Inconcievable

So I had an unexpected response from my Blog. Courtney read it and called me. She called me intending to ask me to stop blogging about her and ended up talking for an hour and coming to a comprimise. She can call me and talk to me and we are going to try the friendship thing. So as she said, the saga continues. BUT... There is nothing else, I cannot walk down that road again. So she and I both get what we want and everybody else does as well. My heart is my own and I'm not looking for love, school is my priority. I will admit, part of me still loves her, but as a friend. So here goes nothing...

The Saga Ends

Yet another Chapter in my life has closed (which ironically is pretty close to the end of the year), and I get to look forward to a brighter future because those last pages of this chapter were pretty dark. But I'm not sad because I knew that this Thanksgiving would make or break my relationship with Courtney. It broke it and I can go back to being the Fun and Fancy Free Chris I was before. As for my life... It's pretty good. I have good friends and family and I'm finally doing well in school and I've gone for 3 semesters in a row (even though I bombed last semester.) I'm signed up for 18 credits and am finally into the classes that matter for my degree. It's so nice. Stupid generals... Anyways, I had a fun Thanksgiving and it looks like it's gonna be a fun Christmas. Jason (my army buddy and stockroom co-worker at Kirkland's) and I are gonna go snowboarding this season and our first outing is gonna be Christmas Day. Open presents at like 6 and then take off for the slopes. I can't wait.

My biggest regret is that I did turn down a few gorgeous women that I probably could've had some really good times with, but I was still enamored with Courtney (and Christy), so I missed out on those opportunities. Then reason that I'm not sad is that it releases stress on me, because everything was on her terms. When she called, she wanted to talk. If you didn't talk, she would get upset. So not having to worry about when she calls and make sure a female voice can't be heard when she does, takes a load off. Also I am the kind of person who does not submit. She needs someone who does submit. I comprimise, but I still want my say. Even in the Army, I still put my say in. So I don't know how to submit, so expecting it of me is asinine.

So I'm pushing on with a full blessing from my family. They are tired of me being upset over one girl. Even my friends are. So I focus on school and hang out with people who will never use me and be supportive without expecting anything but my friendship in return. This is nice. Too many fish in the sea, especially here. My cousin Candice is the one who stresses this one the most. She thinks I'm absolutely adorable and deserve only the best. My aunt agrees. So who am I to argue with them? My dad told me to stop looking and do what I need to do for myself, not for anyone else. And that's where I stand. Friends. That's all I need. Don't need drama. Relationships in college are stupid anyway, they just get in the way. Jason said it best "College is for learning. With all those boys on that list, how did she have time for school?" I laughed my ass off. He has a point. My dating average is 3 girls a semester, she had 7 plus. Wow. Okay then. Sorry, I pay $200 a semester and can't justify wasting it, how can she justify burning however much she does (and remember she's paying out-of-state at a private university.) Normally I wouldn't say this stuff in public, but she turned it into a grudge match with the stuff she posted on her blog. So I guess I can vent.

I love all of you who have been good to me and thank you for supporting me for the last 13 months (or less.) I appreciate all of you and will never forget your kind ears and generous advice. Thank You!

100%

So Courtney totally pushed me away now and so I no longer will even try with her. The reason for this can be read on her blog http://thegirlofyourmomsdreams.blogspot.com
I now realize that I should've pushed her away the first time she lied to me, last December. Now I feel like I've wasted a year of my life and a lot of money on a horrible investment. I spent $500 on her ticket to California, over $1000 on my trip to Tulsa to see her. Hundreds on stuff that I've sent to her. Karen always told me I was too good for her, now it's totally apparent to me. I was so nice to her last night and she had already written that blog so she can go live out there in her paradise Tulsa. Power to you and good riddance.

If you haven't gotten what I'm saying, I'm 100% done with the lies, the secrets, and the guilt trips. Done. 100% done with Courtney Wilson.

Chest Pains

So as Ryan is having anxiety attacks, I am having chest pains. I only have them once in a while (like every other year), but this is twice in one week. My heart is broken, my faith shattered, and hope vanquished. I am now a shell of what I once was. Between Courtney informing me that she has a boyfriend, Christy getting my hopes up, then turning me down again, and Savanna constantly going after guys nowhere near the likes of me, I find myself wondering why I stay here. Why do I sit here and take the constant punishment? If I wanted punishment I could go into the army full time and get paid a helluva lot better than I am now. I find myself longing for Iraq, because then at least life is an adventure. At least I know I'm doing something for someone else. Instead I go to school and work day after day, trying to stay on top, for what purpose I do not know. I have dreams, but they all involve me sharing my life with someone. I'm 23 and all alone. I love my best friend, but she doesn't feel the same about me. What is wrong with me? Why can't girls love me for longer than 5 minutes? Enough of my troubles. I'll just go back to my tears...

Raw

So once again Christy has decided she doesn't like (who knows why) so I get to sit back at square one again. I'm so sick of this over and over again. I make concessions in my life and nothing comes of it. And then people get upset with me when I don't make time for them. What's up with that. So my emotions are in turmoil and I have to sort them all out. Between the problems with Courtney and Christy messing with me, I just have to press on and make the most of my holidays. I will buck up and take it like I always do.

All Tied Up Inside

So Christy and I have been in hiatus. We both have feelings for each other and now don't know what to do about it. It's been like this since Sunday, but she was in California until yesterday. Now she's back and I want to spend every minute with her, but then I want space too. But I want to be as close to her when we first started being friends. I don't know what to do. Aaaaargh!!! Why can't things go by the book? CFRL says "Only Time Can Tell."

Come Sail With Me

So we went sailing today. Christy found out that 16 year olds don't know how to not be attached. Hahaha. So today was my last full day in California. We went sailing. We just sailed around the harbor mostly, but for 15 minutes we went out to sea and I remember just how fun it was. I miss it so much. Then we stayed around down in Orange County (did I mention that's where my grandpa's yacht is, Newport Beach? I even know the area where they film the O.C.) So we stayed in Orange County because Christy's two sisters were flying from Utah. But before that we went to the Island Mall in Newport. It was a really nice Outdoor Mall. It puts the Gateway to absolute shame. The stores are so nice and the fountains and Carousel are so cool. So we were there for a little over a couple of hours. But then we went to the airport. Christy had to get a special pass and go back to the gate to sign for taking responsibilty for the girls. Then we took them to their uncle's. But Ben and myself did notice that Justin had began hitting on Laura, the younger sister. It was just like icing on the cake. I told him to go home after we got back because I was tired of the crap he brought, a dog in heat. So tired of it. So now I'm gonna go to bed and sleep.

What is Going On?

So I asked my cousin to stay away from Christy and I asked her not to kiss him. But they did not listen. Nobody cares about how I feel. So drama comes to my vacation. And now I don't want to talk to either of them, because I'm not okay with it. People upset me. People are stupid. I can't do anything without having people be stupid around me. Christy looks at it likes it's a one time thing, but Justin is gonna beg me to bring her everytime, and I am not cool with it. At all. Our friendship just took a hit. I've lost my buzz because I knew it was gonna happen. I always know. It sucks. No matter what I do I can't win.

Thanksgiving

So here we are, on Thanksgiving Day. I am in California at my grandparent's house and Thanksgiving dinner is gearing up. It's so warm here. I love it. I'm driving around in a silver Dodge Ram (the only time in my life I will probably drive one.) It is nice and relaxing. I spent last night drinking with my grandpa, uncle, aunt, mom and step-father. It was pretty interesting. I snuck my little brother and cousin some too so they didn't feel left out. I ended up drinking the most and I don't even have a headache. Must be the elevation. It's so nice. I'll let you know some more later. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Relief is Finally in Sight

I finally got my history group project done (by myself I might add, losers) and now I am definitely feeling the relief of being at the end of the semester. So ready for vacation, am I. I can't wait for Wednesday morning. On to California and freedom. Rest and Relaxation and hopefully some sleep. But that last one is very doubtful. Aye-Yi-Yi. Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving Break.

So I have also ventured into myspace. I am at http://www.myspace.com/thedollarsymbol

Vacation

So I am going on vacation to California. I haven't been on vacation since July of last year. I'm not taking a week this time, only 5 days, but it will be nice. I wish I could take more, but that is not possible. I think I need a vacation from Courtney too. She is doing nothing but stressing me out. So I think I need to tell her that I'm not gonna talk to her while I am on vacation. But I want to be able to talk to her. That is the thing. I totally love and adore her. Aaaargh. It is so frustrating that you have no idea.

Saturday Night Fever

So on Saturday Night I had a dream that peaked my interest. But first I have to give you some back story.

The very first UVSC Volleyball game I went to was interesting. I went to it because I did not want to go to class. I had been sitting there at the game for about 3 minutes when one of the girls playing caught my eye. I quickly texted Ryan, because I knew he was back at the apartment, and asked him who #14 was. He quickly responded that her name was Camie Manwill and she was from Paradise, CA. I knew that I had to watch this girl play from now on, so I rarely missed an in-town volleyball game. (I even went and watched them play at BYU.) So needless to say, I have a huge crush on her, but can never find her at the school or find anybody who really knows her. Plus it is nearly impossible to get near the players after a game (and the season is over so there's nothing I can really do now.) So that's the back story, now onto the main event.

So my dream started with me being in a huge valley with mountains all around. I was being led by a man I knew to a house up high on the hills next to the mountain. It was a beautiful, multi-level home where the foyer was the center of the house and all other sections of the house came together. We knocked on the door and she answered. Camie. The girl that I had a huge crush on and that I had so wanted to meet. We walked in a she sat there talking to us. The man I was with then walked upstairs to talk to her father (because they were business partners) so we were left to talk. She then proceeded to tell me that she already had a boyfriend and that she didn't know why her father and the other guy (I call him this because I still have no idea what his relationship was with me) wanted us to meet. I told her that I really didn't have any idea. So we sat there chatting and she decided that I was a fun person and she did want to hang out with me, but just as friends. So we traded numbers and then our friendship began. We hung out a little bit, but we talked on the phone a lot. We soon became the best of friends and were talking and hanging out more. Then it came to the point where I found out that her and I were becoming closer than her and the boyfriend. Then it all stopped. For two days I couldn't get a hold of her and her parents said that she was kinda sick. One the third day I called her and she was pretty quiet. I asked her if she was okay, but she wasn't very responsive. So then I asked her "What is going on?" Then she told me, "I've fallen for you." I was in shock. I wanted her to like me, but I was at the point where I was expecting nothing to happen. Then she told me that she didn't know what to do with her boyfriend. I responded by telling her that she was confused so the best idea was to do nothing. But she quickly told me "no, I want to be with you. Don't you want to be with me?" I sat there quietly for a minute and then told her "Camie, I have wanted to be with you since the day I have met you."

So my dream ended there. I woke up and was pretty upset. I wanted more to the dream, but then it's probably not a good idea, because just thinking about how hot she is kinda drives me wild. Yeah, Saturday night. Just as I was starting to put her out of my mind, and Wa-Bam! She's right there at the top of my mind again. *sigh*

She Makes Me Crazy!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Answer me at least out of courtesy! Is it really that difficult?!? I guess so...

Simplicity

So I find myself craving a simple life. My life is full of webs right now, webs that entangle me, but that I can still walk on. But because I keep stumbling, the spider keeps attacking me. So I keep creeping on. Everytime I try to free myself, more webs appear. And I think I have identified the spider. Ugh. Where's my bug spray?

Time

Don't you feel it ticking? Just going along, passing by. Hahaha. I'm tired. I can't wait to go to California for week of vacation. It'll be nice. Too bad Courtney and I had our falling out because we were gonna go together. Oh well

So Confused

Courtney and I have agreed to start over, but I still feel uneasy. I still love her. I just hope she means what she's been telling me, because this is it. I want to be with her. I can't take anymore hits to my heart from her. My grandmother and my aunt want me to be rid of her and my mom and dad just want me to be careful. She's so young, and so wild, but I care about her so I'm giving her every chance I can. I just hope she realizes that my feelings are wrapped up in her. Please don't hurt me Courtney because I really do love you.

What Explanation?

I don't see why I need to have an explanation for everything. Sometimes feelings can't be explained, but I do my best. There are times where you have to realize that some things you just have to let be. I know it's hard and human nature makes us inquisitive, but I am not omnipotent, so i don't have an explanation for everything in this world or myself. How I feel is how I feel. If I am disgusted, then I feel disgusted. If I am sad, I feel sad. Not everybody feels the same about everything. But there are some things that I just find gross, and I really don't want to be around those things. If people are doing things that I dont want to have anything to do with, then I don't have anything to do with those people. I have thrown away many friendships because my values no longer were in sync with theirs and the activities that they participate in make me sick or uneasy. At this point in my life, I am cutting out the stresses in my life, so don't expect to be a part of my life if the stuff you do stresses me out. I don't need it and don't want it. All that matters is that I go to school and get my degree. Anything else is trivial. This is my time, so don't think you can make yourself number one in my life, because my school is.

Another Loss

Due to certain circumstances that are unagreeable with my moral standards, Courtney and I will now have no more contact with one another. At least, this is my intention. For the first time in a long time, I was having a fun time at my Army Weekend and she managed to ruin my mood Saturday night and Sunday morning I was totally turned against her and she has no one to blame but herself. I'm done with her. And at this point in my life I have calculated that she is responsible for 75% of all the drama that I experience. Since I am attempting to eliminate as much bad influences and sources of stress from my life, I have to eliminate Courtney, someone who has earned my total disgust. I have discussed the situation with my closest family and friends and they have all agreed that I have made the correct decision. If you read this Courtney, you have until the 14th to return the phone to me. So tell everyone you have to change phone numbers. I think you should get one for out there since you are so in-depth into the Tulsa social circles. Goodbye and so long.

The Whatever Complex

I have now reverted to saying "Whatever." I was driven to this by many people and quite frankly, I don't care anymore. My charity is now at an end. Ya'll are on your own.

Gone

Amelia took off on Tuesday. Shortly after I left for work is when she disappeared. She was gone by the time my bro woke up. It was a sad day for all of us. It was topped off by my car dying every chance it gets. My life is definitely not what it once was. Right now, I'm just tired. So tired and worn out. All I do is shrug. Whatever...