This year I started out as a broken man. My wife of 5 years had left and I was heartbroken. Little did I know, I was more scared of the change coming and did not really know how to stand on my own anymore. Little things kept jabbing me and prevented me from reigning in and using my full potential. I am still not quite there but I definitely feel myself finishing up adjusting and becoming unsatisfied with my situation. Before I could live with it, but I am tired of being stagnant. Once upon a time I was always moving forward, because backwards sucked. Well, I think I am to that point again. Who wants to look backwards? Nothing to see but wasteland. The memories and experience comes with, but Past is truly Prologue.
I love when I start to spiral a bit, Christy will shoot me a message pretty much saying "Pull your head out, Stand Tall, and be the Fiery Sonofabitch I know you are." It always makes me smile because she has this uncanny ability to jab me exactly where I need to be jabbed. Sign of a true friend, telling you what you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear it. My spirals are definitely getting farther apart. I wish there was a way to purge some things from your mind (minus the head injury angle) so you could have a clearer head. But alas, there is not and you must push on. Find a way to use your crosses, baggage, and triggers (lol) to push you into the direction you need to be pushed.
The biggest thing this year is that I lied to myself so much that it actually sunk in and became reality. The lie I was telling myself is that I did not want to date anybody and needed time. In reality I was sizing up every pretty face that I have met, and wondering. Now I don't even fish for attachment information. I stopped caring. The idea of dating makes me nauseous. I am finally comfortable being single and I still have my dog, Tootsie. She is not in the best of health, so I am enjoying as much time as I can with her before the day I have to give her up. But back to the point, I no longer feel like I need a woman to fill the void of my heart. I now know there as so many other things. In fact people have begun to suggest that they may know somebody that I could go out with, and I make it very clear, I am not interested in the least. I don't feel the need to fill my social calendar again any time soon, especially with somebody that I could become obligated to on a personal level. The downside to this is, from personal experience, as soon as you stop looking, it is the exact time you get smacked over the head by a pretty face. Here's hoping that I can break the trend.
I have a lot of personal growth to go through, but I am confident that I will be in a great place soon enough. Life is great and wonderful and full of opportunities. With certain aspects of life now settled, the opportunities that will come knocking seem endless. I am ready to push forward and close this chapter of my life, let the ghosts settle in their graves so I am no longer haunted.
Hoping against hope.
