Finding Joy in Times of Trial and Suffering

This is a talk I gave in my church a week and a half ago. I have had many who heard it approach and thank me for my words and the honesty that I was willing to share with them. When giving a talk I look at it from the point of view that if I can help or touch one person who needs it, then the talk was worth giving.

Here it is:

I was asked to speak today on the topic of Finding Joy in Times of Trial and Suffering. I already had plenty of trials to fall back on but in less than one week after agreeing to speak on this topic, I was given more trials to endure, most likely to test my resolve and my faith. Once I got over the shock and came to grips with my new, unfavorable situation, I kneeled down to pray and asked Heavenly Father, “Please don’t give me any more trials, I think I have enough examples for the talk I am going to give.” In the whirlwind that followed over the next week and a half, to the point when I wrote this talk last night, I had lot of thoughts. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I, myself, am the living proof that you can still hold onto joy and not succumb to despair, while your whole world is collapsing around you. In a devotional to BYU-Idaho in 2007, Brother Larry Richman had a great thought on this subject. He said “I’ve learned that the way I respond to trials can have a great effect on whether they become roadblocks in my life or expressways to learning and growth. When I anguish over difficulties, the experiences only serve to weigh me down. But remembering that these trials are part of the great plan of happiness helps me to see them as opportunities to grow and learn.” 

Is this not the absolute truth? When something comes along and tests your resolve to function in life, you have two choices. The first choice is to lay down and let the world overwhelm you, withdrawing while pretending that there is nothing you can do about it. The second choice is turn to heavenly father by getting down on your knees and praying for his guidance, his love, and his help to overcome the calamity that has befallen you. Before you know it, your heart will be filled with his love and you can push forward through life again, and begin to work through the problem. In the October 2017 Conference, Elder Uchtdorf told us “When the darkness of night falls, we do not despair and worry that the sun is extinguished. We do not postulate that the sun is not there or is dead. We understand that we are in a shadow, that the earth will continue to rotate, and that eventually the rays of the sun will reach us once again. ; If you open your mind and heart to receive the Light of Christ and humbly follow the Savior, you will receive more light. Line upon line, here a little and there a little, you will gather more light and truth into your souls until darkness has been banished from your life.”

We lean on Heavenly Father to give us the strength to find our joy in times of darkness. When we have extended periods without joy, our faith begins waver and could fracture, or even be destroyed. It is easier to fix something that is just cracked, than it is to rebuild it from scratch. I speak to this from my own experience. After I returned from war in Iraq and also, after my divorce, my faith had nearly shattered beyond repair. I was unhappy and sad for so long that I no longer turned to my savior in my times of need. I made choices that affected me for a long time and led me away from Jesus and his love. The more decisions I made causing me to stray from the path that Christ had laid out for me, the more unhappy and difficult my life became. I found myself relying on worldly things to try and bring me joy, but they only ended up making the emptiness I felt inside widen to a cavern of nearly limitless proportions. This led to self-loathing and discouragement about being able to forgive myself, let alone return to church without bursting into flames the moment I set foot inside. An article in the March 2013 Ensign described it perfectly “I had become an ‘empty chair.’ I felt as though Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ could never forgive me for what I’d done. Every time I would even consider trying to clean up my life during the moments when I could think clearly, self-loathing and discouragement took over. I would then give up on myself again.”  This predicament makes it incredibly difficult for any progress in your spiritual life to be made and you begin to look at it, like a mountain peak that can never be climbed. At some point you are ready to give up and turn your back on your faith, for all time. I definitely approached this point and was in danger of grinding my faith into dust, but then I met people who had the savior’s light shining so brightly within them, that it re-lit the fire in my own heart, which returned me to Christ and to the Church. Finding your joy can be as simple as partaking of the sacrament, reconnecting with someone you haven’t talked to in a long time, or just watching children interact with the world around them. Even writing a talk, in the darkest of hours, can bring a little joy into your heart. 

A great of example of this has been happening within the church during this holiday season. I have found that many of my friends have been posting on social media about their Light the World moments. This program is amazing at bringing joy to those in the church and all those with whom church members have been interacting. Seeing these moments of joy happening to people that I know in real world is amazing to see for me, even if it was through Instagram and Facebook. This has continued to light the joy in my heart and keep me from even thinking about my own problems. This is especially heartening considering that I can turn into a curmudgeon during the holidays, just ask my family. Without even realizing it, my friends have made me more joyful in this time of trial. 

Brothers and Sisters, we have so many choices to make in our lives, why not choose the path that not only brings joy to ourselves, but to everyone around us as well. In October of 2008, President Monson told us “We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us. ; Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” 

We must show our joy to others as examples of the love Christ has for us and you will never know how that joy will affect someone who is struggling.

Awareness

On this day I have multiple thoughts crashing through my head. Today is Suicide Awareness Day. This is a very dark subject that has touched me throughout all of my years.  I've had too many people kill themselves whom I have loved. For the ability to actually take your life you have to feel either great despair from which there is no escape or you feel such self-hate that you cannot stand to be yourself. Or both.

I want to focus on the hate part. Hate is so dark of an emotion. It is also not just limited to feelings of self, but it is spewed upon others. This is so apparent in our culture these days. Hate is flung about carelessly and is hitting people that it should not be. The more we hate, the more we lose our humanity.

On this, September 10 2017, we are on the eve of the 16th Anniversary of one of the darkest days to ever hit American soil. The theme of that dark day, Hate. People who hate our way of life and what we stand for so much, that they attacked and killed nearly 3,000 people on that day. Humanity only seems to remember that destruction that hate brings right in the aftermath of such tragedies. People throughout this country and the world are spreading hate so carelessly that it is just like fuel for people who are looking for an excuse to express their darkest desires. Hate spreads evil. What is it that Yoda said? Fear leads to Anger, Anger lead to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering.

I am saddened by so many people that I have known, loved, and cared for who have been seduced to this style of thought in the last few years. People who used to keep me in check by making me smile and look on the bright side of life are now being seduced by this anger and hate. No one knows these feelings more than me, because I let them rule and run me for so long. These days I pay for those decisions. Granted I had an interesting life because of them, but it burned me up for so long. I have had so much reason to hate, but if anything the last 2 years have taught me, there is no time or reason for hate, because it just drags you down. And self-pity, the worst.

I wish people could learn my lessons by not actually have to go through them, but the best I can do is tell them what I think. I hope someday those people let their anger and hate go, and return to loving life the way they used to.

Love your life, love your self, and above all, love others.

Much Needed Clarity

As most of my family and friends know, I am plagued by migraines. The first one I remember was at 9 years old when I lived in California. At this point in my life they are an accepted nuisance. I have been through the spectrum of diagnoses with many doctors and I have many tools in controlling them. It seems to be genetic as I am the 4th generation in my family (that we know of) to suffer from them. Over the last 2 weeks, I have had 5, which sucks because I had gone a whole month without a single one.

That, however, is not the point of this post. Constant migraines tend to make me slow down and see everything in a more objective light. After a few days of consistent migraines, I reached a moment of zen. I woke up and I was feeling so forgiving. I finally forgave everybody for everything that has happened in the past couple years. And I decided to finally forgive myself. People still throw blame around for everything, but I have decided to let go of all those grudges. My family is notorious for holding on to grudges for a long time, which is probably why everybody is eternally stressed. Don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of people that I can't stand, but instead of getting angry, frustrated, and/or hating, I have decided to just walk away. This new focus gives me an unbelievable amount of peace. I'll let everyone else hate and go berserk, but I do not want any part of it.

The downside is that a lot of people I care about who have turned their backs on me will be left behind, but evidently this is what I must do. I have learned that I want to hold onto too many things to preserve my past, but some will have to be left behind.

Smile, this is a happy time.

Difference

So today I kind of woke up in a new world. I spent the last couple days cleaning up messes left behind from my previous obligations. Today was kind of a clean slate, although I still have plenty to mop up. I did some symbolic stuff that actually closed some doors subconsciously. The conscious mind will have to be convinced that it is final.

I look around and my goals are morphing. They are no longer what they were just a few months ago. It is scary, but it is necessary. I was still carrying baggage from my previous life. Out of touch friends, quirks, and even life goals. I am truly over a lot of stuff. It is very unnerving, but I think I will be a better person in the end. I still have to figure out where I stand, but I am getting there. I no longer need any pity, I'm finally becoming myself again.

Smile people. I am here.

I'm pathetic

I made it a week without a crush. Totally pathetic on my part. What is wrong with me? I don't want to want anybody. Granted it's just a light crush, but I still melt whenever I see her.

KMN. (Kill Me Now)

Frame of Mind

Just read the headline of an article "You should right a love note to your crush."
It made me think, for the time ever, I don't have a crush, a secret love, or someone who "tickles my fancy."
For 20+ years I was either pining or actively pursuing someone. Today I am not. Even 4 months ago I was still in that frame of mind.
It's oddly peaceful when you don't have to worry about that stuff. Don't get me wrong I still have dating apps on my phone and if I thought someone was interesting enough, I would go out with them, but it could be weeks before I touch those apps and everyone I come across in real life just doesn't seem to rev my engine.
It is a weird thing to reflect on. I still have friends who are actively looking for their soulmates, but I am at a moment where it does not even factor into my priorities.
Sorry ladies, this guy has better things to do.

Nostalgia

So the last 24 hours have been a nostalgia trip. I started off with having a dream that sent me into a panic spiral. I was having a close moment with someone I care about and I ended up hitting my head hard and getting my 10th concussion. The symptoms were all there and everybody left me behind. Freaked me out so bad that I woke up. Then I started getting hit with waves of nostalgia. Things I hadn't thought about in years. Little things, like movies sparking memories of nights that I had forgotten until now. Little memories that I hadn't remembered in a long time. Granted, tomorrow I'm having a BBQ with the boys, but the waves of nostalgia have been intense. I think my mind wants something that I still haven't unraveled yet. We'll see if tomorrow night I get to decipher a few things before I lose my mind.