N. THAT THEY WILL CONTINUE TO ENRICH URANIUM. Mmmm... So I may return to the Middle East sooner than I thought. And the way my life is turning, I might even welcome it. With the loss of Christy, I don't have much I wish to do anymore, and $30,000+ in my pocket, living off of the government. Downside is, life and death again. Oh dear. Tomorrow is my last day of school. Joyus day for me. 3 months without school (maybe even more).
But... Nobody worry. Nothing in stone yet.

A Little Story

Christy and I have ended our friendship of more than a year has ended. It seems that once I pass the year mark anymore, the friendship ends. But we were more than friends since she went to California with me for Thanksgiving. We were so close, too close. We were totally wrapped up in one another's lives. We spent so much time together. So now it is going to be especially hard because there is a gaping hole in my heart. I was afraid that she was drifting away from me and in my arrogance, I pushed her to spend more time with me and then when I confronted her, I didn't do it gently, I accused her. And now I have pushed her away forever. Another loss in the long line of my life. Goodbye Christy.

Goodbye Cruel World

Is this the end? I haven't decided yet. I think my life as I know it is over. New book. Time to start over.

Upcoming Summer

I don't know how this summer is going to be. Last year I had so many people to hang out with, but now it is different. My best friend and I are going through a rough patch. I told her last night that I want more from her than friendship. She pretty much implied there wasn't a chance in Hades. I respect that decision except I don't think it is true. We've had an ongoing Love Affair since Thanksgiving, but in last couple of weeks she's wanted to stop it cold. I did tell her last night that I want to date her again. So we shall see. She's changed on me for the time being and I don't exactly feel comfortable with this change.
So life presses on. This is my last week if school. I'm excited. I just want to chill. It's been a long time since I've done two full semesters in a row (I think the last time was my senior year in high school.) I'm tired and just want to work through the summer. I do have two weeks of Army in June and 6 days between July and August. Hopefully I will get promoted to Sergeant this year (since I'm actually putting in for it.) I just want to have fun, so we'll see. I think it's gonna be a very laid back summer. Which is ok, but I think I'll get bored. I think I'm gonna take up reading again.
So I think I'm gonna be kinda selfish, because I want what I want. I've been pretty selfless lately and it's getting me nowhere. So, we'll see what happens...

Only Human

So I am only Human. I like everyone else, make mistakes, and I pay for them. Usually I do self-punishment. And I have. For the last 3 days I've been pretty hard on myself for something that I did. I have to live with it. Now it will never happen again. But someone else doesn't know how to react to me. I guess I am totally evil. But I'm not. It's just dumb. I'm Human. It's me, Chris. So, whatever... If you can't get over it, you don't deserve my friendship because I cannot be friends with someone who doesn't trust me.

Why?

Always. When things are going grand, a huge-ass wrench is thrown in the mix. It screws up everything. I'm so sad again. Lord, I beseech thee, grant me true happiness.

I'm Older

So now I'm 24. I'm getting older. But as I've found out, I still have a lot of life left in me. My birthday party was the bomb. It was so much fun. I hope that everyone enjoyed themselves because I sure did. I know the boys were up until 5am playing Halo, I however didn't make it past 2:30. The next day however Christy and I did make it to 4am. Partyin'. We have too much fun together. Hahaha. Is there such a thing as too much fun? I don't think so. So I get to spend this whole week on vacation. With only one day that I have to do stuff. That's it. Finally I get to sit on my butt all day, for the first time in a long time. I love it. No alarms, nothing but fun and pleasure. I'm gonna read all day. Have lunch with my Christy the rest of the week. Get little things done that I need to get done. Work out, tan. Get into a rhythm that I've been seeking the whole semester. Oh yeah, and party at night. Can't forget that part. Hee hee hee. Also, I think everyone needs to check in and let us (me), know how you're doing.

Silence

I sit here,
Night after night,
Drawing a picture of
Something that does not exist.

My pictures are beautiful,
Sitting on the Canvas,
Until the water hits them;
And I realize,
While the paint runs,
It is nothing but a picture...

Then the fear hits,
Striking my heart,
Making me wonder,
If all I'm ever gonna have,
Is just these pictures.

My dark room,
My dreams
My wants and desires;
Are all that I seem to have.

Everytime something tangible
Passes within my grasp,
It always ends up
Being too good to be true.

So what can I do,
About this hurt from within?
Press on and act
Like a person who's soul is gone.

A Little Fun

So not much is up. I just did an army weekend, we're in the middle of midterms. Christy and I are gettin along. For you Kelly, the story is that we're up and down. Sometimes we're totally mad for each other, other times we're just warm. Mostly because of her. She doesn't like commitment, so she shies away. When she does that, my attention tends to wander to other girls. So we keep going. We're best friends and really close. She pulled out a letter fromlast year. Something happened that I didn't like and i wrote my response. I don't remember it but it boiled down to giving me a chance and I am worth every minute you put into the friendship. I asked her if I was worth it and she said that I was worth more than every minute she put into me. So we hang out constantly. We did try the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but she just got downright mean with me. So we stay best friends, with benefits. We just try to stay out of trouble. Time will tell. Just like always...

February's End

So we are at the end of the month. It's gone pretty fast and been an interesting ride. My trip from Colorado was fairly interesting. High speeds trying to get over the mountain passes before nightfall. I drove the entirety of the trip because Christy was sick and is not comfortable with driving at night, so I ended up driving all 8 hours. Which was ok, but it exhausted me. So yesterday I was pretty much useless. I ended up with Christy at the end of the day and we spent some more time together. She's amazing.

A Good Week

This has definitely been a good week. I spend Valentine's Day making dinner for Christy and then I spent most of the week with her. On Friday we departed for Colorado to visit my family. It was a rough night because the pass over the mountains was insanely icy, but it was good after we got past all those passes. I drove into Denver and it was pretty easy. We slept most of the morning yesterday and talked the afternoon away. Then we visited with some old friends of the family who wanted to see me, who haven't seen me for a good decade. Today I got to visit with my godmother (a catholic thing). I haven't seen her since 2003. We spent a long while catching up and her husband talked to Christy most of the time. It was fun. She wanted to see me so bad and I obliged her. Christy and I are getting along really well. We just keep getting closer. I love her so much and I let her know that. Have a wonderful rest of the weekend everybody.

My Friend!!!

Oh My, I have found my friend, Mr. Everclear here in Utah County. He missed me and I missed him...

"Regret makes you old and bitterness poisons the ones around you" - One Tree Hill

So Christy and I tried a relationship. It didn't work. 5 days before it was officially over. She didn't like and neither did I. I love kissing her, I love holding her, and I love her, but she was kinda rude to me. That I did not like. I couldn"t even say a sarcastic remark and it was taken the wrong way.

So that's what it's been. There has been drama, there has been fighting, and it is still going on. She doesn't want to talk to me. So, I go on, do my thing and see what is happening. I don't know what else to do. It's almost like there is something wrong with me. That's how it feels sometimes. But, I wasn't being mean, except for when I yelled at her and told her what she was saying to me was bullshit. That was it. I can only take so much before I pop. Christy and I are supposed to go out to see my mom in Colorado, but who knows if that's gonna happen. Worse yet, we're supposed to have Valentine's dinner. But I don't know about that.

Needless to say I'm sad. I'm losing my best friend.

Things You Need to Know About Me

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Chris!

1. Never store Chris at room temperature!
2. The eye of an ostrich is bigger than Chris.
3. The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, Chris and compline.
4. It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at Chris!
5. Ancient Greeks believed earthquakes were caused by Chris fighting underground!
6. The National Heart Foundation recommends eating Chris at least three times a week.
7. The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as Chris.
8. Chris has 118 ridges around the edge.
9. Chris can taste with his feet.
10. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of Chris.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

I got this one off of Megan's Blog.

A Choice

I want Savanna

Seeing in the Dark

Today is a dark day. It sucks because I am so unpleasant when I'm like this. The only thing I feel like doing is killing. I guess these moods would be wonderful for my time that I spend in the Army or when my carrer in the dark side of law enforcement is in full swing, but these days in civilian, everyday life are dangerous for me. I don't want to be around anybody, I just want to put myself in a corner and avoid contact. I don't want to say anything bad to anybody, I don't want to offend anyone. Last time I was in one of these moods Christy called me and it didn't turn out too well. She didn't want to talk to me the whole weekend, but she ended up coming to see me anyways and I made it up to her. She ended up adoring me again, but I don't want to be this way. And people always tell me "Well if you were doing all the things you were supposed to be doing, staying active in the church, days like this wouldn't exist." But guess what, the deeper I go into the church, the more days like this I end up having. So I have to sit on the sidelines so I don't feel overwhelmed. Someday I'll be able to control it better, but I am still young and have a hard time with the darkness within. And I know it is within, because it has been there as long as I can remember. I was afraid of the dark for the longest time because of it, but in reality I was really scared of what lies within. I know it is one of those days because my heart feels like it is being squeezed. Like something is trying to evict my soul. I have to maintain the balance between good and evil, inside myself.

Weekly Update

So the last couple of weeks have definitely been interesting. I've been running on fumes for the last week. I had Friday off, but it wasn't nearly enough for me. A week of work and a weekend of Army. So I'm looking to take Friday off again so I get 3 days straight off to catch up. I have Army again on the 4th and 5th. Ugh... This last weekend I went to Army and we did a bunch of paperwork, and I got the flu shot. Last night while I was working my 12 hour shift yeaterday, I started to feel pretty sick. I am looking forward to spending some time with Christy tomorrow and this weekend. I'm so used to spending my weekends with her, so this last one pretty much sucked. Everything is going good. I'm just tired.

She Hates Me

Met a Girl
Thought she was grand
Fell in love
Found out first hand
Went well
For a week or two
Then it all came unglued
In a trapped trip
I can't gripnever thought
I'd be the one who'd slip
Then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

She fucking hates me
Trust
She fucking hates me
La, la, la, la
I tried to hard
And she tore my feelings
Like I had none
And ripped them away

She was queen
For about an hour
After that shit got sour
She took all I ever had
No sign of guilt
No feeling of bad, no

In a trapped trip
I can't grip
Never thought
I'd be the one who'd slip
Then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

She fucking hates me
Trust
She fucking hates me
La, la, la, la
I tried to hard
And she tore my feelings
Like I had none
And ripped them away

That's my story
As you see
Learned my lesson
And so did she
Now it's over
And I'm glad
'Cause I'm a fool
For all I've said

She fucking hates me
Trust
She fucking hates me
La, la, la, la
I tried to hard
And she tore my feelings
Like I had none
And ripped them away

La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
Trust
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
Trust
And she tore my feelings
Like I had none
She fucking hates me

I love this song by Puddle of Mudd

Calmed Down

So I think I might be talking to an empty audience, but it's all good. I got all of my school stuff settled, it was all their fault. So at this time they are reinstating my scholarship, and I am off of Academic Probation. That is where I'm gonna stay too. No more messing up. I am much more comfortable with school this semester. I think it is the feeling that almost all of my generals will be completed after this one and I should have my Associate's at the end of the summer. I'm gonna be a Junior in the fall! Finally. I started college in Fall 2001. I should be graduated after Spring 2008. Then I head off to get my master's. I've decided I don't stop until I get my master's. Then I go find a job and begin working on my doctorate. Imagine me, with a PHD. Scary, huh? Hehehe. I've got a long road ahead of me. If I had been smart, I would've graduated High School with an Associate's...

Total Aaaaaargh!

So the new year is not so hot. I found out that my scholarship has been withdrawn and so I get to pay this semester out my pocket, unless I can sweet talk the financial advisors... It sucks though. I want to go, but if I have to fight every step of the way, I'm probably just gonna withdraw. I'm sick of fighting. Christy wants me to press on, but I got even more demoralized when I found out I had a registration hold on me last night. So I am getting extremely frustrated. I can't wait till all this shit is over. Aaaaargh!

New Year & School

So it is the new year and school has started once again. Oh, yay I've missed it. Right. So I've only had two classes and I already have two homework assignments. Yikes. Stupid generals. BUT... after this semester I only have to complete math for the end of my generals. I think I'm gonna get it done this summer and I will most likely have my associates. The first person on my dad's side to get one. On my mom's side everyone but my mom has a degree.

So New Year's went off without a hitch. The only thing that sucked about it was that I was in Orem and Christy was in Layton. We decided next year we will be at the same party. Shorty drank for the first time ever. The only person who drank more than him was my dad, and Shorty didn't even get a buzz. Too many painkillers over the years. Don got moody, I got hazed, my Dad was drunk and blew up a bottle rocket in his face, my aunt got loud and obnoxious, her husband relaxed, and Jason refused to drink, but he did get so tired that he was acting like a drunk. (He had too much fun making out with his new love interest the next day.)

Well that's all I have for now. 5 more semesters...

Christmas

Merry Christmas everybody. The day is over, I was on the slopes at 9:30 and was totally wasted by 2:00. I now know that a halfday of snowboarding is for me. I came close to fracturing my hand on one of my beautiful face dives. I have decided that next time I'm gonna have an instructor go with me for an hour. I can board, but not as well as I want to. I now remember why I quit boarding when I was younger, the pain in my ass.

I got some interesting things for Christmas as I always do. Got boarding pants and a pair of gloves that I tore right through on the first run. On the second run I tried to do a reverse and almost did my face in, but my hand took the fall. Anyways, the best gift of all came from Christy, she got me the entire collection of Calvin & Hobbes. That girl is amazing. Oh, how I love her.

I hope everyone is having good holidays.

December Blues!

Okay, so too many people have the december blues. It's driving me nuts. I'm usually the scrooge, but I have a generally better disposition than most this year. I think it is because my life is leveling off and I am satisfied. But everyone else is trying to have someone for the holidays. If you can learn anything from me, it is that you can still be alone and happy. And what my dad taught me is when you stop looking, someone finds you. I don't mean sit in a corner and shut off all contact, just don't go looking. That's how it's always worked with me and I have the most wonderful people in my life. So let it happen people and live for yourselves and no one else. Enjoy your life, it only happens once!

December Days

So it's December and school is winding down and work is still pretty aggressive, but it's the holidays. This next week I am out of school, and hopefully I passed all my classes because if I didn't, I'm gonna be in a world of hurt. I have faith that I did though. And I have moved back into my dad's house and am gonna be selling my contract at the apartment complex. Parkway Crossing isn't all it's cracked up to be. Since I'm gonna be going to school 18 hours next semester and work full time. So I'm back in my dad's basement, which is okay with me. I get to save some money. Back to school and not worry about things. Christy likes it because we don't have to worry about roommates and I'm a lot closer to her.

So it is done. Except I still have to sell my contract.

Inconcievable

So I had an unexpected response from my Blog. Courtney read it and called me. She called me intending to ask me to stop blogging about her and ended up talking for an hour and coming to a comprimise. She can call me and talk to me and we are going to try the friendship thing. So as she said, the saga continues. BUT... There is nothing else, I cannot walk down that road again. So she and I both get what we want and everybody else does as well. My heart is my own and I'm not looking for love, school is my priority. I will admit, part of me still loves her, but as a friend. So here goes nothing...

The Saga Ends

Yet another Chapter in my life has closed (which ironically is pretty close to the end of the year), and I get to look forward to a brighter future because those last pages of this chapter were pretty dark. But I'm not sad because I knew that this Thanksgiving would make or break my relationship with Courtney. It broke it and I can go back to being the Fun and Fancy Free Chris I was before. As for my life... It's pretty good. I have good friends and family and I'm finally doing well in school and I've gone for 3 semesters in a row (even though I bombed last semester.) I'm signed up for 18 credits and am finally into the classes that matter for my degree. It's so nice. Stupid generals... Anyways, I had a fun Thanksgiving and it looks like it's gonna be a fun Christmas. Jason (my army buddy and stockroom co-worker at Kirkland's) and I are gonna go snowboarding this season and our first outing is gonna be Christmas Day. Open presents at like 6 and then take off for the slopes. I can't wait.

My biggest regret is that I did turn down a few gorgeous women that I probably could've had some really good times with, but I was still enamored with Courtney (and Christy), so I missed out on those opportunities. Then reason that I'm not sad is that it releases stress on me, because everything was on her terms. When she called, she wanted to talk. If you didn't talk, she would get upset. So not having to worry about when she calls and make sure a female voice can't be heard when she does, takes a load off. Also I am the kind of person who does not submit. She needs someone who does submit. I comprimise, but I still want my say. Even in the Army, I still put my say in. So I don't know how to submit, so expecting it of me is asinine.

So I'm pushing on with a full blessing from my family. They are tired of me being upset over one girl. Even my friends are. So I focus on school and hang out with people who will never use me and be supportive without expecting anything but my friendship in return. This is nice. Too many fish in the sea, especially here. My cousin Candice is the one who stresses this one the most. She thinks I'm absolutely adorable and deserve only the best. My aunt agrees. So who am I to argue with them? My dad told me to stop looking and do what I need to do for myself, not for anyone else. And that's where I stand. Friends. That's all I need. Don't need drama. Relationships in college are stupid anyway, they just get in the way. Jason said it best "College is for learning. With all those boys on that list, how did she have time for school?" I laughed my ass off. He has a point. My dating average is 3 girls a semester, she had 7 plus. Wow. Okay then. Sorry, I pay $200 a semester and can't justify wasting it, how can she justify burning however much she does (and remember she's paying out-of-state at a private university.) Normally I wouldn't say this stuff in public, but she turned it into a grudge match with the stuff she posted on her blog. So I guess I can vent.

I love all of you who have been good to me and thank you for supporting me for the last 13 months (or less.) I appreciate all of you and will never forget your kind ears and generous advice. Thank You!

100%

So Courtney totally pushed me away now and so I no longer will even try with her. The reason for this can be read on her blog http://thegirlofyourmomsdreams.blogspot.com
I now realize that I should've pushed her away the first time she lied to me, last December. Now I feel like I've wasted a year of my life and a lot of money on a horrible investment. I spent $500 on her ticket to California, over $1000 on my trip to Tulsa to see her. Hundreds on stuff that I've sent to her. Karen always told me I was too good for her, now it's totally apparent to me. I was so nice to her last night and she had already written that blog so she can go live out there in her paradise Tulsa. Power to you and good riddance.

If you haven't gotten what I'm saying, I'm 100% done with the lies, the secrets, and the guilt trips. Done. 100% done with Courtney Wilson.

Chest Pains

So as Ryan is having anxiety attacks, I am having chest pains. I only have them once in a while (like every other year), but this is twice in one week. My heart is broken, my faith shattered, and hope vanquished. I am now a shell of what I once was. Between Courtney informing me that she has a boyfriend, Christy getting my hopes up, then turning me down again, and Savanna constantly going after guys nowhere near the likes of me, I find myself wondering why I stay here. Why do I sit here and take the constant punishment? If I wanted punishment I could go into the army full time and get paid a helluva lot better than I am now. I find myself longing for Iraq, because then at least life is an adventure. At least I know I'm doing something for someone else. Instead I go to school and work day after day, trying to stay on top, for what purpose I do not know. I have dreams, but they all involve me sharing my life with someone. I'm 23 and all alone. I love my best friend, but she doesn't feel the same about me. What is wrong with me? Why can't girls love me for longer than 5 minutes? Enough of my troubles. I'll just go back to my tears...

Raw

So once again Christy has decided she doesn't like (who knows why) so I get to sit back at square one again. I'm so sick of this over and over again. I make concessions in my life and nothing comes of it. And then people get upset with me when I don't make time for them. What's up with that. So my emotions are in turmoil and I have to sort them all out. Between the problems with Courtney and Christy messing with me, I just have to press on and make the most of my holidays. I will buck up and take it like I always do.

All Tied Up Inside

So Christy and I have been in hiatus. We both have feelings for each other and now don't know what to do about it. It's been like this since Sunday, but she was in California until yesterday. Now she's back and I want to spend every minute with her, but then I want space too. But I want to be as close to her when we first started being friends. I don't know what to do. Aaaaargh!!! Why can't things go by the book? CFRL says "Only Time Can Tell."

Come Sail With Me

So we went sailing today. Christy found out that 16 year olds don't know how to not be attached. Hahaha. So today was my last full day in California. We went sailing. We just sailed around the harbor mostly, but for 15 minutes we went out to sea and I remember just how fun it was. I miss it so much. Then we stayed around down in Orange County (did I mention that's where my grandpa's yacht is, Newport Beach? I even know the area where they film the O.C.) So we stayed in Orange County because Christy's two sisters were flying from Utah. But before that we went to the Island Mall in Newport. It was a really nice Outdoor Mall. It puts the Gateway to absolute shame. The stores are so nice and the fountains and Carousel are so cool. So we were there for a little over a couple of hours. But then we went to the airport. Christy had to get a special pass and go back to the gate to sign for taking responsibilty for the girls. Then we took them to their uncle's. But Ben and myself did notice that Justin had began hitting on Laura, the younger sister. It was just like icing on the cake. I told him to go home after we got back because I was tired of the crap he brought, a dog in heat. So tired of it. So now I'm gonna go to bed and sleep.

What is Going On?

So I asked my cousin to stay away from Christy and I asked her not to kiss him. But they did not listen. Nobody cares about how I feel. So drama comes to my vacation. And now I don't want to talk to either of them, because I'm not okay with it. People upset me. People are stupid. I can't do anything without having people be stupid around me. Christy looks at it likes it's a one time thing, but Justin is gonna beg me to bring her everytime, and I am not cool with it. At all. Our friendship just took a hit. I've lost my buzz because I knew it was gonna happen. I always know. It sucks. No matter what I do I can't win.

Thanksgiving

So here we are, on Thanksgiving Day. I am in California at my grandparent's house and Thanksgiving dinner is gearing up. It's so warm here. I love it. I'm driving around in a silver Dodge Ram (the only time in my life I will probably drive one.) It is nice and relaxing. I spent last night drinking with my grandpa, uncle, aunt, mom and step-father. It was pretty interesting. I snuck my little brother and cousin some too so they didn't feel left out. I ended up drinking the most and I don't even have a headache. Must be the elevation. It's so nice. I'll let you know some more later. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Relief is Finally in Sight

I finally got my history group project done (by myself I might add, losers) and now I am definitely feeling the relief of being at the end of the semester. So ready for vacation, am I. I can't wait for Wednesday morning. On to California and freedom. Rest and Relaxation and hopefully some sleep. But that last one is very doubtful. Aye-Yi-Yi. Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving Break.

So I have also ventured into myspace. I am at http://www.myspace.com/thedollarsymbol

Vacation

So I am going on vacation to California. I haven't been on vacation since July of last year. I'm not taking a week this time, only 5 days, but it will be nice. I wish I could take more, but that is not possible. I think I need a vacation from Courtney too. She is doing nothing but stressing me out. So I think I need to tell her that I'm not gonna talk to her while I am on vacation. But I want to be able to talk to her. That is the thing. I totally love and adore her. Aaaargh. It is so frustrating that you have no idea.

Saturday Night Fever

So on Saturday Night I had a dream that peaked my interest. But first I have to give you some back story.

The very first UVSC Volleyball game I went to was interesting. I went to it because I did not want to go to class. I had been sitting there at the game for about 3 minutes when one of the girls playing caught my eye. I quickly texted Ryan, because I knew he was back at the apartment, and asked him who #14 was. He quickly responded that her name was Camie Manwill and she was from Paradise, CA. I knew that I had to watch this girl play from now on, so I rarely missed an in-town volleyball game. (I even went and watched them play at BYU.) So needless to say, I have a huge crush on her, but can never find her at the school or find anybody who really knows her. Plus it is nearly impossible to get near the players after a game (and the season is over so there's nothing I can really do now.) So that's the back story, now onto the main event.

So my dream started with me being in a huge valley with mountains all around. I was being led by a man I knew to a house up high on the hills next to the mountain. It was a beautiful, multi-level home where the foyer was the center of the house and all other sections of the house came together. We knocked on the door and she answered. Camie. The girl that I had a huge crush on and that I had so wanted to meet. We walked in a she sat there talking to us. The man I was with then walked upstairs to talk to her father (because they were business partners) so we were left to talk. She then proceeded to tell me that she already had a boyfriend and that she didn't know why her father and the other guy (I call him this because I still have no idea what his relationship was with me) wanted us to meet. I told her that I really didn't have any idea. So we sat there chatting and she decided that I was a fun person and she did want to hang out with me, but just as friends. So we traded numbers and then our friendship began. We hung out a little bit, but we talked on the phone a lot. We soon became the best of friends and were talking and hanging out more. Then it came to the point where I found out that her and I were becoming closer than her and the boyfriend. Then it all stopped. For two days I couldn't get a hold of her and her parents said that she was kinda sick. One the third day I called her and she was pretty quiet. I asked her if she was okay, but she wasn't very responsive. So then I asked her "What is going on?" Then she told me, "I've fallen for you." I was in shock. I wanted her to like me, but I was at the point where I was expecting nothing to happen. Then she told me that she didn't know what to do with her boyfriend. I responded by telling her that she was confused so the best idea was to do nothing. But she quickly told me "no, I want to be with you. Don't you want to be with me?" I sat there quietly for a minute and then told her "Camie, I have wanted to be with you since the day I have met you."

So my dream ended there. I woke up and was pretty upset. I wanted more to the dream, but then it's probably not a good idea, because just thinking about how hot she is kinda drives me wild. Yeah, Saturday night. Just as I was starting to put her out of my mind, and Wa-Bam! She's right there at the top of my mind again. *sigh*

She Makes Me Crazy!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Answer me at least out of courtesy! Is it really that difficult?!? I guess so...

Simplicity

So I find myself craving a simple life. My life is full of webs right now, webs that entangle me, but that I can still walk on. But because I keep stumbling, the spider keeps attacking me. So I keep creeping on. Everytime I try to free myself, more webs appear. And I think I have identified the spider. Ugh. Where's my bug spray?

Time

Don't you feel it ticking? Just going along, passing by. Hahaha. I'm tired. I can't wait to go to California for week of vacation. It'll be nice. Too bad Courtney and I had our falling out because we were gonna go together. Oh well

So Confused

Courtney and I have agreed to start over, but I still feel uneasy. I still love her. I just hope she means what she's been telling me, because this is it. I want to be with her. I can't take anymore hits to my heart from her. My grandmother and my aunt want me to be rid of her and my mom and dad just want me to be careful. She's so young, and so wild, but I care about her so I'm giving her every chance I can. I just hope she realizes that my feelings are wrapped up in her. Please don't hurt me Courtney because I really do love you.

What Explanation?

I don't see why I need to have an explanation for everything. Sometimes feelings can't be explained, but I do my best. There are times where you have to realize that some things you just have to let be. I know it's hard and human nature makes us inquisitive, but I am not omnipotent, so i don't have an explanation for everything in this world or myself. How I feel is how I feel. If I am disgusted, then I feel disgusted. If I am sad, I feel sad. Not everybody feels the same about everything. But there are some things that I just find gross, and I really don't want to be around those things. If people are doing things that I dont want to have anything to do with, then I don't have anything to do with those people. I have thrown away many friendships because my values no longer were in sync with theirs and the activities that they participate in make me sick or uneasy. At this point in my life, I am cutting out the stresses in my life, so don't expect to be a part of my life if the stuff you do stresses me out. I don't need it and don't want it. All that matters is that I go to school and get my degree. Anything else is trivial. This is my time, so don't think you can make yourself number one in my life, because my school is.

Another Loss

Due to certain circumstances that are unagreeable with my moral standards, Courtney and I will now have no more contact with one another. At least, this is my intention. For the first time in a long time, I was having a fun time at my Army Weekend and she managed to ruin my mood Saturday night and Sunday morning I was totally turned against her and she has no one to blame but herself. I'm done with her. And at this point in my life I have calculated that she is responsible for 75% of all the drama that I experience. Since I am attempting to eliminate as much bad influences and sources of stress from my life, I have to eliminate Courtney, someone who has earned my total disgust. I have discussed the situation with my closest family and friends and they have all agreed that I have made the correct decision. If you read this Courtney, you have until the 14th to return the phone to me. So tell everyone you have to change phone numbers. I think you should get one for out there since you are so in-depth into the Tulsa social circles. Goodbye and so long.

The Whatever Complex

I have now reverted to saying "Whatever." I was driven to this by many people and quite frankly, I don't care anymore. My charity is now at an end. Ya'll are on your own.

Gone

Amelia took off on Tuesday. Shortly after I left for work is when she disappeared. She was gone by the time my bro woke up. It was a sad day for all of us. It was topped off by my car dying every chance it gets. My life is definitely not what it once was. Right now, I'm just tired. So tired and worn out. All I do is shrug. Whatever...

You Asked

So for the last two weeks I've dropped off the face of the earth, I know. I've gone to work and school. The first week everything was going okay until Wednesday when our District Manager showed up. He turned our entire store upside down and against one another. By the end of the 3 days we were all so frustrated that everybody just wanted out. I even gave my notice. I'm giving them until the end of the semester. Friday night I was so stressed out and frustrated, I drank until I passed out on the floor. It felt so good. During that night, however, my friend Amelia called me from Las Vegas. She informed me that she was in the airport and she needed to get out. So I made her promise a few things and brought her back. When she came, all she had was the clothes on her and the stuff in her purse. We took her up to her parents house, but they wouldn't let her take any of her stuff she left behind unless she paid them $1800. So we brought her back. Then yesterday my dad took her back up there with police. She did everything her parents asked of her, but then they wanted more concessions. So when she refused, they told her that they no longer wanted anything to do with her. So now she is going to be staying at my dad's house for the time being. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I'm just extremely busy.

Chris Needs

1. Chris needs your sex talk
2. Chris needs to give me cancer
3. Chris needs a makeover
4. Chris needs to check everything that is going well
5. Chris needs a family that will stick with him through thick and thin
6. Chris needs to understand what we are selling
7. Chris needs to know
8. Chris needs feeding
9. Chris needs your help
10. Chris needs to focus on himself

All Alone

I feel so alone. I'm not alone, but I am. In my mind I feel alone. Nothing but sadness here... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Too Much

So I spend so much time on the internet updating Blog, MySpace, and Facebook that people are beginning to talk. They think that I am surfing for porn. Just kidding, but seriously, I spend too much time on the web. But I guess it's a way to meet people. I get so many invitations to parties around UVSC (and most of them are down in BYU housing). It's cool though. It's about time. With everything else changing, I might as well immerse myself into a group of new people. Time for some major changes. This happens every couple of years, where I have to start fresh, but this time it is way different because I've dropped a lot of old stuff and I almost have a clean slate. SO!!! Here's to beginnings...

It's Over...

So after nearly 6 years of friendship, Ryan and I are done. I thought I would let you know to avoid any awkwardness on your part, so don't expect the both of us to do anything together. And since most of everyone who reads this I met through Ryan, I still invite you to talk to me and be my friend, but do not force yourself or if there's an issue with loyalty, don't do it. Because that's where mine and his crumbled... (I'm not a loyal friend... he didn't say that, but it was implied... Whatever)

Cornered By Wolves

So, I'm pinned in a corner. The wolves are nipping at me, and I'm barely fending them off. The sad thing is that I'm all alone. No backup, no one to help me, I'm fighting them all by myself. Ryan blew up on me and I had my feelings hurt by Courtney. My car is still not running, I can't catch up at work because I'm trying to do the work of 3 men and school is suffering because I can't focus due to stress. I have cried so much in the past 48 hours. At home, at work, at school, in the car. And I'm expecting something else to happen. Because everytime I think it can't get worse, it manages to. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to put a good face on life, but then I think about the two people I can tell everything, and our relationships are on the rocks. Ryan barely talks to me and Courtney has a new crush. And I'm not saying that's a tragedy, but it usually means I get left in the dust. At a very low time in my life. Other people are willing to pick up the slack, and I appreciate it, but it surely is not the same. So I will continue to cry and try my hardest to press on, but honestly, I want to give up. I want to give up and go back to Iraq. In Iraq there was only one thing that I generally had to worry about, completing the mission. That's all. No drama, no juggling friends, no random pissed-off phone calls. Everyone appreciated you, and you could appreciate them. I have so longed for that simplicty over these past 48 hours. I'm actually starting to regret not going to Texas. How sad is that? I'm sorry. I'll go back to crying. So I hope none of you are looking for strength from me, because I can't even carry myself through a day without breaking down. I am so sorry.

The Last Week

Wow. You should've seen this week. My car overheats, I am overwhelmed at work, and a mistake walked back into my life. But, I get to see Courtney soon. She comes in on Friday and she informed me last night that I will see her sometime that night. I love it when she tells me things like that. I'm the kind of person that likes to give space, but she loves me to be close. I guess that's one of those things that I just adore about her. Oh I miss her and I'm excited to see her. Just have to get through this week, driving my grandma's minivan around town. At least I got to see Orem High smash Timpview in football on Friday. They haven't done that since I was a senior in high school. And UVSC Volleyball rocked Texas Pan-American on Saturday, which means I got to see a very attractive and energetic volleyball player showing them why UVSC is the bomb...

"The Lunatic is in my head, The Lunatic is in my head, You Raise the Blade, You Make the Change, You Rearrange me Until I'm Sane." - Pink Floyd

So confused. In a moment of weakness, I made a mistake. Now I'm paying for it, and in indirect consequences to. I don't get it. I'm crazy and I'm lonely. Locked up in my own seperate life. The mistakes we make and the consequences we reap. I wish I could go back to when I was generally innocent and walk down the right path from the beginning. If I had done that I would have been in a whole different world today. I could've been flying jets for the Air Force. That would've been sweet. Or I could've been an Naval Captain. Submarines. But no. I chose rebellion and that led me down the path that I am at today. I'll admit that I'm a very unique person and not a drone, but sometimes I think that I would have rather been a drone than have the collection of bad memories that I do today. So I call out

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon...

Ish Kish

So my car started overheating just randomly yesterday. So I checked the coolant level and noticed that it was horrifically low. So I filled it. And filled it. And today it was down again, so I filled it again. After work I took it to my dad and we drained it, flushed the entire radiator, and then filled it again. Then when he revved the engine, water started shooting out of the top of the radiator. Not out of any manufactured holes, but out of the top of the radiator itself, through a pretty good sized crack. A cracked radiator. Man, did I feel stupid. The worst part is that I saw it oozing this morning and thought nothing of it. My dad welded it today and tomorrow he's gonna put epoxy over it. So hopefully that solves the problem for now, in the mean time, I get to start looking for a new radiator for my vehicle. How lovely. But the good news is that Courtney still plans on going with me to California next month. And my DVD burner is working again. Ups and Downs, the story of life.

Something New

So I started something else online. It's called FaceBook http://www.facebook.com, it's pretty cool. Courtney got me started on it. You connect with people in your school and, in my case, even my apartment complex. For Courtney it's everyone in her dorm. It's pretty huge over there, semi-huge here. So if you want to, go for it.

Sorrow

I feel bad for people who have a hard time. Like I feel moments of plight, but then I usually push them behind me by the time I wake up the next morning. But some people dwell on them for a while. My heart goes out to those who have a hard time for a long time. Especially people who are waiting for a message from someone else. That was the hardest part for me being Iraq. So I distanced myself from reality, but then everyone started to get concerned about me, so I brought myself back. But then I got hurt pretty bad (and not physically) so I stopped talking a lot. I know how it feels to be blown off and how you just sit there waiting for the next message, or letter, or phonecall to get some news of what's going on. It hurts and worrying causes ulcers. Just ask my dad. So don't worry, be happy. I'm here for ya. And if you are having a hard time, just remember, you could always be Joe.

Not Good

So Courtney informed me today that because of her new job, she probably won't be able to go to California with me. That hurts. I waited so long to set everything up and when she finally gave me the go ahead last week, I did it. And now... Sadness. Honestly I have been daydreaming about this trip for the last 2 weeks, but now my dreams are crushed. You know, I ask for very few things, but this is one of those things that I desire greatly. And now I could be disappointed greatly. Not to mention I stand to lose quite a bit of money. $500 for her ticket. It's a waste if it doesn't get used. The trials I endure. Oh my. Whatever.

Another Day in Wonderland

So I sent Courtney a package last week (that was the whole gonna be murdered thing). She recieved it, well yesterday now. She was so happy, but frustrated with me. It's funny how she can overlook things so easily with me. So she has this friend who is just begging me to take her to California for Thanksgiving also. And don't get me wrong, this girl is cute, but I have no idea what my family would say. We're already strapped for space at the grandparent's house, and I don't know if we're gonna be able to use my aunt's house to stay over at. So I don't know. Right now I'm brushing it off as a passing thought. It was tempting though, I just don't understand. And then I got to see her on webcam today and she's gorgeous. So I guess my instincts are still on. HAHAHA. I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.

As for Texas, as of right now I'm not going. They have enough volunteers, but that can change at anytime. That's the army way. So I hope I don't go because it would really interfere with everything that I have tried to build over the last year and a half. Both my mom and my dad would like me to finish school before I turn 30. And I want to finish before Courtney does. Just because I want to have a life in progress so we don't have to worry about anything while she's at medical school. Yes, I still want her more than anything else on God's Green Earth. I saw her and she is still so incredibly intoxicating. And her hair is so long and gorgeous. I love her.

So Hard to See

Sometimes it's hard to see everything that is going on, especially the stuff that happens right under your nose. It's weird. I can't believe how many people thought that I abandoned them. I haven't. I just have so many things on my plate at this time that I've just been looking out for myself. Sorry everybody. I'm trying to include everyone still. It just is that the only one that I've really wanted to spend time with is so far away, my dear Courtney. I still adore her, so much. I can't wait till she comes home in 2 1/2 weeks. I miss her. But soon.

Ryan and I are going to see AIDA on Friday. YAY!!! And then Kelly, I expect you to come play with us...

I'm Sorry Megan

This is my problem. I felt genuinely offended when you said that "i'm glad you and satan are getting along so well. at least you have a friend!" I have never had anyone accuse me of walking hand in hand with the dark one. You've got to realize I watch the dark stuff like a hawk. Because I'm scared to death of it. Both sets of my grandparents were deep in religion and all of their kids rebelled and renounced their faiths. So all of us grandkids were left in hiatus while young. My mother jumped religions constantly, so I got an open look at the whole world. I've studied religion since I was young and have an excellent idea of what I believe in. Then my mother went staunch catholic and it's been awkward for me since. So I'm very skeptical when it comes to religion. Don't take offense that I question the prophet, it's only natural for me. My faith is rock-solid, my faith in religion is not. These are a few of the many reasons that I do not attend church. Right now I feel like I am on the ocean, during a Cat 5 Hurricane. I'm not whole, I'm incomplete. I feel that if I go to church, then I'm fake. Just like a lot of the people who go to chuch because it is "the thing to do" on Sunday. And if I am with those people, then I just feel worse. I am drifting and I am just preparing myself for my return to Iraq. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be returning. The only way that I won't is if I am medically unable to go, and then I might as well be dead.

Back to my apology. I am sorry. I never wanted to offend you, I never wanted to upset you. I'm sorry that I'm so belligerent towards religion, but it is me. Don't take it personally. In the darkest of arenas is where I shine the brightest. And right now, I'm invisible. It hurts. And I feel hollow. My apologies. You are very good person and I know this. So I will stay away from you, because I fear that all I can do is harm you.

Judgement

Thank You for showing me the error of my ways. Thank you for making me realize that I was wrong and there is no place for humor in this world. I now know that I must change the way I talk and write, and I will keep this in mind for all of my future activities. I am a bad person and must change so I can fit in.

Ironing Things Out

So the waters seem to be smoothing over. Finally I'm starting to get control. And it seems like everyone else is too. Sorta. I mean you have your windbursts all the time (and there's no way that everyone is gonna be happy at the same time) but it seems that the majority of us are goin' good. I am, however, going to be murdered before the week is over. It is going to be interesting, for sure, but I think it is something that I have to experience. Then on the 13th day I will rise from the dead (no resurrection for me, that was reserved for the savior, so my rotten corpse gets to walk out of the grave on it's own) and it's 13 days because of the innate amount of evil inside of me. Hahaha. So look for the signs, no earthquakes or black skies, just the world rejoicing upon my death, and screaming when I return. Enjoy.

SMALLVILLE!!!

So I am officially caught up in the Smallville world and I can watch it as it comes out every week, except that it is on Thursday Nights at 7. AND I'M IN CLASS!!! I'll survive. They will now be required to tape it for me and I am going to watch it every Thursday night. It is definitely something to look forward to on a weekly basis. But it was a stressful finale. Even Ryan was white knuckled. So I finished it in 5 days. And now I have to wait 11 days for the premiere. I'm gonna go crazy. I have to know what happenned. He's gonna find the Fortress of Solitude. And a lot of stuff is gonna happen in this season. I hope Johnathan Kent doesn't die in this one. He's too nice.

And then there's Lois. I love the way that they really don't like each other. It plays so perfectly into their love affair later. They loathe each other, then they get along, but everyone knows that they want each other. Hahaha. And who can blame him for wanting her...

Worthwhile

At this moment in time, I slammed into to the ground, on my emotional rollercoaster. Normally I scrape my knees and then go back up. But this was a full on, 200 mph slam face first into the ground. I woke up with a headache and a sour stomach. I went to work so I could catch up everything, and I was planning to stay for 3 hours. I ended up staying for 5 1/2. I ended up with a full blown migraine and completely emotionally drained. So I went to my dad's to relax and just got more sick. I passed out on my grandmother's floor. I ate, watched a movie and then went back to my apartment. Now I just sit here, escaping into my alternate reality. Smallville, Smallville, Smallville.

Er

Ahh, Er.

Buddies

So I went to the Orem High Football game tonight. Homecoming 2005. Orem played Provo. It was fun. The three of us were totally having fun, until Orem through the game away in the last two minutes. That really sucked. We did however get to see all the girls that we used to know back when we were in High School. Crushes galore coming back up to the surface for all of us. Then we went to Applebee's after and just talked and talked. It was nice for all of us to hang out together. It's definitely been a while. Since right after my birthday if I remember right. But we had fun and I think we're gonna do it again.

Escape

Oh My. I wish I could just live in the Smallville Universe. So many hotties. Alicia, Lana, Lois. Ouch, ya'll are killing me. Except, THEY KILLED ALICIA!!! UNACCEPTABLE!!! She was definitely the hottest out of all of them. She was just the right height, dirty blonde with green eyes. Yikes. Mmmm. Oh, why can't I get a girl who looks just like her. And her voice, so soft. It was so pretty. Just like her. I nearly died in their Vegas Honeymoon scene. Her garters... My Lord. Too much for me too handle. I will miss you Alicia.

A Little Joy on a Cloudy Day

So it's Tuesday September 14. Smallville Season 4 came out today. That is the show that I've looked forward to since last summer. I hate waiting a whole year to see the show, but it beats waiting around week by week.

So I've noticed nobody is posting right now. I'm pretty busy nowadays, but I still post. But, whatever. Oh, and Courtney, get better. Sorry to have gotten you sick while I was out there. I Love Ya.

The Love of My Life

I have to post this. I love Courtney Beth Wilson. And I do mean love. Like I can't stop thinking about spending the rest of my life with her love. Everyday I wake up thinking about her and before I go to sleep I think about her. I used to text her first thing in the morning and right before I went to sleep. But because of the lack of texts she has on her plan, I have to settle for just thinking about her. I don't like to call her, because everybody else calls her so much and stresses her out. So I think about her, and I pray for her, and I love her.

When I first laid eyes on her, I was walking into work after school last October. First thing that I noticed was a girl with a cute butt leaning over the counter talking to Carole. I walked in and clocked in. Barely looking at her. She looked up at me and then I was introduced to her. I said hi politely, then went in the back and started working. I had been told that she had a boyfriend, so I just didn't even consider her an option. I kept on seeing her and I knew that she was pretty cute and pretty small, but dang cute. So I started to make sure that I could work with her, because I thought she was cute. Then everything started right before she got her wisdom teeth out. One Saturday, Carole told her that I was extremely ticklish and she dared her to tickle me. Then she started rubbing the back of my head. It freaked me out because this girl has a boyfriend and she's touching a very sensual spot on my body. After a couple of hours of her chasing me around the store I finally gave in and let her rub my head. After that it started to become normal to me. Kinda freaked me out though. I didn't want to like her.

So she went and got her wisdom teeth out and then she got sick so she was gone for a week. She came back and and had to take all the tests for work. So I was volunteered to sit back there and help her out with the tests. It took us so long because we just flirted with each other. By then it was apparent that I had a crush on her. That Saturday I ended up telling her that I liked her more than I should. The next week I came in one day because everyone was sick, including me from food poisoning. But I came in to help them out anyway. Then to my joy I found out she was working too. She told me that she was confused because she had four boys liking her at once. So I just shrugged it off, and pretty much told myself that she was unavailable. That Friday I came in right before I had to go off to Army and saw her. I was so excited. We were looking at a display that she had to put together and she walked up from behind, stood next to me and put her head on my arm. I knew then that she liked me too.

The next Tuesday she worked early in the day and I stayed until 7. When I walked out, she was there. She looked up and I asked her if she ever left that place. I walked on out of the store heading to my car. Then, to my surprise, she texted me. I turned around and she was walking behind me. I waited for her and then we started talking. Then I took her for a ride in my car. We talked and flirted. I could tell that she really liked me. I took her back to her car and she went home. A couple hours later she started texting me. We texted for like 2 hours and then she told me to call her. I did and we talked all night. That was the first of many all-nighters. We started to become close. A couple months later we had a falling out, but then shortly after New Year's, we healed it up. We had ups and downs for months, but things seemed to be going ok. Then we had a good sized fight right before my birthday, but then we made up the day before my actual birthday. And smooth sailing for a month. She broke it off with her boy and then shortly thereafter I had a fight with her and pulled out all friendship with her for about 3 weeks. Then after I had given up on her, and she had pretty much given up on me, she came into work and asked if she should be transferred out front. I told her that it was up to her. Then I started to warm up to her again. And since then we have been solid. We had a fight for less than 24 hours right before she left, but it was handled by saying she wanted to spend her last night with me.

And after she left was the hardest time for me. I have missed her everyday since. My trip out there was a real eye-opener for me. I realized how absolutely in love with her I am. And now I'm lovesick. I count down the days until I can see her again and talk to her as much as I can without driving her crazy, which kinda sucks because I generally let her call me. But everytime I talk to her it absolute joy. And when she is hurting, I'm hurting. I feel a deep bond with her. I don't know if she feels it, but I do.

You are the light in my life. You are the star that guides me through the night. You are my sun and my moon. You are my definition of beauty. Your beauty is so radiant that it blinds me to all other things. I adore you more than anything in this world. You are so wonderful, amazing, hot, sexy, and passionate. I love how crazy you are and how full of life you are. I love your smile, and your laugh. I love how you freak out about how you look when I'm getting close to seeing you, I love how you tease me. I love looking into those incredible eyes of yours. I love it when you curl up next me or lay your head on my chest. I love falling asleep with you in my arms, and I love staring at you until I fall asleep. Most of all, I love kissing you. You are the most passionate girl that I have ever met. You are incredible, and I would not trade you for anything in this whole world. And I hope to spend the rest of my life with you. Because I am so incredibly, head-over-heels, killing me every day, can't stop thinking about it in love with you.

I Love You Courtney Beth Wilson, now and forever.

Remembrance

4 Years and Still Feeling the Wound...

Freedom

Never Forget Those Who Have Fallen

Favorite Songs

So every year I put together a list of my favorite songs for the year, you know the ones that really kept me upbeat or calm for the year. This year is kinda different because it's 5 years since I got out of school, so I'm putting together a retro-list and I think I'm gonna need help. So if everyone can give me their 5 picks out of this list. The list is not final till December 28, so I've got a while. And the list will probably change over the next few months. If there is a song you don't know and want to listen to, let me know. I'll send it to you. Here they are, I broke them up into 4 categories.

Rock

The Red - Chevelle
The Man Who Sold the World - David Bowie
Desperado - Eagles
Hotel California - Eagles
Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit
Tainted Love - Marilyn Manson
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
No More Tears - Ozzy Osbourne
Brain Damage & Eclipse - Pink Floyd
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
She Hates Me - Puddle of Mudd
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
Creep - Radiohead
Logical Song - Supertramp

Pop

Boom Boom - Britney Spears
My Prerogative - Britney Spears
Slave 4 U - Britney Spears
Dirrty - Christina Aguilera
Bring Me to Life - Evanescence
My Immortal - Evanescence
Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
Come Clean - Hilary Duff
The Reason - Hoobastank
Ain't No Mystery - Smash Mouth
In My Head - No Doubt

R&B / Rap

Peaches and Cream - 112
Candy Shop - 50 Cent
Oh - Ciara
Say My Name - Destiny's Child
Forgot About Dre - Dr. Dre
The Next Episode - Dr. Dre
Without Me - Eminem
Hot in Herre - Nelly
If - Nelly
Yeah - Usher


Old Stuff (Pre-70's)

And I Kissed Her - Beach Boys
And I Love Her - Beatles
Something - Beatles
Stand By Me - Ben E. King
Yesterday - Beatles
Minnie the Moocher - Cab Calloway
Band on the Run - Paul McCartney
Time of the Season - Zombies

A Moral Code

These are my 9 laws. Everybody asks what rules I live by, because my Rules for Life are guidelines, but these are the lines. I don't like to cross these, because they are my strength.

Chris' Moral Code

1. Lying is evil. The only lying allowed is to protect the innocent from direct harm due to forces of evil.

2. Help others in need. Although limit generosity to prevent dependancy.

3. Rape is evil. Use all means necessary to bring those who committed the crime to Justice.

4. Killing is only necessary for defence and to protect the innocent who will be harmed.

5. Women are divine beings trapped in human form. Treat them as such.

6. Judgement is for God and Society. Opinions can be solicited, otherwise keep your mouth shut.

7. I can refrain from exposing any part of my life, unless it is causing conflict or drama in the lives of others.

8. Free Will has been given to all. Our ability to choose our lives is a divine gift. No interference.

9. Moral Judgement resides in the soul. Divine law is of God, Guidelines are of Man.

September

Oh, how I loathe September. This month marks the beginning of school and other kinds of stress, like Governor's Day for the National Guard. Ever been paraded around? No. That's because you guys aren't considered animals. Let's just say it sucks. Especially when the Governor arrives an hour and fifteen minutes late. Not very nice, sir. Thanks for making us more miserable than we already were, sir. BLAH!!!

Ode to Sue

So Susannah is leaving us. On to Las Vegas. You brought humor and giggles into our lives. You showed us another way to look at every situation and you had a snide comment for everything. You made us laugh, you made us cry, you made us unbelievably happy and relaxed. Thank you for the good times and the very wonderful friendship and kind ear. Thank you for CSI marathons and the ability to hideaway at a huge house (hahaha I added that one just for your amusement). Thank you for the parties, and the never forgetting about special days. Thank you for the eye rolls (it always let me know that the girl I was oogling was genuinely pretty) and thank you for giving me thick skin about my love of 12 year olds :-) . Everybody seems to think that I am indifferent, but I will miss you. Although the victory is, you now get to see me get plastered on the Strip. Now that is an experience in itself.

Goodbye Sue and good luck.

Looking Forward

Oh my. One day at a time. That's the way I do it. It's good to have goals but live in the now. Don't worry about all that crap that's gonna happen like next year. If I had all that stuff to worry about, I'd go insane. Tomorrow, work and school. Weekend, Army. Next Month, Halloween. November, Thanksgiving in California with Courtney and Family. Next Summer, Courtney. 2007, go back to Iraq. 2008 Come back from Iraq. 2009 Finish Degree in Forensic Psychology and marry Courtney. 2012 Finish up PHD in Forensic Studies. Have a few kids... Live happily ever after. Retire and move to Hawaii.

My Headache

Oh, I hate being approached and lectured on matters of faith. This is what frustrates me about Utah, being judged. I believe in the LDS faith, but I do have differences of opinion. I believe that no man is infallible, even the living prophet. Men warp the Word of God. It has been proven since the beginning of time. My belief is that what is said is guidelines. Divine Law is in your heart. If you cross it, then you will know. At least that is how it is for me. I have been indoctrinated with Catholicism and Mormonism since I can remember. I read the Book of Mormon when I was 7 and the Bible when I was 9. And even my interpretations may be off, but I cannot help believing what I believe. It is in my heart and if it were to change, then I feel like I'm betraying myself. My life is defined by constants. Divine Law is not fluid and changing, it is what it is. The Savior has not come back to update it. But as humanity evolves, our leaders try to tell us the best way to deal with the new issues, but it is not necessarily Divine Law. This is where I had my biggest problems with Catholicism, it has changed so much over time, that it isn't even the same as it was. Men warped it. It is trying to return to the way it was, but corruption runs so deep, that I could not believe a word that was being said. My faith was destroyed, so I ran off of what I thought, and did what I thought was right. Then I found the LDS faith and it was so close to what I believed in. But when I came back to Utah, I had so many people telling me how to run my life and all the things that were wrong with my life that it made me cringe. I dealt with it for a while, but when I came back from Iraq and the same things were starting up again, I went inactive. There was no way that I was gonna deal with that right as I got back, after being mega-stressed for over a year.

So here I am, inactive. And it's gonna be a while before I go active again. I have so many things that I have to work out with myself. I have so much work to do. And I don't have time to deal with people who think they know how to run my life better than I do. Cuz dammit, I'm doing the best I can.

*Sigh*

I miss Courtney. I really just wanted to stay. Stay there and have my things sent to me and be with her for all eternity. Corny, I know, but I love that girl. I thought that my mind would move on to something else, but those last 3 weeks have been total and utter hell for me. I've missed her so much that it made me sad and depressed. And when she was having a hard time, that made it so much harder on me.

But now things are getting smoother and I don't have to worry about her as much, I just get to look forward to the next time I can see her. 5 1/2 weeks. But oh how I want to be with her...

In due time, in due time. Immersing myself in studies and work is the only way to get around it.

Weather

Okay, so I am watching the weather extremely closelike out here. This is the reason that I have some extreme reservations about living out here. We are right down the middle of Tornado alley. I do not like Tornados and I never will, because of what I know of the physics of a tornado, I do not appreciate. The fact that they can send a straw through a tree is not a fun idea. And hurricanes can spit out tornados at random, so they are ten times worse. So here I am, looking at the weather, because I don't like it...

So BYU...

Umm... What's with those Cougars? When I was in high school they kicked trash, now what? I hope no one is dependent on BYU winning football games...

Courtney, Day 2

Oh my. She is a babe. I want to stay out here with her. It's gonna be so hard to leave. I wish I could stay here with her and date her and get my Courtney fix. But I have too many obligations out in Utah and she says that she's coming back after a year. It would be very nice. Then she could go to USU or UVSC. Either one is good for me. I can see her as much as I want. Just have to get rid of all the other boys...

Courtney

I am definitely a little crazy. I am out here visiting Courtney in Tulsa, Oklahoma. But you know what? Her screaming "Christopher!" and jumping into my arms made it completely worth it. Being away from her for 3 weeks has made me realize how much I am in love with her. She is such a big part of my life and her leaving has left a hole. When I come out here then all of the sudden I feel whole again. I miss her so much. And I got to see her!!! Oh, it's gonna be a great weekend. 3 whole days of Courtney. How am I gonna go 1, maybe 2 months without seeing her again? She says that I need to come out every 3 weeks. And you know what, I was very tempted. I love her to death. Oh I'm so happy.