Christmas

Merry Christmas everybody. The day is over, I was on the slopes at 9:30 and was totally wasted by 2:00. I now know that a halfday of snowboarding is for me. I came close to fracturing my hand on one of my beautiful face dives. I have decided that next time I'm gonna have an instructor go with me for an hour. I can board, but not as well as I want to. I now remember why I quit boarding when I was younger, the pain in my ass.

I got some interesting things for Christmas as I always do. Got boarding pants and a pair of gloves that I tore right through on the first run. On the second run I tried to do a reverse and almost did my face in, but my hand took the fall. Anyways, the best gift of all came from Christy, she got me the entire collection of Calvin & Hobbes. That girl is amazing. Oh, how I love her.

I hope everyone is having good holidays.

December Blues!

Okay, so too many people have the december blues. It's driving me nuts. I'm usually the scrooge, but I have a generally better disposition than most this year. I think it is because my life is leveling off and I am satisfied. But everyone else is trying to have someone for the holidays. If you can learn anything from me, it is that you can still be alone and happy. And what my dad taught me is when you stop looking, someone finds you. I don't mean sit in a corner and shut off all contact, just don't go looking. That's how it's always worked with me and I have the most wonderful people in my life. So let it happen people and live for yourselves and no one else. Enjoy your life, it only happens once!

December Days

So it's December and school is winding down and work is still pretty aggressive, but it's the holidays. This next week I am out of school, and hopefully I passed all my classes because if I didn't, I'm gonna be in a world of hurt. I have faith that I did though. And I have moved back into my dad's house and am gonna be selling my contract at the apartment complex. Parkway Crossing isn't all it's cracked up to be. Since I'm gonna be going to school 18 hours next semester and work full time. So I'm back in my dad's basement, which is okay with me. I get to save some money. Back to school and not worry about things. Christy likes it because we don't have to worry about roommates and I'm a lot closer to her.

So it is done. Except I still have to sell my contract.

Inconcievable

So I had an unexpected response from my Blog. Courtney read it and called me. She called me intending to ask me to stop blogging about her and ended up talking for an hour and coming to a comprimise. She can call me and talk to me and we are going to try the friendship thing. So as she said, the saga continues. BUT... There is nothing else, I cannot walk down that road again. So she and I both get what we want and everybody else does as well. My heart is my own and I'm not looking for love, school is my priority. I will admit, part of me still loves her, but as a friend. So here goes nothing...

The Saga Ends

Yet another Chapter in my life has closed (which ironically is pretty close to the end of the year), and I get to look forward to a brighter future because those last pages of this chapter were pretty dark. But I'm not sad because I knew that this Thanksgiving would make or break my relationship with Courtney. It broke it and I can go back to being the Fun and Fancy Free Chris I was before. As for my life... It's pretty good. I have good friends and family and I'm finally doing well in school and I've gone for 3 semesters in a row (even though I bombed last semester.) I'm signed up for 18 credits and am finally into the classes that matter for my degree. It's so nice. Stupid generals... Anyways, I had a fun Thanksgiving and it looks like it's gonna be a fun Christmas. Jason (my army buddy and stockroom co-worker at Kirkland's) and I are gonna go snowboarding this season and our first outing is gonna be Christmas Day. Open presents at like 6 and then take off for the slopes. I can't wait.

My biggest regret is that I did turn down a few gorgeous women that I probably could've had some really good times with, but I was still enamored with Courtney (and Christy), so I missed out on those opportunities. Then reason that I'm not sad is that it releases stress on me, because everything was on her terms. When she called, she wanted to talk. If you didn't talk, she would get upset. So not having to worry about when she calls and make sure a female voice can't be heard when she does, takes a load off. Also I am the kind of person who does not submit. She needs someone who does submit. I comprimise, but I still want my say. Even in the Army, I still put my say in. So I don't know how to submit, so expecting it of me is asinine.

So I'm pushing on with a full blessing from my family. They are tired of me being upset over one girl. Even my friends are. So I focus on school and hang out with people who will never use me and be supportive without expecting anything but my friendship in return. This is nice. Too many fish in the sea, especially here. My cousin Candice is the one who stresses this one the most. She thinks I'm absolutely adorable and deserve only the best. My aunt agrees. So who am I to argue with them? My dad told me to stop looking and do what I need to do for myself, not for anyone else. And that's where I stand. Friends. That's all I need. Don't need drama. Relationships in college are stupid anyway, they just get in the way. Jason said it best "College is for learning. With all those boys on that list, how did she have time for school?" I laughed my ass off. He has a point. My dating average is 3 girls a semester, she had 7 plus. Wow. Okay then. Sorry, I pay $200 a semester and can't justify wasting it, how can she justify burning however much she does (and remember she's paying out-of-state at a private university.) Normally I wouldn't say this stuff in public, but she turned it into a grudge match with the stuff she posted on her blog. So I guess I can vent.

I love all of you who have been good to me and thank you for supporting me for the last 13 months (or less.) I appreciate all of you and will never forget your kind ears and generous advice. Thank You!

100%

So Courtney totally pushed me away now and so I no longer will even try with her. The reason for this can be read on her blog http://thegirlofyourmomsdreams.blogspot.com
I now realize that I should've pushed her away the first time she lied to me, last December. Now I feel like I've wasted a year of my life and a lot of money on a horrible investment. I spent $500 on her ticket to California, over $1000 on my trip to Tulsa to see her. Hundreds on stuff that I've sent to her. Karen always told me I was too good for her, now it's totally apparent to me. I was so nice to her last night and she had already written that blog so she can go live out there in her paradise Tulsa. Power to you and good riddance.

If you haven't gotten what I'm saying, I'm 100% done with the lies, the secrets, and the guilt trips. Done. 100% done with Courtney Wilson.

Chest Pains

So as Ryan is having anxiety attacks, I am having chest pains. I only have them once in a while (like every other year), but this is twice in one week. My heart is broken, my faith shattered, and hope vanquished. I am now a shell of what I once was. Between Courtney informing me that she has a boyfriend, Christy getting my hopes up, then turning me down again, and Savanna constantly going after guys nowhere near the likes of me, I find myself wondering why I stay here. Why do I sit here and take the constant punishment? If I wanted punishment I could go into the army full time and get paid a helluva lot better than I am now. I find myself longing for Iraq, because then at least life is an adventure. At least I know I'm doing something for someone else. Instead I go to school and work day after day, trying to stay on top, for what purpose I do not know. I have dreams, but they all involve me sharing my life with someone. I'm 23 and all alone. I love my best friend, but she doesn't feel the same about me. What is wrong with me? Why can't girls love me for longer than 5 minutes? Enough of my troubles. I'll just go back to my tears...

Raw

So once again Christy has decided she doesn't like (who knows why) so I get to sit back at square one again. I'm so sick of this over and over again. I make concessions in my life and nothing comes of it. And then people get upset with me when I don't make time for them. What's up with that. So my emotions are in turmoil and I have to sort them all out. Between the problems with Courtney and Christy messing with me, I just have to press on and make the most of my holidays. I will buck up and take it like I always do.

All Tied Up Inside

So Christy and I have been in hiatus. We both have feelings for each other and now don't know what to do about it. It's been like this since Sunday, but she was in California until yesterday. Now she's back and I want to spend every minute with her, but then I want space too. But I want to be as close to her when we first started being friends. I don't know what to do. Aaaaargh!!! Why can't things go by the book? CFRL says "Only Time Can Tell."

Come Sail With Me

So we went sailing today. Christy found out that 16 year olds don't know how to not be attached. Hahaha. So today was my last full day in California. We went sailing. We just sailed around the harbor mostly, but for 15 minutes we went out to sea and I remember just how fun it was. I miss it so much. Then we stayed around down in Orange County (did I mention that's where my grandpa's yacht is, Newport Beach? I even know the area where they film the O.C.) So we stayed in Orange County because Christy's two sisters were flying from Utah. But before that we went to the Island Mall in Newport. It was a really nice Outdoor Mall. It puts the Gateway to absolute shame. The stores are so nice and the fountains and Carousel are so cool. So we were there for a little over a couple of hours. But then we went to the airport. Christy had to get a special pass and go back to the gate to sign for taking responsibilty for the girls. Then we took them to their uncle's. But Ben and myself did notice that Justin had began hitting on Laura, the younger sister. It was just like icing on the cake. I told him to go home after we got back because I was tired of the crap he brought, a dog in heat. So tired of it. So now I'm gonna go to bed and sleep.

What is Going On?

So I asked my cousin to stay away from Christy and I asked her not to kiss him. But they did not listen. Nobody cares about how I feel. So drama comes to my vacation. And now I don't want to talk to either of them, because I'm not okay with it. People upset me. People are stupid. I can't do anything without having people be stupid around me. Christy looks at it likes it's a one time thing, but Justin is gonna beg me to bring her everytime, and I am not cool with it. At all. Our friendship just took a hit. I've lost my buzz because I knew it was gonna happen. I always know. It sucks. No matter what I do I can't win.

Thanksgiving

So here we are, on Thanksgiving Day. I am in California at my grandparent's house and Thanksgiving dinner is gearing up. It's so warm here. I love it. I'm driving around in a silver Dodge Ram (the only time in my life I will probably drive one.) It is nice and relaxing. I spent last night drinking with my grandpa, uncle, aunt, mom and step-father. It was pretty interesting. I snuck my little brother and cousin some too so they didn't feel left out. I ended up drinking the most and I don't even have a headache. Must be the elevation. It's so nice. I'll let you know some more later. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Relief is Finally in Sight

I finally got my history group project done (by myself I might add, losers) and now I am definitely feeling the relief of being at the end of the semester. So ready for vacation, am I. I can't wait for Wednesday morning. On to California and freedom. Rest and Relaxation and hopefully some sleep. But that last one is very doubtful. Aye-Yi-Yi. Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving Break.

So I have also ventured into myspace. I am at http://www.myspace.com/thedollarsymbol

Vacation

So I am going on vacation to California. I haven't been on vacation since July of last year. I'm not taking a week this time, only 5 days, but it will be nice. I wish I could take more, but that is not possible. I think I need a vacation from Courtney too. She is doing nothing but stressing me out. So I think I need to tell her that I'm not gonna talk to her while I am on vacation. But I want to be able to talk to her. That is the thing. I totally love and adore her. Aaaargh. It is so frustrating that you have no idea.

Saturday Night Fever

So on Saturday Night I had a dream that peaked my interest. But first I have to give you some back story.

The very first UVSC Volleyball game I went to was interesting. I went to it because I did not want to go to class. I had been sitting there at the game for about 3 minutes when one of the girls playing caught my eye. I quickly texted Ryan, because I knew he was back at the apartment, and asked him who #14 was. He quickly responded that her name was Camie Manwill and she was from Paradise, CA. I knew that I had to watch this girl play from now on, so I rarely missed an in-town volleyball game. (I even went and watched them play at BYU.) So needless to say, I have a huge crush on her, but can never find her at the school or find anybody who really knows her. Plus it is nearly impossible to get near the players after a game (and the season is over so there's nothing I can really do now.) So that's the back story, now onto the main event.

So my dream started with me being in a huge valley with mountains all around. I was being led by a man I knew to a house up high on the hills next to the mountain. It was a beautiful, multi-level home where the foyer was the center of the house and all other sections of the house came together. We knocked on the door and she answered. Camie. The girl that I had a huge crush on and that I had so wanted to meet. We walked in a she sat there talking to us. The man I was with then walked upstairs to talk to her father (because they were business partners) so we were left to talk. She then proceeded to tell me that she already had a boyfriend and that she didn't know why her father and the other guy (I call him this because I still have no idea what his relationship was with me) wanted us to meet. I told her that I really didn't have any idea. So we sat there chatting and she decided that I was a fun person and she did want to hang out with me, but just as friends. So we traded numbers and then our friendship began. We hung out a little bit, but we talked on the phone a lot. We soon became the best of friends and were talking and hanging out more. Then it came to the point where I found out that her and I were becoming closer than her and the boyfriend. Then it all stopped. For two days I couldn't get a hold of her and her parents said that she was kinda sick. One the third day I called her and she was pretty quiet. I asked her if she was okay, but she wasn't very responsive. So then I asked her "What is going on?" Then she told me, "I've fallen for you." I was in shock. I wanted her to like me, but I was at the point where I was expecting nothing to happen. Then she told me that she didn't know what to do with her boyfriend. I responded by telling her that she was confused so the best idea was to do nothing. But she quickly told me "no, I want to be with you. Don't you want to be with me?" I sat there quietly for a minute and then told her "Camie, I have wanted to be with you since the day I have met you."

So my dream ended there. I woke up and was pretty upset. I wanted more to the dream, but then it's probably not a good idea, because just thinking about how hot she is kinda drives me wild. Yeah, Saturday night. Just as I was starting to put her out of my mind, and Wa-Bam! She's right there at the top of my mind again. *sigh*

She Makes Me Crazy!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Answer me at least out of courtesy! Is it really that difficult?!? I guess so...

Simplicity

So I find myself craving a simple life. My life is full of webs right now, webs that entangle me, but that I can still walk on. But because I keep stumbling, the spider keeps attacking me. So I keep creeping on. Everytime I try to free myself, more webs appear. And I think I have identified the spider. Ugh. Where's my bug spray?

Time

Don't you feel it ticking? Just going along, passing by. Hahaha. I'm tired. I can't wait to go to California for week of vacation. It'll be nice. Too bad Courtney and I had our falling out because we were gonna go together. Oh well

So Confused

Courtney and I have agreed to start over, but I still feel uneasy. I still love her. I just hope she means what she's been telling me, because this is it. I want to be with her. I can't take anymore hits to my heart from her. My grandmother and my aunt want me to be rid of her and my mom and dad just want me to be careful. She's so young, and so wild, but I care about her so I'm giving her every chance I can. I just hope she realizes that my feelings are wrapped up in her. Please don't hurt me Courtney because I really do love you.

What Explanation?

I don't see why I need to have an explanation for everything. Sometimes feelings can't be explained, but I do my best. There are times where you have to realize that some things you just have to let be. I know it's hard and human nature makes us inquisitive, but I am not omnipotent, so i don't have an explanation for everything in this world or myself. How I feel is how I feel. If I am disgusted, then I feel disgusted. If I am sad, I feel sad. Not everybody feels the same about everything. But there are some things that I just find gross, and I really don't want to be around those things. If people are doing things that I dont want to have anything to do with, then I don't have anything to do with those people. I have thrown away many friendships because my values no longer were in sync with theirs and the activities that they participate in make me sick or uneasy. At this point in my life, I am cutting out the stresses in my life, so don't expect to be a part of my life if the stuff you do stresses me out. I don't need it and don't want it. All that matters is that I go to school and get my degree. Anything else is trivial. This is my time, so don't think you can make yourself number one in my life, because my school is.

Another Loss

Due to certain circumstances that are unagreeable with my moral standards, Courtney and I will now have no more contact with one another. At least, this is my intention. For the first time in a long time, I was having a fun time at my Army Weekend and she managed to ruin my mood Saturday night and Sunday morning I was totally turned against her and she has no one to blame but herself. I'm done with her. And at this point in my life I have calculated that she is responsible for 75% of all the drama that I experience. Since I am attempting to eliminate as much bad influences and sources of stress from my life, I have to eliminate Courtney, someone who has earned my total disgust. I have discussed the situation with my closest family and friends and they have all agreed that I have made the correct decision. If you read this Courtney, you have until the 14th to return the phone to me. So tell everyone you have to change phone numbers. I think you should get one for out there since you are so in-depth into the Tulsa social circles. Goodbye and so long.

The Whatever Complex

I have now reverted to saying "Whatever." I was driven to this by many people and quite frankly, I don't care anymore. My charity is now at an end. Ya'll are on your own.

Gone

Amelia took off on Tuesday. Shortly after I left for work is when she disappeared. She was gone by the time my bro woke up. It was a sad day for all of us. It was topped off by my car dying every chance it gets. My life is definitely not what it once was. Right now, I'm just tired. So tired and worn out. All I do is shrug. Whatever...

You Asked

So for the last two weeks I've dropped off the face of the earth, I know. I've gone to work and school. The first week everything was going okay until Wednesday when our District Manager showed up. He turned our entire store upside down and against one another. By the end of the 3 days we were all so frustrated that everybody just wanted out. I even gave my notice. I'm giving them until the end of the semester. Friday night I was so stressed out and frustrated, I drank until I passed out on the floor. It felt so good. During that night, however, my friend Amelia called me from Las Vegas. She informed me that she was in the airport and she needed to get out. So I made her promise a few things and brought her back. When she came, all she had was the clothes on her and the stuff in her purse. We took her up to her parents house, but they wouldn't let her take any of her stuff she left behind unless she paid them $1800. So we brought her back. Then yesterday my dad took her back up there with police. She did everything her parents asked of her, but then they wanted more concessions. So when she refused, they told her that they no longer wanted anything to do with her. So now she is going to be staying at my dad's house for the time being. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I'm just extremely busy.

Chris Needs

1. Chris needs your sex talk
2. Chris needs to give me cancer
3. Chris needs a makeover
4. Chris needs to check everything that is going well
5. Chris needs a family that will stick with him through thick and thin
6. Chris needs to understand what we are selling
7. Chris needs to know
8. Chris needs feeding
9. Chris needs your help
10. Chris needs to focus on himself

All Alone

I feel so alone. I'm not alone, but I am. In my mind I feel alone. Nothing but sadness here... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Too Much

So I spend so much time on the internet updating Blog, MySpace, and Facebook that people are beginning to talk. They think that I am surfing for porn. Just kidding, but seriously, I spend too much time on the web. But I guess it's a way to meet people. I get so many invitations to parties around UVSC (and most of them are down in BYU housing). It's cool though. It's about time. With everything else changing, I might as well immerse myself into a group of new people. Time for some major changes. This happens every couple of years, where I have to start fresh, but this time it is way different because I've dropped a lot of old stuff and I almost have a clean slate. SO!!! Here's to beginnings...

It's Over...

So after nearly 6 years of friendship, Ryan and I are done. I thought I would let you know to avoid any awkwardness on your part, so don't expect the both of us to do anything together. And since most of everyone who reads this I met through Ryan, I still invite you to talk to me and be my friend, but do not force yourself or if there's an issue with loyalty, don't do it. Because that's where mine and his crumbled... (I'm not a loyal friend... he didn't say that, but it was implied... Whatever)

Cornered By Wolves

So, I'm pinned in a corner. The wolves are nipping at me, and I'm barely fending them off. The sad thing is that I'm all alone. No backup, no one to help me, I'm fighting them all by myself. Ryan blew up on me and I had my feelings hurt by Courtney. My car is still not running, I can't catch up at work because I'm trying to do the work of 3 men and school is suffering because I can't focus due to stress. I have cried so much in the past 48 hours. At home, at work, at school, in the car. And I'm expecting something else to happen. Because everytime I think it can't get worse, it manages to. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to put a good face on life, but then I think about the two people I can tell everything, and our relationships are on the rocks. Ryan barely talks to me and Courtney has a new crush. And I'm not saying that's a tragedy, but it usually means I get left in the dust. At a very low time in my life. Other people are willing to pick up the slack, and I appreciate it, but it surely is not the same. So I will continue to cry and try my hardest to press on, but honestly, I want to give up. I want to give up and go back to Iraq. In Iraq there was only one thing that I generally had to worry about, completing the mission. That's all. No drama, no juggling friends, no random pissed-off phone calls. Everyone appreciated you, and you could appreciate them. I have so longed for that simplicty over these past 48 hours. I'm actually starting to regret not going to Texas. How sad is that? I'm sorry. I'll go back to crying. So I hope none of you are looking for strength from me, because I can't even carry myself through a day without breaking down. I am so sorry.

The Last Week

Wow. You should've seen this week. My car overheats, I am overwhelmed at work, and a mistake walked back into my life. But, I get to see Courtney soon. She comes in on Friday and she informed me last night that I will see her sometime that night. I love it when she tells me things like that. I'm the kind of person that likes to give space, but she loves me to be close. I guess that's one of those things that I just adore about her. Oh I miss her and I'm excited to see her. Just have to get through this week, driving my grandma's minivan around town. At least I got to see Orem High smash Timpview in football on Friday. They haven't done that since I was a senior in high school. And UVSC Volleyball rocked Texas Pan-American on Saturday, which means I got to see a very attractive and energetic volleyball player showing them why UVSC is the bomb...

"The Lunatic is in my head, The Lunatic is in my head, You Raise the Blade, You Make the Change, You Rearrange me Until I'm Sane." - Pink Floyd

So confused. In a moment of weakness, I made a mistake. Now I'm paying for it, and in indirect consequences to. I don't get it. I'm crazy and I'm lonely. Locked up in my own seperate life. The mistakes we make and the consequences we reap. I wish I could go back to when I was generally innocent and walk down the right path from the beginning. If I had done that I would have been in a whole different world today. I could've been flying jets for the Air Force. That would've been sweet. Or I could've been an Naval Captain. Submarines. But no. I chose rebellion and that led me down the path that I am at today. I'll admit that I'm a very unique person and not a drone, but sometimes I think that I would have rather been a drone than have the collection of bad memories that I do today. So I call out

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon...

Ish Kish

So my car started overheating just randomly yesterday. So I checked the coolant level and noticed that it was horrifically low. So I filled it. And filled it. And today it was down again, so I filled it again. After work I took it to my dad and we drained it, flushed the entire radiator, and then filled it again. Then when he revved the engine, water started shooting out of the top of the radiator. Not out of any manufactured holes, but out of the top of the radiator itself, through a pretty good sized crack. A cracked radiator. Man, did I feel stupid. The worst part is that I saw it oozing this morning and thought nothing of it. My dad welded it today and tomorrow he's gonna put epoxy over it. So hopefully that solves the problem for now, in the mean time, I get to start looking for a new radiator for my vehicle. How lovely. But the good news is that Courtney still plans on going with me to California next month. And my DVD burner is working again. Ups and Downs, the story of life.

Something New

So I started something else online. It's called FaceBook http://www.facebook.com, it's pretty cool. Courtney got me started on it. You connect with people in your school and, in my case, even my apartment complex. For Courtney it's everyone in her dorm. It's pretty huge over there, semi-huge here. So if you want to, go for it.

Sorrow

I feel bad for people who have a hard time. Like I feel moments of plight, but then I usually push them behind me by the time I wake up the next morning. But some people dwell on them for a while. My heart goes out to those who have a hard time for a long time. Especially people who are waiting for a message from someone else. That was the hardest part for me being Iraq. So I distanced myself from reality, but then everyone started to get concerned about me, so I brought myself back. But then I got hurt pretty bad (and not physically) so I stopped talking a lot. I know how it feels to be blown off and how you just sit there waiting for the next message, or letter, or phonecall to get some news of what's going on. It hurts and worrying causes ulcers. Just ask my dad. So don't worry, be happy. I'm here for ya. And if you are having a hard time, just remember, you could always be Joe.

Not Good

So Courtney informed me today that because of her new job, she probably won't be able to go to California with me. That hurts. I waited so long to set everything up and when she finally gave me the go ahead last week, I did it. And now... Sadness. Honestly I have been daydreaming about this trip for the last 2 weeks, but now my dreams are crushed. You know, I ask for very few things, but this is one of those things that I desire greatly. And now I could be disappointed greatly. Not to mention I stand to lose quite a bit of money. $500 for her ticket. It's a waste if it doesn't get used. The trials I endure. Oh my. Whatever.

Another Day in Wonderland

So I sent Courtney a package last week (that was the whole gonna be murdered thing). She recieved it, well yesterday now. She was so happy, but frustrated with me. It's funny how she can overlook things so easily with me. So she has this friend who is just begging me to take her to California for Thanksgiving also. And don't get me wrong, this girl is cute, but I have no idea what my family would say. We're already strapped for space at the grandparent's house, and I don't know if we're gonna be able to use my aunt's house to stay over at. So I don't know. Right now I'm brushing it off as a passing thought. It was tempting though, I just don't understand. And then I got to see her on webcam today and she's gorgeous. So I guess my instincts are still on. HAHAHA. I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.

As for Texas, as of right now I'm not going. They have enough volunteers, but that can change at anytime. That's the army way. So I hope I don't go because it would really interfere with everything that I have tried to build over the last year and a half. Both my mom and my dad would like me to finish school before I turn 30. And I want to finish before Courtney does. Just because I want to have a life in progress so we don't have to worry about anything while she's at medical school. Yes, I still want her more than anything else on God's Green Earth. I saw her and she is still so incredibly intoxicating. And her hair is so long and gorgeous. I love her.

So Hard to See

Sometimes it's hard to see everything that is going on, especially the stuff that happens right under your nose. It's weird. I can't believe how many people thought that I abandoned them. I haven't. I just have so many things on my plate at this time that I've just been looking out for myself. Sorry everybody. I'm trying to include everyone still. It just is that the only one that I've really wanted to spend time with is so far away, my dear Courtney. I still adore her, so much. I can't wait till she comes home in 2 1/2 weeks. I miss her. But soon.

Ryan and I are going to see AIDA on Friday. YAY!!! And then Kelly, I expect you to come play with us...

I'm Sorry Megan

This is my problem. I felt genuinely offended when you said that "i'm glad you and satan are getting along so well. at least you have a friend!" I have never had anyone accuse me of walking hand in hand with the dark one. You've got to realize I watch the dark stuff like a hawk. Because I'm scared to death of it. Both sets of my grandparents were deep in religion and all of their kids rebelled and renounced their faiths. So all of us grandkids were left in hiatus while young. My mother jumped religions constantly, so I got an open look at the whole world. I've studied religion since I was young and have an excellent idea of what I believe in. Then my mother went staunch catholic and it's been awkward for me since. So I'm very skeptical when it comes to religion. Don't take offense that I question the prophet, it's only natural for me. My faith is rock-solid, my faith in religion is not. These are a few of the many reasons that I do not attend church. Right now I feel like I am on the ocean, during a Cat 5 Hurricane. I'm not whole, I'm incomplete. I feel that if I go to church, then I'm fake. Just like a lot of the people who go to chuch because it is "the thing to do" on Sunday. And if I am with those people, then I just feel worse. I am drifting and I am just preparing myself for my return to Iraq. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be returning. The only way that I won't is if I am medically unable to go, and then I might as well be dead.

Back to my apology. I am sorry. I never wanted to offend you, I never wanted to upset you. I'm sorry that I'm so belligerent towards religion, but it is me. Don't take it personally. In the darkest of arenas is where I shine the brightest. And right now, I'm invisible. It hurts. And I feel hollow. My apologies. You are very good person and I know this. So I will stay away from you, because I fear that all I can do is harm you.

Judgement

Thank You for showing me the error of my ways. Thank you for making me realize that I was wrong and there is no place for humor in this world. I now know that I must change the way I talk and write, and I will keep this in mind for all of my future activities. I am a bad person and must change so I can fit in.

Ironing Things Out

So the waters seem to be smoothing over. Finally I'm starting to get control. And it seems like everyone else is too. Sorta. I mean you have your windbursts all the time (and there's no way that everyone is gonna be happy at the same time) but it seems that the majority of us are goin' good. I am, however, going to be murdered before the week is over. It is going to be interesting, for sure, but I think it is something that I have to experience. Then on the 13th day I will rise from the dead (no resurrection for me, that was reserved for the savior, so my rotten corpse gets to walk out of the grave on it's own) and it's 13 days because of the innate amount of evil inside of me. Hahaha. So look for the signs, no earthquakes or black skies, just the world rejoicing upon my death, and screaming when I return. Enjoy.

SMALLVILLE!!!

So I am officially caught up in the Smallville world and I can watch it as it comes out every week, except that it is on Thursday Nights at 7. AND I'M IN CLASS!!! I'll survive. They will now be required to tape it for me and I am going to watch it every Thursday night. It is definitely something to look forward to on a weekly basis. But it was a stressful finale. Even Ryan was white knuckled. So I finished it in 5 days. And now I have to wait 11 days for the premiere. I'm gonna go crazy. I have to know what happenned. He's gonna find the Fortress of Solitude. And a lot of stuff is gonna happen in this season. I hope Johnathan Kent doesn't die in this one. He's too nice.

And then there's Lois. I love the way that they really don't like each other. It plays so perfectly into their love affair later. They loathe each other, then they get along, but everyone knows that they want each other. Hahaha. And who can blame him for wanting her...

Worthwhile

At this moment in time, I slammed into to the ground, on my emotional rollercoaster. Normally I scrape my knees and then go back up. But this was a full on, 200 mph slam face first into the ground. I woke up with a headache and a sour stomach. I went to work so I could catch up everything, and I was planning to stay for 3 hours. I ended up staying for 5 1/2. I ended up with a full blown migraine and completely emotionally drained. So I went to my dad's to relax and just got more sick. I passed out on my grandmother's floor. I ate, watched a movie and then went back to my apartment. Now I just sit here, escaping into my alternate reality. Smallville, Smallville, Smallville.

Er

Ahh, Er.

Buddies

So I went to the Orem High Football game tonight. Homecoming 2005. Orem played Provo. It was fun. The three of us were totally having fun, until Orem through the game away in the last two minutes. That really sucked. We did however get to see all the girls that we used to know back when we were in High School. Crushes galore coming back up to the surface for all of us. Then we went to Applebee's after and just talked and talked. It was nice for all of us to hang out together. It's definitely been a while. Since right after my birthday if I remember right. But we had fun and I think we're gonna do it again.

Escape

Oh My. I wish I could just live in the Smallville Universe. So many hotties. Alicia, Lana, Lois. Ouch, ya'll are killing me. Except, THEY KILLED ALICIA!!! UNACCEPTABLE!!! She was definitely the hottest out of all of them. She was just the right height, dirty blonde with green eyes. Yikes. Mmmm. Oh, why can't I get a girl who looks just like her. And her voice, so soft. It was so pretty. Just like her. I nearly died in their Vegas Honeymoon scene. Her garters... My Lord. Too much for me too handle. I will miss you Alicia.

A Little Joy on a Cloudy Day

So it's Tuesday September 14. Smallville Season 4 came out today. That is the show that I've looked forward to since last summer. I hate waiting a whole year to see the show, but it beats waiting around week by week.

So I've noticed nobody is posting right now. I'm pretty busy nowadays, but I still post. But, whatever. Oh, and Courtney, get better. Sorry to have gotten you sick while I was out there. I Love Ya.

The Love of My Life

I have to post this. I love Courtney Beth Wilson. And I do mean love. Like I can't stop thinking about spending the rest of my life with her love. Everyday I wake up thinking about her and before I go to sleep I think about her. I used to text her first thing in the morning and right before I went to sleep. But because of the lack of texts she has on her plan, I have to settle for just thinking about her. I don't like to call her, because everybody else calls her so much and stresses her out. So I think about her, and I pray for her, and I love her.

When I first laid eyes on her, I was walking into work after school last October. First thing that I noticed was a girl with a cute butt leaning over the counter talking to Carole. I walked in and clocked in. Barely looking at her. She looked up at me and then I was introduced to her. I said hi politely, then went in the back and started working. I had been told that she had a boyfriend, so I just didn't even consider her an option. I kept on seeing her and I knew that she was pretty cute and pretty small, but dang cute. So I started to make sure that I could work with her, because I thought she was cute. Then everything started right before she got her wisdom teeth out. One Saturday, Carole told her that I was extremely ticklish and she dared her to tickle me. Then she started rubbing the back of my head. It freaked me out because this girl has a boyfriend and she's touching a very sensual spot on my body. After a couple of hours of her chasing me around the store I finally gave in and let her rub my head. After that it started to become normal to me. Kinda freaked me out though. I didn't want to like her.

So she went and got her wisdom teeth out and then she got sick so she was gone for a week. She came back and and had to take all the tests for work. So I was volunteered to sit back there and help her out with the tests. It took us so long because we just flirted with each other. By then it was apparent that I had a crush on her. That Saturday I ended up telling her that I liked her more than I should. The next week I came in one day because everyone was sick, including me from food poisoning. But I came in to help them out anyway. Then to my joy I found out she was working too. She told me that she was confused because she had four boys liking her at once. So I just shrugged it off, and pretty much told myself that she was unavailable. That Friday I came in right before I had to go off to Army and saw her. I was so excited. We were looking at a display that she had to put together and she walked up from behind, stood next to me and put her head on my arm. I knew then that she liked me too.

The next Tuesday she worked early in the day and I stayed until 7. When I walked out, she was there. She looked up and I asked her if she ever left that place. I walked on out of the store heading to my car. Then, to my surprise, she texted me. I turned around and she was walking behind me. I waited for her and then we started talking. Then I took her for a ride in my car. We talked and flirted. I could tell that she really liked me. I took her back to her car and she went home. A couple hours later she started texting me. We texted for like 2 hours and then she told me to call her. I did and we talked all night. That was the first of many all-nighters. We started to become close. A couple months later we had a falling out, but then shortly after New Year's, we healed it up. We had ups and downs for months, but things seemed to be going ok. Then we had a good sized fight right before my birthday, but then we made up the day before my actual birthday. And smooth sailing for a month. She broke it off with her boy and then shortly thereafter I had a fight with her and pulled out all friendship with her for about 3 weeks. Then after I had given up on her, and she had pretty much given up on me, she came into work and asked if she should be transferred out front. I told her that it was up to her. Then I started to warm up to her again. And since then we have been solid. We had a fight for less than 24 hours right before she left, but it was handled by saying she wanted to spend her last night with me.

And after she left was the hardest time for me. I have missed her everyday since. My trip out there was a real eye-opener for me. I realized how absolutely in love with her I am. And now I'm lovesick. I count down the days until I can see her again and talk to her as much as I can without driving her crazy, which kinda sucks because I generally let her call me. But everytime I talk to her it absolute joy. And when she is hurting, I'm hurting. I feel a deep bond with her. I don't know if she feels it, but I do.

You are the light in my life. You are the star that guides me through the night. You are my sun and my moon. You are my definition of beauty. Your beauty is so radiant that it blinds me to all other things. I adore you more than anything in this world. You are so wonderful, amazing, hot, sexy, and passionate. I love how crazy you are and how full of life you are. I love your smile, and your laugh. I love how you freak out about how you look when I'm getting close to seeing you, I love how you tease me. I love looking into those incredible eyes of yours. I love it when you curl up next me or lay your head on my chest. I love falling asleep with you in my arms, and I love staring at you until I fall asleep. Most of all, I love kissing you. You are the most passionate girl that I have ever met. You are incredible, and I would not trade you for anything in this whole world. And I hope to spend the rest of my life with you. Because I am so incredibly, head-over-heels, killing me every day, can't stop thinking about it in love with you.

I Love You Courtney Beth Wilson, now and forever.

Remembrance

4 Years and Still Feeling the Wound...

Freedom

Never Forget Those Who Have Fallen

Favorite Songs

So every year I put together a list of my favorite songs for the year, you know the ones that really kept me upbeat or calm for the year. This year is kinda different because it's 5 years since I got out of school, so I'm putting together a retro-list and I think I'm gonna need help. So if everyone can give me their 5 picks out of this list. The list is not final till December 28, so I've got a while. And the list will probably change over the next few months. If there is a song you don't know and want to listen to, let me know. I'll send it to you. Here they are, I broke them up into 4 categories.

Rock

The Red - Chevelle
The Man Who Sold the World - David Bowie
Desperado - Eagles
Hotel California - Eagles
Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit
Tainted Love - Marilyn Manson
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
No More Tears - Ozzy Osbourne
Brain Damage & Eclipse - Pink Floyd
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
She Hates Me - Puddle of Mudd
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
Creep - Radiohead
Logical Song - Supertramp

Pop

Boom Boom - Britney Spears
My Prerogative - Britney Spears
Slave 4 U - Britney Spears
Dirrty - Christina Aguilera
Bring Me to Life - Evanescence
My Immortal - Evanescence
Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
Come Clean - Hilary Duff
The Reason - Hoobastank
Ain't No Mystery - Smash Mouth
In My Head - No Doubt

R&B / Rap

Peaches and Cream - 112
Candy Shop - 50 Cent
Oh - Ciara
Say My Name - Destiny's Child
Forgot About Dre - Dr. Dre
The Next Episode - Dr. Dre
Without Me - Eminem
Hot in Herre - Nelly
If - Nelly
Yeah - Usher


Old Stuff (Pre-70's)

And I Kissed Her - Beach Boys
And I Love Her - Beatles
Something - Beatles
Stand By Me - Ben E. King
Yesterday - Beatles
Minnie the Moocher - Cab Calloway
Band on the Run - Paul McCartney
Time of the Season - Zombies

A Moral Code

These are my 9 laws. Everybody asks what rules I live by, because my Rules for Life are guidelines, but these are the lines. I don't like to cross these, because they are my strength.

Chris' Moral Code

1. Lying is evil. The only lying allowed is to protect the innocent from direct harm due to forces of evil.

2. Help others in need. Although limit generosity to prevent dependancy.

3. Rape is evil. Use all means necessary to bring those who committed the crime to Justice.

4. Killing is only necessary for defence and to protect the innocent who will be harmed.

5. Women are divine beings trapped in human form. Treat them as such.

6. Judgement is for God and Society. Opinions can be solicited, otherwise keep your mouth shut.

7. I can refrain from exposing any part of my life, unless it is causing conflict or drama in the lives of others.

8. Free Will has been given to all. Our ability to choose our lives is a divine gift. No interference.

9. Moral Judgement resides in the soul. Divine law is of God, Guidelines are of Man.

September

Oh, how I loathe September. This month marks the beginning of school and other kinds of stress, like Governor's Day for the National Guard. Ever been paraded around? No. That's because you guys aren't considered animals. Let's just say it sucks. Especially when the Governor arrives an hour and fifteen minutes late. Not very nice, sir. Thanks for making us more miserable than we already were, sir. BLAH!!!

Ode to Sue

So Susannah is leaving us. On to Las Vegas. You brought humor and giggles into our lives. You showed us another way to look at every situation and you had a snide comment for everything. You made us laugh, you made us cry, you made us unbelievably happy and relaxed. Thank you for the good times and the very wonderful friendship and kind ear. Thank you for CSI marathons and the ability to hideaway at a huge house (hahaha I added that one just for your amusement). Thank you for the parties, and the never forgetting about special days. Thank you for the eye rolls (it always let me know that the girl I was oogling was genuinely pretty) and thank you for giving me thick skin about my love of 12 year olds :-) . Everybody seems to think that I am indifferent, but I will miss you. Although the victory is, you now get to see me get plastered on the Strip. Now that is an experience in itself.

Goodbye Sue and good luck.

Looking Forward

Oh my. One day at a time. That's the way I do it. It's good to have goals but live in the now. Don't worry about all that crap that's gonna happen like next year. If I had all that stuff to worry about, I'd go insane. Tomorrow, work and school. Weekend, Army. Next Month, Halloween. November, Thanksgiving in California with Courtney and Family. Next Summer, Courtney. 2007, go back to Iraq. 2008 Come back from Iraq. 2009 Finish Degree in Forensic Psychology and marry Courtney. 2012 Finish up PHD in Forensic Studies. Have a few kids... Live happily ever after. Retire and move to Hawaii.

My Headache

Oh, I hate being approached and lectured on matters of faith. This is what frustrates me about Utah, being judged. I believe in the LDS faith, but I do have differences of opinion. I believe that no man is infallible, even the living prophet. Men warp the Word of God. It has been proven since the beginning of time. My belief is that what is said is guidelines. Divine Law is in your heart. If you cross it, then you will know. At least that is how it is for me. I have been indoctrinated with Catholicism and Mormonism since I can remember. I read the Book of Mormon when I was 7 and the Bible when I was 9. And even my interpretations may be off, but I cannot help believing what I believe. It is in my heart and if it were to change, then I feel like I'm betraying myself. My life is defined by constants. Divine Law is not fluid and changing, it is what it is. The Savior has not come back to update it. But as humanity evolves, our leaders try to tell us the best way to deal with the new issues, but it is not necessarily Divine Law. This is where I had my biggest problems with Catholicism, it has changed so much over time, that it isn't even the same as it was. Men warped it. It is trying to return to the way it was, but corruption runs so deep, that I could not believe a word that was being said. My faith was destroyed, so I ran off of what I thought, and did what I thought was right. Then I found the LDS faith and it was so close to what I believed in. But when I came back to Utah, I had so many people telling me how to run my life and all the things that were wrong with my life that it made me cringe. I dealt with it for a while, but when I came back from Iraq and the same things were starting up again, I went inactive. There was no way that I was gonna deal with that right as I got back, after being mega-stressed for over a year.

So here I am, inactive. And it's gonna be a while before I go active again. I have so many things that I have to work out with myself. I have so much work to do. And I don't have time to deal with people who think they know how to run my life better than I do. Cuz dammit, I'm doing the best I can.

*Sigh*

I miss Courtney. I really just wanted to stay. Stay there and have my things sent to me and be with her for all eternity. Corny, I know, but I love that girl. I thought that my mind would move on to something else, but those last 3 weeks have been total and utter hell for me. I've missed her so much that it made me sad and depressed. And when she was having a hard time, that made it so much harder on me.

But now things are getting smoother and I don't have to worry about her as much, I just get to look forward to the next time I can see her. 5 1/2 weeks. But oh how I want to be with her...

In due time, in due time. Immersing myself in studies and work is the only way to get around it.

Weather

Okay, so I am watching the weather extremely closelike out here. This is the reason that I have some extreme reservations about living out here. We are right down the middle of Tornado alley. I do not like Tornados and I never will, because of what I know of the physics of a tornado, I do not appreciate. The fact that they can send a straw through a tree is not a fun idea. And hurricanes can spit out tornados at random, so they are ten times worse. So here I am, looking at the weather, because I don't like it...

So BYU...

Umm... What's with those Cougars? When I was in high school they kicked trash, now what? I hope no one is dependent on BYU winning football games...

Courtney, Day 2

Oh my. She is a babe. I want to stay out here with her. It's gonna be so hard to leave. I wish I could stay here with her and date her and get my Courtney fix. But I have too many obligations out in Utah and she says that she's coming back after a year. It would be very nice. Then she could go to USU or UVSC. Either one is good for me. I can see her as much as I want. Just have to get rid of all the other boys...

Courtney

I am definitely a little crazy. I am out here visiting Courtney in Tulsa, Oklahoma. But you know what? Her screaming "Christopher!" and jumping into my arms made it completely worth it. Being away from her for 3 weeks has made me realize how much I am in love with her. She is such a big part of my life and her leaving has left a hole. When I come out here then all of the sudden I feel whole again. I miss her so much. And I got to see her!!! Oh, it's gonna be a great weekend. 3 whole days of Courtney. How am I gonna go 1, maybe 2 months without seeing her again? She says that I need to come out every 3 weeks. And you know what, I was very tempted. I love her to death. Oh I'm so happy.

An Okie Weekend

So I'm going to Oklahoma this weekend to visit Courtney. Random. I leave Friday and come back Monday. I can't wait to see her. My girl. I miss her so much and it hasn't even been 3 weeks.

This is how we do it...

So things are starting to calm down for me. I'm starting to meet different people. I love sitting down in the hot tub at night conversing with different people, seeing all the hotties coming through. Oh it's so nice. If I just had more time in my life, I could fully enjoy the fruits of this place.

So people have been talking to me lately. I am totally enjoying it. Thank you everyone for giving me support during this rough time.

Space ( )

Oh, I'm tired. Maybe that's why I'm so down. Poor Courtney is having such a hard time in Oklahoma. The drama back here has gone with her over there and I feel so bad. I wish I could just whisk her away to some far off place, where no one would find her. I wish she would let me do it. But she wants to do the right thing. I learned a long time ago doing the right thing while sacrificing yourself, is no way to go. So I learned to take care of myself first.

So life is too hectic right now. I just want it to settle. Ugh.

"Very Interesting Mr. Bond..."

So I had an action packed day to say the least. From the moment I got up. I tried to cross the University Bridge, but that looked futile so I decided to go get Breakfast in American Fork. Then I went to work for 6 1/2 hours. Trying to clean up the back so I have a relaxed day tomorrow. Then I went from there to the apartment, but before I even got there Ellie was texting me, asking if she could come down. I said yes and she showed up 20 minutes later with Danielle. So then I jetted off to school, did my time. Then I came back and spruced myself up and headed off to Layton to chill with Amelia (I would tell you what we did, but that will be on an one on one basis. And no, nothing dirty.) Amelia is so freaking fun that it makes my head spin. She reminds me of me, 7 years ago and a heck of a lot hotter. But here's the kicker, she wanted me to come see her. I didn't even start the conversation that day, she did. It was nice for once not to have to start and carry the conversation with a girl. Unfortunately she has a boy (That's usually how it goes...) so I have no game plan. She's coming down on Friday too. I'm so excited, it's gonna be fun...

Oh Baby

Chris $ is officially in pain. His room overlooks one of the two hot tubs on the premises. At this moment 3 very attractive young blonde females are in bikinis behind my head. I don't know whether this is paradise or hell. We'll soon find out won't we? So I didn't finally get all of my stuff put away until today. I have so much stuff, but I'm the equipped one (non-dirty peoples).

So all of you are invited to come. Plenty of hunks around here too for you girlies. It's gonna be fun. Bring your swimsuits. There's plenty of semi-summer left (I personally will sit in the hot tub during lightning and rain.) So grab everything you need and come on down to Parkway Crossing aka Partyville, now renamed to Postalville in my honor...

Come see us.

Lines

So here I am waiting in line at Parkway Crossing, waiting to get my key to my apartment. Waiting, just waiting. Ryan's starting to get anxiety, he just wants to get it over with. There's a U-Haul sitting in front of my house. We just want to get it over with. Be done with this. My house has been torn up all weekend and I finally got it all packed up last night. Now I just have to move all that shiz into the apartment. The line hasn't movedin the last hour. They really are not any good at this. You think that they'd have everyone they could to work, but I don't think they know what to do. Oh, this is the fun life (eyes rolling).

Well we'll see how it goes from here...

Behind Blue, I Mean Brown Eyes

Yesss! Okay, Chris $ spent the last three days working and partying, and it was fun. There were some rough moments, but overall I had fun. Some friends of Christy's came down from Layton and we were up till 3am every morning. Didn't spend one night in my bed. So you know that I was having too much fun... $ style. Naturally I didn't get any packing done, so I'm rushing it now. Luckily I was on the phone most of the day, so I could talk to her and get stuff done. Otherwise I tend to get distracted. Thank you Courtney. Tomorrow I just have to pack up my final stuff. I once again found that I can survive off of very little sleep. I will admit I was ornery yesterday, but it did mark the longest I have gone without seeing Courtney since the day we met. 1 week and counting. It sucks being away from someone you care about so much. But it does make the time we spend together so much more precious.

So we are so ready to move in. The anticipation is absolutely killer. Ugh. That first day will be interesting. A place to call my own. And I can kick people out without them running to my dad to have it overturned (not like it's ever happenned, but you never now). Less than 48 hours till it's all official. Yesss!!!

So Lonely

Contrary to popular belief, I am a lonely person. All the girls I hang out with just want to be friends. It's really working to my disadvantage at this point. You know who I really want at this point? Savanna. She is so sweet. I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut about how hot she was today. Oh my. Hopefully she didn't see how I was looking at her today, because I wasn't exactly subtle today. Ouch! Just thinking about her is hurting. I'm ready to move and go to school so I don't have to think about such things...

Yup

Well this is the Dilly-O. I did have a horrible time last night, due to the fact that I am lonely, and I feel out of place at this point in time. I was having a horrible time last night. And I did put up an interesting blog. It was funny. Sorry Kelly, I didn't mean sound rude. I apologize. I appreciate everyone reading my thoughts. It makes feel like people know I exist. Listen to Me!!! I sound so insecure... Grr... Buck Up.

Young'n's

Omigosh. Young girls are killing me. Like the 16-17 year old range. They're all so cute and I can't get anywhere near them. Friends only. My 5 year rule is definitely gonna be put to the test this year. I set a rule 4 years ago that I wouldn't go beyond the 3 year range, but that was broken so quickly. It took only a month. But now 5 years. Aye-Yi-Yi. With girls like Kelly and Lauren around, it makes me want to amend the rule again...

Unexpected Effect...

Here is a letter that I was given today by a guy who is leaving my army unit after 8 years of service, I've only know him 5, but this was totally unexpected:

Chris,
Long have I enjoyed serving around you. There are times when you know exactly how to break the tension w/ the right humorous comment. I thought I would leave you with a few thoughts as I prepare to leave the unit & probably the Armed Forces.
I remember the first time we met vividly, or at least, when you came back from basic training. You were so new and waiting for someone to lead and take charge. That's how you seemed to me anyway, so hopeful and wanting. I'm sorry that the leadership wasn't there. It must have been hard for you to come down to that realization. I know you've become cynical towards the leadership, and I really don't blame you for it. But try, every once in a while, to have a little bit of hope. Hope that things will get better, that that life will improve, and hope that the command staff will get a damn clue. That last one may be a bit of a stretch, for all of us. Additionally, dont get stuck in the rut of HHC life. They're never going to promote us, so go somewhere where they will. It might be hell for a while, but it can't be worse than Iraq. You have the seed of good leadership within you. You could be the next Captain McNeil so easily. I know it's there. I can see it. Unlock that potential, run with it, and you will go farther than you could possibly imagine.
A few final thoughts. We lived in a tent, shared meals & missions, got into trouble (remember the shower incident w/ Tallerico in Iraq?), all this and more we have done together. Even before we left for Iraq, I knew I could always count on you, Poulson, and Ray to watch my back if we ever had to. And until Iraq, I never thought that would be tested. But it was. You, YOU!!, had my back when it was absolutely needed. You really did, and I don't know if there was enough thanks that I can give to you for that. But I will say this: I owe you one.
Lastly, you can never know the measure of a man until you have seen his actions. I have seen your actions, and they are mostly good. Should I die before you, I should like to stand as a witness for you before the Judgement Bar. For, because of your actions and the things we have been through, thou art my brother forever more. I really mean that. Thanks for the memories.

Spc. Nathan Shumway

Wow. I can still make a difference. You have restored my self-esteem in my abilities to raise the quality of life for others. Thanks Nate. Now I owe you one.

"You really like those doughnuts don't you?; Have you seen the food they just tried to make us eat?" - Spc Allred and Chris $ shortly after Army Lunch

Yeah, so I went and saw the Dukes to today. That's right, I saw the Dukes of Hazzard. Against every recommendation and critical review. And you know what, I liked it. Not just because of Jessica either (although she was the only reason I needed to go), the movie was silly and totally fun, not serious. I'm a little tired of the serious life right now, I think people need to screw around a little more. Live and Let Live. It may not have been true to the original show, but it definitely put a modern twist on the show. And my, Oh my, Jessica Simpson is fine. F-I-N-E. Fine. But then again I am a sucker for those blondes...

So Courtney has called me 3 times since she's been in Oklahoma. Yeah, she hasn't even gotten to move into her dorm yet. That's tomorrow. As for me, I'm turning my room inside out right now to get ready to move. I guess my little brother is moving into my room. That's all fine and dandy. I can't wait to get out. I'm tired of family being right next door, trying to get me to do stuff all the time. Luckily I had army this weekend, but as soon as I got home they were trying to grab me to work. Ugh... I don't mind every once in a while, but the second I walk in the door. It gets so frustrating.

So school starts the week after this one. Is everyone ready? I sure am. Especially since it's all paid for already for me. It's like I told one of my aunt's co-workers, I can't wait to stick my head in a book until December, so I stay out of trouble... HAHAHA!!! Oh that was funny. No, I'm gonna have fun with school and being moved out, and working my A off. Full-Time work, Full-Time school, and P-A-R-T-Y. Yeah Baby!!! Bring it on...

If this is Zion, then I'm scared of Hell...

It is too hot. You heard me, too hot. Granted, in the heart of Baghdad it is reaching the high 150's right now, but they deserve it. For peaceful America it is too hot. I hate it. I so want to live in Hawaii where the difference in temperature year round is 20 degrees (I'm with you Ellie). I spent all today in army clothes and I was sweating by 9 o'clock. In the morning. It's crazy. So I think we should make a petition to the great weather-maker to tone it down a little. As LDS people we don't like to suffer. We'll leave that to the Catholics. (I can make that joke because I'm a former Catholic and I understand the mechanics of pain for repentance.) So who's with me!?!?

My Sadness

Courtney is leaving today. I spent 5 and half hours with her last night. There were times where we just sat there and held each other. I'm gonna miss her so much.

So I'm sitting here on Army weekend, waiting for a train to pass. These weekends are not very fruitful anymore. We had a BBQ. Last night I didn't miss a whole lot. I'm so glad I convinced them to let me spend the time with Courtney. We were getting along again and it was so nice. We went to Applebee's and talked, then we went bowling. After that we went back to her house and spent our last hours together. She was in tears and I was close. Oh my. 9 months until she's back. Grrr...

In the meantime Ryan and I are a little over a week from moving into Parkway Crossing. It's hard to believe that we're actually doing it. I mean I went to Basic Training and War, he went on a mission, but this is really moving out. It's so different. WE'RE MOVING OUT!!! Hahaha. I just had to say that...

9 days...

What's It To Ya

Well, I see that people are lacking faith all around me, especially towards me. I swear that I am a good person. No matter my mistakes, I still hold myself to a standard. Why can't people realize that I have no hidden agenda, I have no reason to lie, so why lie to me? It's fruitless. I am who I am, no guile. Take me for who I am, because that is who I am. Think about it and give me a little faith.

What Now?

It is definitely transition time. I'm moving out in two weeks from yesterday, Ryan is sad because Megan is moving to Salt Lake, Courtney is leaving for Oklahoma, Ellie is back from Hawaii and school starts for all of us again. I just want to be over this transition. It's kinda stressful. I need rhythm, and right now rhythm has been thrown to the wind. Yikes-a-bee!

The Deal is Off!!!

I didn't get my car. So now the hunt resumes. I'm looking for another Mustang. Hopefully I'll find one, or I'll start looking for something else. And that is part of the fun.

There's No Buisness Like Show Buisness

So on Saturday I went up and found a Mustang convertible. It is an '01 Black Beauty. I loved it and in my excitement, I forgot that car salesman try to screw you. And they did. They told me that they dropped the price to 22,000 so I could make the payment range I wanted. Not only did they not do that, but the car is only worth 18,250 on the highest market rate. They tried to screw me. Luckily my co-signer is in Colorado, so I have all the paperwork. The downside is that I already swiped my card for the downpayment. So I'm on my way up there to re-negotiate or drop the deal. I'm hopping mad.

This weekend my mom came from Colorado. She arrived on Friday night and we caught up with each other. On Saturday we went car shopping and she did the whole Mustang experience with me and then we watched King Arthur. Sunday we went out to Utah Lake on my uncle's boat. It was the first time that my dad and mom had done something in 20 years. They usually just say hi and leave it at that. But we all went out and had a blast. I came back with sore muscles, a sunburn and a black eye. My mom got up on skis and skiied three times. She said it was so much fun because she didn't have worry about kids at all. I'm glad. She deserves a vacation every now and then.

I'll tell you how the car deal goes later.

Ellie

And so I got a text from Ellie yesterday and we've been texting quite a lot since then. A lot. I haven't texted one person so much since when I first met Courtney. It's made me realize how much I do miss her. She's so much fun and very crazy. I like that and I can't wait for her to come back from Hawaii so we can play again. Ugh, she's been gone too long. And I'm jealous that she's out there without me. I am gonna live there someday. And when I go there, I doubt I'll ever want to come back again. But until then, come home Ellie. It's playtime.

Who's My Daddy?

Okay. So for the past week Ryan has been bugging me about the top girl in my life. Truth be told I don't have one. My focus is definitely there, but I don't have an absolute focus. So because of this Ryan calls me a Player. Maybe I am, but I sure am honest about it.

Courtney - She's moving to Oklahoma and I am spending as much time with her as I can. I definitely feel love towards her. A canidate for marriage.

Christy - My best friend. I've shut down all my feelings for her. The thing about her is when she liked me, I could be in her eyes that I wasn't good enough for her. I cannot be looked down upon.

Savanna - Definitely a lot of interest on my part in her. The down side is that she has her own problems with a boy that she's been dating for a while. He's turned out to be an emotional leech and is stressing her out to the max. So I keep my distance, but she's so fun to flirt with. I don't know where she stands on liking me anyway.

Jayna - So far a one night fling. She hasn't even made an effort to call me. Don't know.

Hailey - My relationship with Hailey goes back to High School. We pretty much dated for over 2 years, but were never serious. When I wanted to get serious, she backed off because she was scared. Last December I started hanging out with her and she expressed interest in marrying me. It infuriated me and I cut her off. I didn't start talking to her again until March. We hang out about once a week. She is totally in love with me (according to Ryan who texted her a lot one night) so I don't know. I don't feel for her the way I did, and I don't think I ever will.

So this is where I stand. Courtney right now is number 1. But I have a feeling that Parkway Crossing is gonna change it all.

20 Days to Paradise.

"It disappoints me that you don't have enough faith in me to tell me the truth" - Chris to Courtney

Guidelines to maintaining a Relationship with Chris $

1. Don't Lie to Me. No matter how much you want to spare my feelings, no matter what it may cost, the cost is always higher if you lie. Even if it's a white lie. It makes me push away from you. I'll tell you if I don't want to hear it, but let me make the choice. Don't take my decision making abilities away from me. I'm a big boy and I've been around the block hundreds of times.

2. Don't Try to Make Me Jealous. This is infuriating. I would never try to make you jealous and I expect the same courtesy. Yes I am a flirt, but if you try to make me jealous, then I'm just gonna play you.

3. Don't Try to Control Me. If I truly like you, then I'm gonna want to be around you. But you have to realize that I have other people in my life, as do you, and I still want to maintain my ties with them. Don't try to manipulate me and make my schedule and other relationships the way you want them. I comprimise, but I don't become subdued.

4. No Guilt Trips. They don't work. Don't even try.

5. You Can't Change Me. I will change according to what I think is proper, not the way you'll want me to. Give me time, and you'll see that I am more than worth the wait.

These five things are very important. I tell girls these things right off. If you can't accept them then I don't think we'll have a future.

Mom

So I had my rough day on Sunday and I fired off an E-Mail to my mom. She called me the next day and asked me if she could come see me. She arrives on Friday. It will have been 908 days since I last saw her. February 9, 2003. 2 1/2 years. Missionaries don't even go that long without seeing their family. So I finally get to see her. It's gonna be nice...

Finding My Diversion

So I'm having a terrible time finding something that will divert my mind off of all the problems that face me. I think I'm gonna have to force myself to workout on a daily basis but I don't know if that's gonna help. None of my movies help, walks don't help and hanging out with Ryan doesn't help because I'm always afraid that he's gonna run off to see Megan and not come back for the rest of the day.

Sundays are definitely the worst because no one can really do anything and so I just get to sit at home and think and generate new problems in my head. It's so not cool. So I have to find a diversion. Or I'm gonna drive myself outta my mind. Maybe I should just move to Hawaii and live on the beach. Ellie wants too, I think it is a good idea. Ryan moves to Vegas and myself to the island of Molokai. The only reason I love the island is because it has an awesome name.

Yikes. I need a Vacation.

Ignore my words. Ryan's feisty today so I have to vent somewhere.

True Love

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.

Dear to My Heart

My dearest Kelly, I just want you to be happy.

What it is Yo!

So today was Courtney's Bday slash Farewell party. Yeah, first thing Zac walks in (Courtney's ex) and throws a fit because I'm there.. That was dumb. So he acted all pouty for the next like 5 hours. I hate it. So we did the Boondocks and had some fun. It's a pretty fun place if you can handle all the kids.

So we came back, but Zac was still being dumb and giving me dirty looks and stuff. So I left for a while and went to buy Courtney's first gift from me. I went to Kirkland's for the gift. Talked to Carole and Savanna for a while. Savanna sure cracks me up. She's extremely feisty with me. It's so funny. Then I got a text from Courtney asking me if I was coming back.

So I went back down and watched as the rest of the BBQ was put together. I let Courtney play with my phone for a while. Then the rest of the people came over and we had dinner. As soon as dinner was over practically everybody split. Trhat's when I gave Courtney her Beer Money Bank. Then we sat down and started watching a movie. I was laying pretty close to Courtney on the couch and then Zac started freaking out. Quietly, but enough to upset Courtney. Then he asked her if he could talk to her in private. He then proceeded to tell her that he's super jealous and didn't like it, when not two hours before he had his arm around her and she was laying on him on the couch right in front of me. Such a damn hipocrite. Now it is approaching the hour of her birthday. That's right the last day of July.

Happy 18th Birthday Courtney.

Oh Dear...

So Ryan, Christy, and I went up to see Katie, Christy's sister. Ryan and Katie had a huge fight about 5 months ago and didn't speak to each other until a couple of days ago. So we went up to Layton to see her. Before we got to her house I noticed the Air Force Base, so we went on base because I wanted to see if I could find a certain type of Liquor that they don't sell in Utah. Unfortunately I couldn't find it. But before we could get on the base we had to get Honeyman's Jeep a temporary pass. Yeah, if you want to get on a base, you need a military boy, current registration, and proof of insurance. Ryan did not have a current insirance card. So he had to call State Farm and have them fax a copy of his insirance. Always keep the card in your car, you never know when you'll need it.

So we went and played with Katie. We took a tour of her apartment and then we sat and talked for awhile, I caught up with Christy and her boy toy situation. Then we went bowling. None of us broke a hundred. Ryan and I were pretty crazy. Then we went back, talked for a little while. Now we're on the road home. Yay. Tomorrow's friday. I have two crazy days ahead of me. I can't wait till sunday when I can sleep all day. Wait. It's Courtney's birthday. Looks like I'm screwed until the 15th.

Self-Improvement

I am going through a self-improvement phase. I've started working out again, I'm watching what I eat, improving my living area (this year I'm moving out to improve my surroundings), and I'm buying a new car. I want to have another year of school under me by this time next year and to have had an awesome year. Financial success would be nice too, but that'll have to wait for another year.

Hopeless

I am so pathetic. I meet a girl and then suddenly I'm infatuated. Megan said "now you have 4." Jayna. She's fun. Only got to spend one night with her so far, but she's intoxicating. The funny part is that Ryan was talking about me one night to her and she wanted to meet me. The next night I was there to see the show. Ryan pointed me out to her while he was on stage, she said "He's cute!" and Ryan started laughing on stage. I met her later and I guess she noticed the way I looked at her. Then Friday night we went over to her house. She flirted with me and I flirted back and needless to say, by the end of the night we were making out, just like Ryan and Megan. She's fun and a girl that I could really like. So we'll see what happens.

I know, I'm hopeless. Ryan says I need to settle down. I just laugh at him, because, I still don't know what I want. Hahaha.

Just smile and be happy.

Kelly

Sorry that you're dealing with this stupid relationship stuff at this time. My heart goes out to you. If you need anymore help, let me know. (Whatever help I gave you)

Zelda

One of the coolest games of all time has to be Zelda: The Ocarina of Time. I'm here at Megan's House watching Ryan attempt to play Zelda. He screams everytime something surprises him in the game. It's so hilarious. He's so funny. Watching these girls play is so much fun.

So let me tell you about my drama this morning. I was sitting out front at work because Savanna was out there all alone. We were chatting and laughing about stupid stuff and Courtney walked in. She had such a scowl on her face. Both Savanna and I looked at each other. I had no idea. But after a little while I realized it. During the shipment she was as sweet as can be but as soon as we were back in the store she went cold on me. I did most of my work out front because it felt like a hostile work environment. V finally told me that it was completely dumb.

After Savanna left Courtney was fine... Aaargh, totally aggrevating. So Ryan and I went and got all the information for Parkway Crossing today. We decided that was the place when two hot girls in bikinis walked out of the pool. We knew that we could not turn that down. Our fate is sealed.

The Money Path

Kelly's back. Ellie's leaving. Sheesh. Well this week is pretty exciting for me. On Thursday I'm eligible for my $15,000 re-enlistment bonus. Oooh, I can't wait. That Mustang is calling to me. They are so pretty. Everybody has been giving me their opinions, so we'll see what I actually come out with. I have 3 final colors picked out. Olive Green, Midnight Blue, or Charcoal. I want it to be a manual (helps eliminate the amount of people who'll want to drive). Don't know whether or not I want a convertible. I want an V-8 GT.

This fall I want to move out to Parkway Crossing. Just to get out from under people and it would be very interesting. I'm just afraid I'm gonna turn into a party animal. But that's a risk I'm willing to take!!! HA. I better have my Sidekick back by then... I miss it so much. I never realized how attached I got to it. I had it for 34 days. I have haven't had it for 7 days. And it's killing me. I kinda want to move out so I'm not under anyone's thumb. But I do have plenty of freedom here at my dad's. I just miss being my own person, not having to tell someone where I am so they don't worry about me. Everybody better come and play with Ryan and I. Especially you Kelly. None of those "But I live in Springville" excuses. Both Ryan and I love to drive, so there is no reason to feel bad. Everybody come and play.

Well, I'm losing my train of thought, so I think I'll finish it. Talk to you guys later. Have fun in my future home Ellie.

Living Today

Well, it's been awhile and I was a mess the last posting, but it's all good now. Shortly after I posted my last blog on Sunday, Courtney called me and we discussed things. We're good now. I was just severely disappointed because I missed her and she didn't want to see me. But then she came to my house the next day and we visited. So we're good.

Okay the stressful news first. I broke my Sidekick yesterday. Oh, that sucked. Then I called T-Mobile and they informed me that I had cancelled my equipment insurance. WRONG!!! I did no such thing. So I called the insurance company and we discussed it and they fixed it for me. They reinstated my insurance and are going to send me a new phone. Soon I hope. I didn't realize how attached I got to that phone. I love it. Now I'm without it, and I miss it.

So today I texted Savanna and asked her out. Unfortunately she couldn't go with me tomorrow, but she called me later and said that we need to go do something another day. She seemed kinda excited about it. I thought it was funny. Especially since she had a pretty weak excuse for calling me. I had given her the days and hours she worked next week and she asked me specifically what days they were. But I had already given her the days and they weren't easily mistaken. So it was kinda cute. I look forward to going out with her. She is a very fun person.

So I'll talk to you guys later. I have a full weekend ahead of me.

Crushed

I am nearly in tears at this moment. Courtney has come back from St. George and doesn't want to see me. My best friend Christy is off playing with a boy that she met on Friday and now has a crush on and Savanna is down in Emery not even knowing that I have a crush on her. Here I am, all alone in my little world on a Sunday night. It makes me sad.

As Chris Money I am supposed to maintain a high level of pride, and discipline and not care when people use me. Normally I don't but today I felt used by Courtney and Christy. When they're low, I'm there for them, but when I'm low they are nowhere to be seen. Sure Christy is there sometimes, but not tonight. She was too busy enjoying hanging out with Ben. It makes me feel boring and insignificant. Just because I'm not full of money and ideas at all times. I'm sorry that I can be that way. But I'm not larger than life. I'm only me.

What can I do to make people like me for what I have. It's times like these where I wish I was back in Baghdad, so I don't have to worry about filling up my time with friends and being lonely. I always had something to do and didn't feel useless or friendless. Everybody loved me more when I was over there because I was an idea, not an actual person. But now I'm nobody and nobody could give two shits about me. I miss having so much attention on me but I would never admit that. I feel like now I have to pay back everybody for all the favors they did for me. I feel like I'm indebted until I go back again. I think that's another reason I joined up again, so I felt like people could appreciate me. Without the Army, I mean nothing. Courtney said she didn't want to pursue a relationship with me because I'm in the army and she didn't want to lose me. It crushed me. She will never have a relationship with me because she doesn't want to take the chance of losing me.

How about this. People think that I'm a slobbering drunk. I drink at most twice a week. At most. I rarely drink during the week and I don't drink during the school year. I partake yes, but it helps keep me relaxed and calm. It brings everything back into proper perspective for me when I become an unbearable prick. I'm sorry, but at this moment in time it helps in easing my PTSD. Yes, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I will admit it. I have this supreme fear of being alone now. It was a minor fear before but now it's amplified. And tonight I have felt so alone and it's been tearing me apart. I try to deal with it, but I can't. It's truly unbearable at this moment in time. I just want to go back to Iraq, where I was never alone...

Reunion

Wow. I went to my 5 year high school reunion last night. It was interesting to see how many people were married and were having kids or were gonna have kids. All the former cheerleaders were all married. It was kinda disappointing. Some of them didn't do to well with maintaining their figures over the years, but some of them did a superb job. We played volleyball for a little while, which was pretty fun. I gotta remember to not hustle as much as I do sometimes or I'm gonna get hurt. I can't move like I used too. We got to listen to some of the alumni play instruments like they used to back when we were in school. It was cool and fun. I really started to miss the days of being in High School. Such simple times. No worries in the world except to pass the class.

Oh I miss those days

So Sad...

I didn't get to go to St. George this weekend. I was going to, but because my car isn't legal and not in the best shape. I wanted to go see Courtney so bad, but I didn't. Disappointed...

Too Busy...

What the heck!!! Everybody is soooo busy. I don't know what to do. I am so bored. I do get to look forward a night of St. George this weekend with my beloved Courtney. I wish I could stay all weekend, but I have to come back up for my 5 year reunion on Saturday. I can't believe that I've been out of High School for 5 years. It's amazing. Now I get to go see if anybody has done anything in the last 5 years of their life. I made a lot of enemies in high school, so at least I can tell them that I spent 16 months of my life fighting for my country. Let's see them heckle me for that (except the ones who are hard-headed and completely anti-war.)

After that, my weekend doesn't have that much meaning. I'm starting to be eager to go back to school. I want to go back to school, really bad. It's gonna be fun. At least I'll be occupied and never bored. And when I go to school the VA pays me $788 a month. That will be so nice. I can pay for my new car (coming so soon ladies and gentleman) and perhaps an apartment. Oooh I can't wait for that. Between my school and work, I'll have some pretty good money.

Hehehe... Stop me now...

Freedom!

Well I had a fun 4th of July. Except for the fact that my dad busted the driver's side window out of my car. That kinda sucked. Now I have to order a new window along with a door handle. Ughh...

I lit off plenty of fireworks last night. Between me and my brother, we had the most as far as I can remember. I had a lot of the fun stuff from last year. So we fired off a lot of stuff. Everything from mortars to bottle rockets to flowers. The little tricks to the bottle rockets (because half of them were duds) was to stick a flashing strobe down our launching pipe, then drop a handful of rockets down the pipe. The ones that would light, fired off, the rest just sat there. We had fun and put on quite a show. We were told to stop, so Christy and I took them over to a church and we finished off all of the big stuff. It was quite cool. How about that?

Anyone else try to blow themselves up last night?

Summer Fun

4th of July weekend is one of my favorite weekends of the whole year. People decide to actually start having fun and include me in on it. Partied on Friday, Saturday I went to the fireworks show up at the U and today I went out skiing with my uncle. I didn't get around to skiing because I went tubing first and during my second run I got ejected from the tube and slammed into the water face first. It hurt my neck pretty bad so I'm laid out at my Grandma's with a heat pack on my neck. It's sending a dull pain through my entire head.

I hate fighting with girls, especially when I don't know what I did for them to not be nice to me. Sometimes I do something and I don't even realize it, but I have done nothing. I am certain of it, and if I had, it was something so trivial that it's dumb that she'd be upset. I get tired of my behavior being held to these standards that these girls don't even follow. It's not even with people I'm dating, that's what infuriates me the most.

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Pretty Fireworks

So I went to Rice-Eccles Stadium for the substitute 4th of July celebration. It was interesting. It wouldn't have been worth it if Kelly Clarkson hadn't performed. Her performance definitely made it worth the $35 I payed. She's a very good singer. I didn't think I would enjoy it as much as I did. Ryan kept everyone else around us entertained with his normal antics. I myself was chewing on my program because that girl has gotten quite hot over the past couple of years. Mmm... She was yummy. The fireworks at the end were kind of disappointing. They went and then all of a sudden they just stopped. For a half an hour we waited for the fireworks to start back up. Damn Computers. But it was a pretty good finale. I enjoyed my night. We had fun. So many hot girls up there. It makes me want to go to the U just for fun.

Well I'm sitting here on a dock in the middle of Utah Lake and I'm gonna watch my cousin try to ski, so I'm outie...

Wow!!!

Last night I went to a party over at my aunt's friends house. Omigosh, it was fun. I got kinda tipsy (drank half a bottle of Rum, and quarter of a bottle of Vodka) and we were playing shuffleboard and pool. It was pretty interesting. Now today we go to Kelly Clarkson and hopefully a pretty good fireworks show. I'm hoping. I never know anymore.

My fingers are crossed.

Self Examination

Okay, this was a fairly interesting day for me. It started last night when I was talking to Courtney she asked me if I knew why Savanna was acting the way she was. I told her I didn't know what she was talking about. She then went on to explain that she walked in on the tailend of a conversation at work and she asked what it was about. Kali told her that they were talking about how Savanna was jealous everytime I talked to Courtney. I was shocked. Courtney then went on to say that if I wanted to have something with Savanna, she would have no problem with that. Alarms started going off in my head. That is a classic trap. So I just started talking about something else. Not a rude change, I just asked her another question and we started a whole other conversation.

In the morning I went next door and asked my aunt if V (my boss) had mentioned anything about Savanna. She just smiled and asked "Why? Because you like her?" I just turned around and walked away. Mostly to hide the grin on my face. (I have a hard time hiding my emotions on my face.) She followed me outside and then she asked me what I specifically wanted to know. I asked her about what Courtney said to me and she said "I know." So I went to work. About 20 minutes after I got there V walked up to me and said "So you're the source of jealousy in my store." We started talking and she told me that it was no secret that Savanna was attracted to me. Then I looked at her and said "It's news to me." She just laughed.

Courtney then walked in. She smiled coyly and said hi very softly. My gosh, she looked so hot. She was also very touchie-feelie with me. She made me want her so bad. Ryan's theory is that she's jealous. And I think that he is right. Wow. Am I a prize? Much more of this and I'm gonna get a big head.

After Courtney left and she told me that I'm evil, (which is code that she wants me too) I proceeded to ask Carole. She told me that Courtney was the one that was showing jealousy whenever I talked to Savanna. It brought me down, but then she said that whenever I walked into the store, Savanna would light right up. Which is a sign that she's attracted to me. I asked her why she thought so, and she told me that Savanna didn't ask anyone else 101 questions when she first met them. Yikes. What if she is? There is no doubt that I'm attracted to her, so it could end up being interesting.

I went and saw War of the Worlds today. It's pretty good. Very intense, keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole time. Go see it, unless you can't handle the constant suspense or don't like Sci-Fi.

Later my peoples.

A Lesson in Anxiety

Just so everybody doesn't think that Ryan is the only crazy one, I'll have you all know that I myself had a series of anxiety attacks this morning. It gets to a point where you can't take it anymore and it feels like all of your problems are collapsing in on you. Almost like Claustrophobia, where you feel like the walls are closing in on you. I have some pretty good defense mechanisms against them, but there are times that it becomes too much. I haven't had any of these attacks in over 4 years, so I think I've been doing good.

Oh I can't wait to get my Mustang, that'll help me out a lot. And getting back into school will focus me, so I'm not worrying about stupid things that shouldn't really bother me. School so far away. It sucks when you can't wait for summer to get over. Maybe when I have a good paying job and a beautiful girlfriend/wife, then I'll love summers. I just want to get past the point where I have to worry about every penny I spend.

I can't wait for the day. When I can walk out onto my porch, grab my surfboard, and walk out into the ocean to surf for my morning workout. Who wants to be a millionaire? This guy...

Happy Birthday Mom

Hell-o All

Well it seems like a lot of people are having a pretty rough time compared to me, so I'm not gonna complain. I'm greatful for all the people in my life and the strength that they give me. Hang in there everybody, there's gonna be a break in the clouds and everyone is gonna see the sunshine all at once.

Kelly, we're definitely gonna miss you this weekend. I hope some of you will be able to come and see some of the fireworks that I'm gonna be launching off. I'm gonna be firing off things that don't stay on the ground, so it should be pretty interesting. Last year we were shooting bottle rockets at my two aunts who were riding on motorized scooters. I'll be taking volunteers starting now. Living on the edge is pretty fun and I promise to try to avoid setting you on fire. My grandmother is also bringing me back some other "goodies" from her trip to Jackson Hole.

I am so looking forward to this weekend. It has been a good decade since I've been to an organized fireworks show. In fact I do believe that it was Stadium of Fire. A long, long time ago. It's gonna be fun. I just hope Kelly Clarkson isn't disappointing or people I travel with behave towards one another. This is a nice little vacation, so eveyone better play nice, I ain't refereeing. Okay, enough of that.

Just to satisfy Ryan, I will admit that I have a huge crush on Savanna at work. Sometimes it sucks to be me. What can I say, I'm very human. And she's gorgeous. Have fun peoples, I'll see ya'll later.