Deep Thoughts and Shallow Points

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Wrapping Up the Last Chapter

This year I started out as a broken man. My wife of 5 years had left and I was heartbroken. Little did I know, I was more scared of the change coming and did not really know how to stand on my own anymore. Little things kept jabbing me and prevented me from reigning in and using my full potential. I am still not quite there but I definitely feel myself finishing up adjusting and becoming unsatisfied with my situation. Before I could live with it, but I am tired of being stagnant. Once upon a time I was always moving forward, because backwards sucked. Well, I think I am to that point again. Who wants to look backwards? Nothing to see but wasteland. The memories and experience comes with, but Past is truly Prologue.

I love when I start to spiral a bit, Christy will shoot me a message pretty much saying "Pull your head out, Stand Tall, and be the Fiery Sonofabitch I know you are." It always makes me smile because she has this uncanny ability to jab me exactly where I need to be jabbed. Sign of a true friend, telling you what you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear it. My spirals are definitely getting farther apart. I wish there was a way to purge some things from your mind (minus the head injury angle) so you could have a clearer head. But alas, there is not and you must push on. Find a way to use your crosses, baggage, and triggers (lol) to push you into the direction you need to be pushed.

The biggest thing this year is that I lied to myself so much that it actually sunk in and became reality. The lie I was telling myself is that I did not want to date anybody and needed time. In reality I was sizing up every pretty face that I have met, and wondering. Now I don't even fish for attachment information. I stopped caring. The idea of dating makes me nauseous. I am finally comfortable being single and I still have my dog, Tootsie. She is not in the best of health, so I am enjoying as much time as I can with her before the day I have to give her up. But back to the point, I no longer feel like I need a woman to fill the void of my heart. I now know there as so many other things. In fact people have begun to suggest that they may know somebody that I could go out with, and I make it very clear, I am not interested in the least. I don't feel the need to fill my social calendar again any time soon, especially with somebody that I could become obligated to on a personal level. The downside to this is, from personal experience, as soon as you stop looking, it is the exact time you get smacked over the head by a pretty face. Here's hoping that I can break the trend.

I have a lot of personal growth to go through, but I am confident that I will be in a great place soon enough. Life is great and wonderful and full of opportunities. With certain aspects of life now settled, the opportunities that will come knocking seem endless. I am ready to push forward and close this chapter of my life, let the ghosts settle in their graves so I am no longer haunted.

Hoping against hope.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Awakenings

So I haven't posted a blog post in over 5 years. That would have been the first year of my marriage. I was happy with her. Not so much these days.

Okay so we'll do a rundown of this last year. Labor Day weekend 2015 I smacked my head and gave myself my 9th concussion. I spent time recovering but I was prevented from driving and reading. I went to a neuropsychiatrist and attended therapy for my neck and head. Then as I was beginning the home stretch of my recovery, a bombshell was dropped on me.

6 Days before Christmas, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. The next day she left. My siblings kidnapped me to Colorado for an escape over Christmas. So I stayed in a funk until after the holidays. I finally started warming up to her again so we could talk but she then informed me that she had already filed the divorce papers.

So through the end of February was spent dealing with transition. She finally agreed to sit down with me at the end of February and that`s when I had a revelation, I could no longer love this woman. 2 days later a good friend of mine informed me that she had decided to divorce her husband. So leaning on each other, back and forth, has become our pattern.

My divorce was finalized by the end of April. So now I get to redirect my life, only focusing on myself. I find myself looking at cute girls but no desire to ask them out. Kind of funny. I would rather rebuild my friendships that were damaged through the dark years (my marriage). But I still have lots of life left.

After reading through my old posts I noticed the rollercoaster of emotions that I used have, tied to the women around me. Hopefully I don't become like that again. But I also don't want to be as dull as I have been over the last 5+ years. I used to be fun and vital, but I became ornery and boring. No, no, no. Nevermore.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Frustration

My wife is gone, my dad brought and intruder in to the house, Tootsie is paranoid because of the intruder, my best friend has stopped talking to me, and everyone else pretty much ignores me. I got kicked out of the army, can't seem to hold a steady job, and all I can do is find solace in call of duty and halo. My life, once again, blows... Help...