Frustration

Frustration is definitely setting in. Tired of being jerked around. People love telling you what you want to hear, then bolt, leaving you hanging. I did that when I was married because I was tired of her. But I can't stand that from everyone else. I will not be destroyed by the vitriol of others. I am so bitter with the way people treat me with double standards.

I want to be happy again. I will love again. In fact I'm already in love again. But she has her own issues so there is nothing I can do, again. This is gonna be yet another sucky Valentine's Day. I've hated it for so long. I think I've only had two good ones in 2 decades. 1 with Christy (after our short-lived dating), 1 with Lizzy (right before we got married.)

I love Christy, I have loved her for 12 years, I will always love her. She is, in fact, the love of my life. To convince myself of anything else, would be a lie.

Baptisms by Fire

There are many baptisms in life. Religious ones. Life ones. Love ones. Some are good. Some are bad.
I can't even count how many at this point. These are events that have a profound effect on one's life.

The past drives, the future draws, but the present confuses.  Most of our culture tells us not to dwell on the past and always be preparing for the future. Some of our culture has started to participate in the "Only Now Matters" mentality. I myself spend a lot of time reflecting on the past and dreaming (planning) about the future. When I was younger I was very good about the moment, sometimes too good. But now I miss that youth and am trying to bring myself back to planning hard for the future. I know what made me live so much in the moment though. Baptism by Fire.

Nothing affected the course of my life more than my deployment. It shaped me, changed who I was (I'm sure some of that had to do with 3 concussions from head smacking and numerous other concussive blasts) and I was more forward with what I wanted. I definitely refused to waste time after I arrived home from Iraq. That year in the sand and various other months I spent at Army installations. I miss the spitfire I was, although I do have a lot more perspective to follow back on these days.

I had another Baptism by Fire last year, when I was divorced. They say the worst thing a person can experience is the death of a spouse. The second worst experience is Divorce. I was given another perspective though. Divorce may be the worst because there is no finality to it. Death is the end, divorce leaves a loose end. Now I'm not saying tying up that loose end is an option, but psychologically it is very damaging. It was definitely a rough experience because no matter how many divorces you witness, nothing prepares you for the experience of actually going through one. It took a long time but I finally got over everything and realized how much of a mistake my marriage was. (The other day I was really pissed about a habit I had created to circumvent her moods and I couldn't even put a name to her. I had actually forgotten her name for a minute.) I guess I have begun getting my closure.

I have to return to the moment and hope that there isn't another Baptism by Fire approaching. I would like to be at peace for once.