Awareness

On this day I have multiple thoughts crashing through my head. Today is Suicide Awareness Day. This is a very dark subject that has touched me throughout all of my years.  I've had too many people kill themselves whom I have loved. For the ability to actually take your life you have to feel either great despair from which there is no escape or you feel such self-hate that you cannot stand to be yourself. Or both.

I want to focus on the hate part. Hate is so dark of an emotion. It is also not just limited to feelings of self, but it is spewed upon others. This is so apparent in our culture these days. Hate is flung about carelessly and is hitting people that it should not be. The more we hate, the more we lose our humanity.

On this, September 10 2017, we are on the eve of the 16th Anniversary of one of the darkest days to ever hit American soil. The theme of that dark day, Hate. People who hate our way of life and what we stand for so much, that they attacked and killed nearly 3,000 people on that day. Humanity only seems to remember that destruction that hate brings right in the aftermath of such tragedies. People throughout this country and the world are spreading hate so carelessly that it is just like fuel for people who are looking for an excuse to express their darkest desires. Hate spreads evil. What is it that Yoda said? Fear leads to Anger, Anger lead to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering.

I am saddened by so many people that I have known, loved, and cared for who have been seduced to this style of thought in the last few years. People who used to keep me in check by making me smile and look on the bright side of life are now being seduced by this anger and hate. No one knows these feelings more than me, because I let them rule and run me for so long. These days I pay for those decisions. Granted I had an interesting life because of them, but it burned me up for so long. I have had so much reason to hate, but if anything the last 2 years have taught me, there is no time or reason for hate, because it just drags you down. And self-pity, the worst.

I wish people could learn my lessons by not actually have to go through them, but the best I can do is tell them what I think. I hope someday those people let their anger and hate go, and return to loving life the way they used to.

Love your life, love your self, and above all, love others.

Much Needed Clarity

As most of my family and friends know, I am plagued by migraines. The first one I remember was at 9 years old when I lived in California. At this point in my life they are an accepted nuisance. I have been through the spectrum of diagnoses with many doctors and I have many tools in controlling them. It seems to be genetic as I am the 4th generation in my family (that we know of) to suffer from them. Over the last 2 weeks, I have had 5, which sucks because I had gone a whole month without a single one.

That, however, is not the point of this post. Constant migraines tend to make me slow down and see everything in a more objective light. After a few days of consistent migraines, I reached a moment of zen. I woke up and I was feeling so forgiving. I finally forgave everybody for everything that has happened in the past couple years. And I decided to finally forgive myself. People still throw blame around for everything, but I have decided to let go of all those grudges. My family is notorious for holding on to grudges for a long time, which is probably why everybody is eternally stressed. Don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of people that I can't stand, but instead of getting angry, frustrated, and/or hating, I have decided to just walk away. This new focus gives me an unbelievable amount of peace. I'll let everyone else hate and go berserk, but I do not want any part of it.

The downside is that a lot of people I care about who have turned their backs on me will be left behind, but evidently this is what I must do. I have learned that I want to hold onto too many things to preserve my past, but some will have to be left behind.

Smile, this is a happy time.

Difference

So today I kind of woke up in a new world. I spent the last couple days cleaning up messes left behind from my previous obligations. Today was kind of a clean slate, although I still have plenty to mop up. I did some symbolic stuff that actually closed some doors subconsciously. The conscious mind will have to be convinced that it is final.

I look around and my goals are morphing. They are no longer what they were just a few months ago. It is scary, but it is necessary. I was still carrying baggage from my previous life. Out of touch friends, quirks, and even life goals. I am truly over a lot of stuff. It is very unnerving, but I think I will be a better person in the end. I still have to figure out where I stand, but I am getting there. I no longer need any pity, I'm finally becoming myself again.

Smile people. I am here.

I'm pathetic

I made it a week without a crush. Totally pathetic on my part. What is wrong with me? I don't want to want anybody. Granted it's just a light crush, but I still melt whenever I see her.

KMN. (Kill Me Now)

Frame of Mind

Just read the headline of an article "You should right a love note to your crush."
It made me think, for the time ever, I don't have a crush, a secret love, or someone who "tickles my fancy."
For 20+ years I was either pining or actively pursuing someone. Today I am not. Even 4 months ago I was still in that frame of mind.
It's oddly peaceful when you don't have to worry about that stuff. Don't get me wrong I still have dating apps on my phone and if I thought someone was interesting enough, I would go out with them, but it could be weeks before I touch those apps and everyone I come across in real life just doesn't seem to rev my engine.
It is a weird thing to reflect on. I still have friends who are actively looking for their soulmates, but I am at a moment where it does not even factor into my priorities.
Sorry ladies, this guy has better things to do.

Nostalgia

So the last 24 hours have been a nostalgia trip. I started off with having a dream that sent me into a panic spiral. I was having a close moment with someone I care about and I ended up hitting my head hard and getting my 10th concussion. The symptoms were all there and everybody left me behind. Freaked me out so bad that I woke up. Then I started getting hit with waves of nostalgia. Things I hadn't thought about in years. Little things, like movies sparking memories of nights that I had forgotten until now. Little memories that I hadn't remembered in a long time. Granted, tomorrow I'm having a BBQ with the boys, but the waves of nostalgia have been intense. I think my mind wants something that I still haven't unraveled yet. We'll see if tomorrow night I get to decipher a few things before I lose my mind.

The New Plan

So an update after my minor, my life-altering panic from Tuesday, I have made a few decisions and have a basic plan. After lots of thought, praying, and time to talk it out, I have decided I am giving myself until Memorial Weekend 2018 to find happiness in my life here. If I am unsatisfied and feeling alone still, then I will move on. Most likely it will be to Colorado or California, where I still have support systems in place, but I cannot stay here if I have nothing to look forward to.

I have tried, believe me, but I feel myself slipping in a direction that I just cannot let myself go. So a tentative plan, but a plan nonetheless.

Whatever

Definitely how I feel about my life, right now, whatever. You could say I'm no longer at a crossroads, but at a turning point. I have to turn my life in a different direction. I'm frustrated, I'm dissatisfied, and I really feel listless. I am at my early mid-life crisis. I don't trust people around me, I don't trust women. I hate this. I want my fire back. It burned so bright and I was so certain about everything. How do I find that again?

Until then, whatever.

7 so far

7 days have passed since I posted anything permanent on social media. I have commented and liked some stuff, but even that has been minimal. I have posted cryptic disappearing stories, but nothing has peaked anyone's interest so far. Truly fascinating.

Nobody has asked anything, I wonder how long I can do this before I get my first question. And another question, who was the lone mystery reader on my last blog post?

An Experiment

So for the month of May, I have decided to completely minimize my social media presence. I won't be posting on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. Except for disappearing stories. I really don't post on Google+, so that won't be a problem.

I am curious to see if people notice. I am gonna go with probably not. But I am curious. I usually post a couple things a day, but if I go down to nothing, will my friends notice?

Breakdown

So I had an interesting discussion less than 48 hours ago. I guess people wonder why I am so open about personal feelings on social media compared to previous years where I hardly said anything.

"Honestly, if I did not say things on Facebook, I would more than likely disappear and no one would ever see me again. Not friends, not family, not those that I cherish most. I am at a point in my life where my demons have begun to fly to the surface. Friday night I was spiraling so out of control to the point where I was having a nervous breakdown. I did everything I could to distract myself: Long walks, video games, and even drinking to mask the pain. But the spiraling just kept going. I went to sleep and woke up in the morning tired, my eyes aching from crying. I went into the living room and on every dry erase surface were negative messages, directed at myself. I was letting myself know that there was no hope, no reason to live. The demons were out and controlling me."

I went on describing the series of life events that had been on my mind, leading directly to this spiral. The final straw was when Tootsie died. It finished me off. There were lots of other things, but they are too many to go into detail. I think the biggest thing is that I want to have the fire that I did when I came from war. I was a force to be reckoned with. But like any great man, I fell in love. And when my heart was broken, I quickly tried to find someone else. The person that I found turned out to be a monster wearing a mask. I married that person and she turned me into a person that I was ashamed of being. I am still ashamed. I long to recapture who I was. The problem is that the support system I had back then, is no longer there. Everyone I had has either changed radically or is a shadow of the person they once were. Everybody has become so consumed with other things, that I have been left behind. I am alone in my part of life. The loneliness has become so overwhelming that on Friday night my sanity was in question. I was ready to take myself to the VA and do a self-commital to the psych ward. I would never hurt myself, but I did find myself wanting to fall asleep and never wake up.

For those of you who have known me well over the years, this is completely out of character for me. But this is how far I have fallen. I posted like a mad man on Friday, but I guess that was my cry for help. Sad thing is, only one person recognized that, and I thank you for that Nate. The people who used to look out for me in this manner, are nowhere to be seen. This is why I feel so alone. Everyone moved on and I seem to be stuck. How stuck am I? I fell in love with a woman 12 years ago, I loved her even when I was married to someone else, I still love her, and I will love her until the day I die. This woman rules my heart and there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how much I have lied to myself trying to move on, I haven't been able to. I am stuck, spinning my wheels in the mud, longing for things that I have no right to long for anymore.

Obviously I need a tow truck to pull my ass out of the deep mud I seem to be wading in. I plug on, going through the motions called life. It's all I can do at this point. I must find something to have hope in again. How do I pick myself up? Do I have the right to tell the love of my life that I still truly love her? Honestly, the horizon is so dark, I have no idea what direction I should point myself towards. I don't think I can date because my heart already belongs to someone. *sigh* Adulting sucks.

Frustration

Frustration is definitely setting in. Tired of being jerked around. People love telling you what you want to hear, then bolt, leaving you hanging. I did that when I was married because I was tired of her. But I can't stand that from everyone else. I will not be destroyed by the vitriol of others. I am so bitter with the way people treat me with double standards.

I want to be happy again. I will love again. In fact I'm already in love again. But she has her own issues so there is nothing I can do, again. This is gonna be yet another sucky Valentine's Day. I've hated it for so long. I think I've only had two good ones in 2 decades. 1 with Christy (after our short-lived dating), 1 with Lizzy (right before we got married.)

I love Christy, I have loved her for 12 years, I will always love her. She is, in fact, the love of my life. To convince myself of anything else, would be a lie.

Baptisms by Fire

There are many baptisms in life. Religious ones. Life ones. Love ones. Some are good. Some are bad.
I can't even count how many at this point. These are events that have a profound effect on one's life.

The past drives, the future draws, but the present confuses.  Most of our culture tells us not to dwell on the past and always be preparing for the future. Some of our culture has started to participate in the "Only Now Matters" mentality. I myself spend a lot of time reflecting on the past and dreaming (planning) about the future. When I was younger I was very good about the moment, sometimes too good. But now I miss that youth and am trying to bring myself back to planning hard for the future. I know what made me live so much in the moment though. Baptism by Fire.

Nothing affected the course of my life more than my deployment. It shaped me, changed who I was (I'm sure some of that had to do with 3 concussions from head smacking and numerous other concussive blasts) and I was more forward with what I wanted. I definitely refused to waste time after I arrived home from Iraq. That year in the sand and various other months I spent at Army installations. I miss the spitfire I was, although I do have a lot more perspective to follow back on these days.

I had another Baptism by Fire last year, when I was divorced. They say the worst thing a person can experience is the death of a spouse. The second worst experience is Divorce. I was given another perspective though. Divorce may be the worst because there is no finality to it. Death is the end, divorce leaves a loose end. Now I'm not saying tying up that loose end is an option, but psychologically it is very damaging. It was definitely a rough experience because no matter how many divorces you witness, nothing prepares you for the experience of actually going through one. It took a long time but I finally got over everything and realized how much of a mistake my marriage was. (The other day I was really pissed about a habit I had created to circumvent her moods and I couldn't even put a name to her. I had actually forgotten her name for a minute.) I guess I have begun getting my closure.

I have to return to the moment and hope that there isn't another Baptism by Fire approaching. I would like to be at peace for once.

A Single Color

The color of Money.
The color of Luck.
The color of Life.
This color means many things to different people.
Greed, Ambition, Jealousy.
Growth, Harmony, Renewal.
We all see it in different Tones.
Green is beautiful or ugly,
Depending on what Lens it passes through.
For me, this color is special.
I was born on the Day of Green.
For some reason it permeates through me,
And in some instances, controls me.
Green Eyes have always exerted a special control,
Over my mind and sensibility.
But more than anything,
It is the strength behind the eyes.
There is a pair out there,
That I will never forget.
The heart and soul behind them,
Is someone that is Absolutely Amazing.
I fell for her,
Before, Now, and Always.
Envy and Jealousy,
Took her away.
But Luck restored,
And returned us to Communication.
I always have hope,
That Green will work, in my favor.

Moving On to the Inevitable (Dating... Blech!)

A long year, a lot of thoughts, but the biggest one is that I no longer think I am ready to move on, I KNOW I am ready. I've been reading a ton of stuff and it finally gave me the personal closure that I have been seeking. That and a trip to Colorado where I was not burdened with being abandoned like I had been the previous year. I have a great family and amazing friends who have stuck with me through this interesting ordeal.

I spent half my life seeking love and still fell short. I ended up looking in the wrong location because of a previous wound that I was trying to hide from, and ended up wounding myself far worse than I would have been if I had just stayed a lonely, crazy man. But now I get another chance to rewrite my life and be someone so much better than I was becoming. Exciting times.

So now that I am moving on, an interesting thought has crossed into my head, there will be dating again. So with that disturbing thought, came the question of what I find attractive in women. After reading some articles I guess most people look at the smile first. Although I appreciate a good smile, the eyes are what I look at first. I started thinking, most of the women I have dated in my life had green eyes. Some had blue, but I have actually never dated a woman with brown eyes. My ex had hazel and that is the closest I have ever gotten to dating someone with brown eyes. I have been set up a couple of times, but I don't recall any of them having brown eyes, and if they did, the date must have been so bad that I'm blocking all memories of them out, but I digress. So my favorite eyes definitely have been green, but I do like blue eyes as well. We are visual creatures, so looks do matter, but honestly with the eyes it is more about the light behind the eyes.

If someone does not have very much light behind their eyes, then they tend to be dead inside. But I love finding that great light behind the eyes, because that means they have a wonderful heart to back up those eyes. Then if there is smiling (especially when it comes to me) that just completes that initial connection.

Hair color is an interesting one. Before Iraq I dated a mix, but post Iraq I have a tendency to prefer blondes. The only brunette I dated is the one I married and we all know how that turned out. Just kidding, but I don't know where I stand on hair color anymore.

All other features of a woman depend on the woman, personality and initial attraction, which actually carries a lot of weight in my book. But even before that, my instincts kick in on who I like and who I don't like. If I have to talk myself into liking someone, that truly is a disaster in the making.

Ugh, the idea of dating fills me with dread. I hated it the first time around and I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to like it any more this second time around. But if I refuse to do something out of fear, then I am just limiting my life and harming myself further than I have already been in these last ten years.

There is always hope.

New Year, New (Yeah Right)

It's over. I have officially blocked her and her new beau on both Facebook and Instagram so there is no temptation to look at their stuff and no way for them to look at mine.
My life will move in, a helluva lot faster than it did last year. Last year was ugly for me. Heartbreak, disappointment, frustration.
I can't wait to see what today has in store for me.