Crushed

I am nearly in tears at this moment. Courtney has come back from St. George and doesn't want to see me. My best friend Christy is off playing with a boy that she met on Friday and now has a crush on and Savanna is down in Emery not even knowing that I have a crush on her. Here I am, all alone in my little world on a Sunday night. It makes me sad.

As Chris Money I am supposed to maintain a high level of pride, and discipline and not care when people use me. Normally I don't but today I felt used by Courtney and Christy. When they're low, I'm there for them, but when I'm low they are nowhere to be seen. Sure Christy is there sometimes, but not tonight. She was too busy enjoying hanging out with Ben. It makes me feel boring and insignificant. Just because I'm not full of money and ideas at all times. I'm sorry that I can be that way. But I'm not larger than life. I'm only me.

What can I do to make people like me for what I have. It's times like these where I wish I was back in Baghdad, so I don't have to worry about filling up my time with friends and being lonely. I always had something to do and didn't feel useless or friendless. Everybody loved me more when I was over there because I was an idea, not an actual person. But now I'm nobody and nobody could give two shits about me. I miss having so much attention on me but I would never admit that. I feel like now I have to pay back everybody for all the favors they did for me. I feel like I'm indebted until I go back again. I think that's another reason I joined up again, so I felt like people could appreciate me. Without the Army, I mean nothing. Courtney said she didn't want to pursue a relationship with me because I'm in the army and she didn't want to lose me. It crushed me. She will never have a relationship with me because she doesn't want to take the chance of losing me.

How about this. People think that I'm a slobbering drunk. I drink at most twice a week. At most. I rarely drink during the week and I don't drink during the school year. I partake yes, but it helps keep me relaxed and calm. It brings everything back into proper perspective for me when I become an unbearable prick. I'm sorry, but at this moment in time it helps in easing my PTSD. Yes, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I will admit it. I have this supreme fear of being alone now. It was a minor fear before but now it's amplified. And tonight I have felt so alone and it's been tearing me apart. I try to deal with it, but I can't. It's truly unbearable at this moment in time. I just want to go back to Iraq, where I was never alone...