Seeing in the Dark

Today is a dark day. It sucks because I am so unpleasant when I'm like this. The only thing I feel like doing is killing. I guess these moods would be wonderful for my time that I spend in the Army or when my carrer in the dark side of law enforcement is in full swing, but these days in civilian, everyday life are dangerous for me. I don't want to be around anybody, I just want to put myself in a corner and avoid contact. I don't want to say anything bad to anybody, I don't want to offend anyone. Last time I was in one of these moods Christy called me and it didn't turn out too well. She didn't want to talk to me the whole weekend, but she ended up coming to see me anyways and I made it up to her. She ended up adoring me again, but I don't want to be this way. And people always tell me "Well if you were doing all the things you were supposed to be doing, staying active in the church, days like this wouldn't exist." But guess what, the deeper I go into the church, the more days like this I end up having. So I have to sit on the sidelines so I don't feel overwhelmed. Someday I'll be able to control it better, but I am still young and have a hard time with the darkness within. And I know it is within, because it has been there as long as I can remember. I was afraid of the dark for the longest time because of it, but in reality I was really scared of what lies within. I know it is one of those days because my heart feels like it is being squeezed. Like something is trying to evict my soul. I have to maintain the balance between good and evil, inside myself.