Deep Thoughts and Shallow Points

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Frustration

Frustration is definitely setting in. Tired of being jerked around. People love telling you what you want to hear, then bolt, leaving you hanging. I did that when I was married because I was tired of her. But I can't stand that from everyone else. I will not be destroyed by the vitriol of others. I am so bitter with the way people treat me with double standards.

I want to be happy again. I will love again. In fact I'm already in love again. But she has her own issues so there is nothing I can do, again. This is gonna be yet another sucky Valentine's Day. I've hated it for so long. I think I've only had two good ones in 2 decades. 1 with Christy (after our short-lived dating), 1 with Lizzy (right before we got married.)

I love Christy, I have loved her for 12 years, I will always love her. She is, in fact, the love of my life. To convince myself of anything else, would be a lie.

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Baptisms by Fire

There are many baptisms in life. Religious ones. Life ones. Love ones. Some are good. Some are bad.
I can't even count how many at this point. These are events that have a profound effect on one's life.

The past drives, the future draws, but the present confuses. Most of our culture tells us not to dwell on the past and always be preparing for the future. Some of our culture has started to participate in the "Only Now Matters" mentality. I myself spend a lot of time reflecting on the past and dreaming (planning) about the future. When I was younger I was very good about the moment, sometimes too good. But now I miss that youth and am trying to bring myself back to planning hard for the future. I know what made me live so much in the moment though. Baptism by Fire.

Nothing affected the course of my life more than my deployment. It shaped me, changed who I was (I'm sure some of that had to do with 3 concussions from head smacking and numerous other concussive blasts) and I was more forward with what I wanted. I definitely refused to waste time after I arrived home from Iraq. That year in the sand and various other months I spent at Army installations. I miss the spitfire I was, although I do have a lot more perspective to follow back on these days.

I had another Baptism by Fire last year, when I was divorced. They say the worst thing a person can experience is the death of a spouse. The second worst experience is Divorce. I was given another perspective though. Divorce may be the worst because there is no finality to it. Death is the end, divorce leaves a loose end. Now I'm not saying tying up that loose end is an option, but psychologically it is very damaging. It was definitely a rough experience because no matter how many divorces you witness, nothing prepares you for the experience of actually going through one. It took a long time but I finally got over everything and realized how much of a mistake my marriage was. (The other day I was really pissed about a habit I had created to circumvent her moods and I couldn't even put a name to her. I had actually forgotten her name for a minute.) I guess I have begun getting my closure.

I have to return to the moment and hope that there isn't another Baptism by Fire approaching. I would like to be at peace for once.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

A Single Color

The color of Money.
The color of Luck.
The color of Life.
This color means many things to different people.
Greed, Ambition, Jealousy.
Growth, Harmony, Renewal.
We all see it in different Tones.
Green is beautiful or ugly,
Depending on what Lens it passes through.
For me, this color is special.
I was born on the Day of Green.
For some reason it permeates through me,
And in some instances, controls me.
Green Eyes have always exerted a special control,
Over my mind and sensibility.
But more than anything,
It is the strength behind the eyes.
There is a pair out there,
That I will never forget.
The heart and soul behind them,
Is someone that is Absolutely Amazing.
I fell for her,
Before, Now, and Always.
Envy and Jealousy,
Took her away.
But Luck restored,
And returned us to Communication.
I always have hope,
That Green will work, in my favor.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Moving On to the Inevitable (Dating... Blech!)

A long year, a lot of thoughts, but the biggest one is that I no longer think I am ready to move on, I KNOW I am ready. I've been reading a ton of stuff and it finally gave me the personal closure that I have been seeking. That and a trip to Colorado where I was not burdened with being abandoned like I had been the previous year. I have a great family and amazing friends who have stuck with me through this interesting ordeal.

I spent half my life seeking love and still fell short. I ended up looking in the wrong location because of a previous wound that I was trying to hide from, and ended up wounding myself far worse than I would have been if I had just stayed a lonely, crazy man. But now I get another chance to rewrite my life and be someone so much better than I was becoming. Exciting times.

So now that I am moving on, an interesting thought has crossed into my head, there will be dating again. So with that disturbing thought, came the question of what I find attractive in women. After reading some articles I guess most people look at the smile first. Although I appreciate a good smile, the eyes are what I look at first. I started thinking, most of the women I have dated in my life had green eyes. Some had blue, but I have actually never dated a woman with brown eyes. My ex had hazel and that is the closest I have ever gotten to dating someone with brown eyes. I have been set up a couple of times, but I don't recall any of them having brown eyes, and if they did, the date must have been so bad that I'm blocking all memories of them out, but I digress. So my favorite eyes definitely have been green, but I do like blue eyes as well. We are visual creatures, so looks do matter, but honestly with the eyes it is more about the light behind the eyes.

If someone does not have very much light behind their eyes, then they tend to be dead inside. But I love finding that great light behind the eyes, because that means they have a wonderful heart to back up those eyes. Then if there is smiling (especially when it comes to me) that just completes that initial connection.

Hair color is an interesting one. Before Iraq I dated a mix, but post Iraq I have a tendency to prefer blondes. The only brunette I dated is the one I married and we all know how that turned out. Just kidding, but I don't know where I stand on hair color anymore.

All other features of a woman depend on the woman, personality and initial attraction, which actually carries a lot of weight in my book. But even before that, my instincts kick in on who I like and who I don't like. If I have to talk myself into liking someone, that truly is a disaster in the making.

Ugh, the idea of dating fills me with dread. I hated it the first time around and I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to like it any more this second time around. But if I refuse to do something out of fear, then I am just limiting my life and harming myself further than I have already been in these last ten years.

There is always hope.

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

New Year, New (Yeah Right)

It's over. I have officially blocked her and her new beau on both Facebook and Instagram so there is no temptation to look at their stuff and no way for them to look at mine.
My life will move in, a helluva lot faster than it did last year. Last year was ugly for me. Heartbreak, disappointment, frustration.
I can't wait to see what today has in store for me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Wrapping Up the Last Chapter

This year I started out as a broken man. My wife of 5 years had left and I was heartbroken. Little did I know, I was more scared of the change coming and did not really know how to stand on my own anymore. Little things kept jabbing me and prevented me from reigning in and using my full potential. I am still not quite there but I definitely feel myself finishing up adjusting and becoming unsatisfied with my situation. Before I could live with it, but I am tired of being stagnant. Once upon a time I was always moving forward, because backwards sucked. Well, I think I am to that point again. Who wants to look backwards? Nothing to see but wasteland. The memories and experience comes with, but Past is truly Prologue.

I love when I start to spiral a bit, Christy will shoot me a message pretty much saying "Pull your head out, Stand Tall, and be the Fiery Sonofabitch I know you are." It always makes me smile because she has this uncanny ability to jab me exactly where I need to be jabbed. Sign of a true friend, telling you what you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear it. My spirals are definitely getting farther apart. I wish there was a way to purge some things from your mind (minus the head injury angle) so you could have a clearer head. But alas, there is not and you must push on. Find a way to use your crosses, baggage, and triggers (lol) to push you into the direction you need to be pushed.

The biggest thing this year is that I lied to myself so much that it actually sunk in and became reality. The lie I was telling myself is that I did not want to date anybody and needed time. In reality I was sizing up every pretty face that I have met, and wondering. Now I don't even fish for attachment information. I stopped caring. The idea of dating makes me nauseous. I am finally comfortable being single and I still have my dog, Tootsie. She is not in the best of health, so I am enjoying as much time as I can with her before the day I have to give her up. But back to the point, I no longer feel like I need a woman to fill the void of my heart. I now know there as so many other things. In fact people have begun to suggest that they may know somebody that I could go out with, and I make it very clear, I am not interested in the least. I don't feel the need to fill my social calendar again any time soon, especially with somebody that I could become obligated to on a personal level. The downside to this is, from personal experience, as soon as you stop looking, it is the exact time you get smacked over the head by a pretty face. Here's hoping that I can break the trend.

I have a lot of personal growth to go through, but I am confident that I will be in a great place soon enough. Life is great and wonderful and full of opportunities. With certain aspects of life now settled, the opportunities that will come knocking seem endless. I am ready to push forward and close this chapter of my life, let the ghosts settle in their graves so I am no longer haunted.

Hoping against hope.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Awakenings

So I haven't posted a blog post in over 5 years. That would have been the first year of my marriage. I was happy with her. Not so much these days.

Okay so we'll do a rundown of this last year. Labor Day weekend 2015 I smacked my head and gave myself my 9th concussion. I spent time recovering but I was prevented from driving and reading. I went to a neuropsychiatrist and attended therapy for my neck and head. Then as I was beginning the home stretch of my recovery, a bombshell was dropped on me.

6 Days before Christmas, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. The next day she left. My siblings kidnapped me to Colorado for an escape over Christmas. So I stayed in a funk until after the holidays. I finally started warming up to her again so we could talk but she then informed me that she had already filed the divorce papers.

So through the end of February was spent dealing with transition. She finally agreed to sit down with me at the end of February and that`s when I had a revelation, I could no longer love this woman. 2 days later a good friend of mine informed me that she had decided to divorce her husband. So leaning on each other, back and forth, has become our pattern.

My divorce was finalized by the end of April. So now I get to redirect my life, only focusing on myself. I find myself looking at cute girls but no desire to ask them out. Kind of funny. I would rather rebuild my friendships that were damaged through the dark years (my marriage). But I still have lots of life left.

After reading through my old posts I noticed the rollercoaster of emotions that I used have, tied to the women around me. Hopefully I don't become like that again. But I also don't want to be as dull as I have been over the last 5+ years. I used to be fun and vital, but I became ornery and boring. No, no, no. Nevermore.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Frustration

My wife is gone, my dad brought and intruder in to the house, Tootsie is paranoid because of the intruder, my best friend has stopped talking to me, and everyone else pretty much ignores me. I got kicked out of the army, can't seem to hold a steady job, and all I can do is find solace in call of duty and halo. My life, once again, blows... Help...