"Honestly, if I did not say things on Facebook, I would more than likely disappear and no one would ever see me again. Not friends, not family, not those that I cherish most. I am at a point in my life where my demons have begun to fly to the surface. Friday night I was spiraling so out of control to the point where I was having a nervous breakdown. I did everything I could to distract myself: Long walks, video games, and even drinking to mask the pain. But the spiraling just kept going. I went to sleep and woke up in the morning tired, my eyes aching from crying. I went into the living room and on every dry erase surface were negative messages, directed at myself. I was letting myself know that there was no hope, no reason to live. The demons were out and controlling me."
I went on describing the series of life events that had been on my mind, leading directly to this spiral. The final straw was when Tootsie died. It finished me off. There were lots of other things, but they are too many to go into detail. I think the biggest thing is that I want to have the fire that I did when I came from war. I was a force to be reckoned with. But like any great man, I fell in love. And when my heart was broken, I quickly tried to find someone else. The person that I found turned out to be a monster wearing a mask. I married that person and she turned me into a person that I was ashamed of being. I am still ashamed. I long to recapture who I was. The problem is that the support system I had back then, is no longer there. Everyone I had has either changed radically or is a shadow of the person they once were. Everybody has become so consumed with other things, that I have been left behind. I am alone in my part of life. The loneliness has become so overwhelming that on Friday night my sanity was in question. I was ready to take myself to the VA and do a self-commital to the psych ward. I would never hurt myself, but I did find myself wanting to fall asleep and never wake up.
For those of you who have known me well over the years, this is completely out of character for me. But this is how far I have fallen. I posted like a mad man on Friday, but I guess that was my cry for help. Sad thing is, only one person recognized that, and I thank you for that Nate. The people who used to look out for me in this manner, are nowhere to be seen. This is why I feel so alone. Everyone moved on and I seem to be stuck. How stuck am I? I fell in love with a woman 12 years ago, I loved her even when I was married to someone else, I still love her, and I will love her until the day I die. This woman rules my heart and there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how much I have lied to myself trying to move on, I haven't been able to. I am stuck, spinning my wheels in the mud, longing for things that I have no right to long for anymore.
Obviously I need a tow truck to pull my ass out of the deep mud I seem to be wading in. I plug on, going through the motions called life. It's all I can do at this point. I must find something to have hope in again. How do I pick myself up? Do I have the right to tell the love of my life that I still truly love her? Honestly, the horizon is so dark, I have no idea what direction I should point myself towards. I don't think I can date because my heart already belongs to someone. *sigh* Adulting sucks.
I went on describing the series of life events that had been on my mind, leading directly to this spiral. The final straw was when Tootsie died. It finished me off. There were lots of other things, but they are too many to go into detail. I think the biggest thing is that I want to have the fire that I did when I came from war. I was a force to be reckoned with. But like any great man, I fell in love. And when my heart was broken, I quickly tried to find someone else. The person that I found turned out to be a monster wearing a mask. I married that person and she turned me into a person that I was ashamed of being. I am still ashamed. I long to recapture who I was. The problem is that the support system I had back then, is no longer there. Everyone I had has either changed radically or is a shadow of the person they once were. Everybody has become so consumed with other things, that I have been left behind. I am alone in my part of life. The loneliness has become so overwhelming that on Friday night my sanity was in question. I was ready to take myself to the VA and do a self-commital to the psych ward. I would never hurt myself, but I did find myself wanting to fall asleep and never wake up.
For those of you who have known me well over the years, this is completely out of character for me. But this is how far I have fallen. I posted like a mad man on Friday, but I guess that was my cry for help. Sad thing is, only one person recognized that, and I thank you for that Nate. The people who used to look out for me in this manner, are nowhere to be seen. This is why I feel so alone. Everyone moved on and I seem to be stuck. How stuck am I? I fell in love with a woman 12 years ago, I loved her even when I was married to someone else, I still love her, and I will love her until the day I die. This woman rules my heart and there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how much I have lied to myself trying to move on, I haven't been able to. I am stuck, spinning my wheels in the mud, longing for things that I have no right to long for anymore.
Obviously I need a tow truck to pull my ass out of the deep mud I seem to be wading in. I plug on, going through the motions called life. It's all I can do at this point. I must find something to have hope in again. How do I pick myself up? Do I have the right to tell the love of my life that I still truly love her? Honestly, the horizon is so dark, I have no idea what direction I should point myself towards. I don't think I can date because my heart already belongs to someone. *sigh* Adulting sucks.
