Not Good

So Courtney informed me today that because of her new job, she probably won't be able to go to California with me. That hurts. I waited so long to set everything up and when she finally gave me the go ahead last week, I did it. And now... Sadness. Honestly I have been daydreaming about this trip for the last 2 weeks, but now my dreams are crushed. You know, I ask for very few things, but this is one of those things that I desire greatly. And now I could be disappointed greatly. Not to mention I stand to lose quite a bit of money. $500 for her ticket. It's a waste if it doesn't get used. The trials I endure. Oh my. Whatever.

Another Day in Wonderland

So I sent Courtney a package last week (that was the whole gonna be murdered thing). She recieved it, well yesterday now. She was so happy, but frustrated with me. It's funny how she can overlook things so easily with me. So she has this friend who is just begging me to take her to California for Thanksgiving also. And don't get me wrong, this girl is cute, but I have no idea what my family would say. We're already strapped for space at the grandparent's house, and I don't know if we're gonna be able to use my aunt's house to stay over at. So I don't know. Right now I'm brushing it off as a passing thought. It was tempting though, I just don't understand. And then I got to see her on webcam today and she's gorgeous. So I guess my instincts are still on. HAHAHA. I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.

As for Texas, as of right now I'm not going. They have enough volunteers, but that can change at anytime. That's the army way. So I hope I don't go because it would really interfere with everything that I have tried to build over the last year and a half. Both my mom and my dad would like me to finish school before I turn 30. And I want to finish before Courtney does. Just because I want to have a life in progress so we don't have to worry about anything while she's at medical school. Yes, I still want her more than anything else on God's Green Earth. I saw her and she is still so incredibly intoxicating. And her hair is so long and gorgeous. I love her.

So Hard to See

Sometimes it's hard to see everything that is going on, especially the stuff that happens right under your nose. It's weird. I can't believe how many people thought that I abandoned them. I haven't. I just have so many things on my plate at this time that I've just been looking out for myself. Sorry everybody. I'm trying to include everyone still. It just is that the only one that I've really wanted to spend time with is so far away, my dear Courtney. I still adore her, so much. I can't wait till she comes home in 2 1/2 weeks. I miss her. But soon.

Ryan and I are going to see AIDA on Friday. YAY!!! And then Kelly, I expect you to come play with us...

I'm Sorry Megan

This is my problem. I felt genuinely offended when you said that "i'm glad you and satan are getting along so well. at least you have a friend!" I have never had anyone accuse me of walking hand in hand with the dark one. You've got to realize I watch the dark stuff like a hawk. Because I'm scared to death of it. Both sets of my grandparents were deep in religion and all of their kids rebelled and renounced their faiths. So all of us grandkids were left in hiatus while young. My mother jumped religions constantly, so I got an open look at the whole world. I've studied religion since I was young and have an excellent idea of what I believe in. Then my mother went staunch catholic and it's been awkward for me since. So I'm very skeptical when it comes to religion. Don't take offense that I question the prophet, it's only natural for me. My faith is rock-solid, my faith in religion is not. These are a few of the many reasons that I do not attend church. Right now I feel like I am on the ocean, during a Cat 5 Hurricane. I'm not whole, I'm incomplete. I feel that if I go to church, then I'm fake. Just like a lot of the people who go to chuch because it is "the thing to do" on Sunday. And if I am with those people, then I just feel worse. I am drifting and I am just preparing myself for my return to Iraq. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be returning. The only way that I won't is if I am medically unable to go, and then I might as well be dead.

Back to my apology. I am sorry. I never wanted to offend you, I never wanted to upset you. I'm sorry that I'm so belligerent towards religion, but it is me. Don't take it personally. In the darkest of arenas is where I shine the brightest. And right now, I'm invisible. It hurts. And I feel hollow. My apologies. You are very good person and I know this. So I will stay away from you, because I fear that all I can do is harm you.

Judgement

Thank You for showing me the error of my ways. Thank you for making me realize that I was wrong and there is no place for humor in this world. I now know that I must change the way I talk and write, and I will keep this in mind for all of my future activities. I am a bad person and must change so I can fit in.

Ironing Things Out

So the waters seem to be smoothing over. Finally I'm starting to get control. And it seems like everyone else is too. Sorta. I mean you have your windbursts all the time (and there's no way that everyone is gonna be happy at the same time) but it seems that the majority of us are goin' good. I am, however, going to be murdered before the week is over. It is going to be interesting, for sure, but I think it is something that I have to experience. Then on the 13th day I will rise from the dead (no resurrection for me, that was reserved for the savior, so my rotten corpse gets to walk out of the grave on it's own) and it's 13 days because of the innate amount of evil inside of me. Hahaha. So look for the signs, no earthquakes or black skies, just the world rejoicing upon my death, and screaming when I return. Enjoy.

SMALLVILLE!!!

So I am officially caught up in the Smallville world and I can watch it as it comes out every week, except that it is on Thursday Nights at 7. AND I'M IN CLASS!!! I'll survive. They will now be required to tape it for me and I am going to watch it every Thursday night. It is definitely something to look forward to on a weekly basis. But it was a stressful finale. Even Ryan was white knuckled. So I finished it in 5 days. And now I have to wait 11 days for the premiere. I'm gonna go crazy. I have to know what happenned. He's gonna find the Fortress of Solitude. And a lot of stuff is gonna happen in this season. I hope Johnathan Kent doesn't die in this one. He's too nice.

And then there's Lois. I love the way that they really don't like each other. It plays so perfectly into their love affair later. They loathe each other, then they get along, but everyone knows that they want each other. Hahaha. And who can blame him for wanting her...

Worthwhile

At this moment in time, I slammed into to the ground, on my emotional rollercoaster. Normally I scrape my knees and then go back up. But this was a full on, 200 mph slam face first into the ground. I woke up with a headache and a sour stomach. I went to work so I could catch up everything, and I was planning to stay for 3 hours. I ended up staying for 5 1/2. I ended up with a full blown migraine and completely emotionally drained. So I went to my dad's to relax and just got more sick. I passed out on my grandmother's floor. I ate, watched a movie and then went back to my apartment. Now I just sit here, escaping into my alternate reality. Smallville, Smallville, Smallville.

Er

Ahh, Er.

Buddies

So I went to the Orem High Football game tonight. Homecoming 2005. Orem played Provo. It was fun. The three of us were totally having fun, until Orem through the game away in the last two minutes. That really sucked. We did however get to see all the girls that we used to know back when we were in High School. Crushes galore coming back up to the surface for all of us. Then we went to Applebee's after and just talked and talked. It was nice for all of us to hang out together. It's definitely been a while. Since right after my birthday if I remember right. But we had fun and I think we're gonna do it again.

Escape

Oh My. I wish I could just live in the Smallville Universe. So many hotties. Alicia, Lana, Lois. Ouch, ya'll are killing me. Except, THEY KILLED ALICIA!!! UNACCEPTABLE!!! She was definitely the hottest out of all of them. She was just the right height, dirty blonde with green eyes. Yikes. Mmmm. Oh, why can't I get a girl who looks just like her. And her voice, so soft. It was so pretty. Just like her. I nearly died in their Vegas Honeymoon scene. Her garters... My Lord. Too much for me too handle. I will miss you Alicia.

A Little Joy on a Cloudy Day

So it's Tuesday September 14. Smallville Season 4 came out today. That is the show that I've looked forward to since last summer. I hate waiting a whole year to see the show, but it beats waiting around week by week.

So I've noticed nobody is posting right now. I'm pretty busy nowadays, but I still post. But, whatever. Oh, and Courtney, get better. Sorry to have gotten you sick while I was out there. I Love Ya.

The Love of My Life

I have to post this. I love Courtney Beth Wilson. And I do mean love. Like I can't stop thinking about spending the rest of my life with her love. Everyday I wake up thinking about her and before I go to sleep I think about her. I used to text her first thing in the morning and right before I went to sleep. But because of the lack of texts she has on her plan, I have to settle for just thinking about her. I don't like to call her, because everybody else calls her so much and stresses her out. So I think about her, and I pray for her, and I love her.

When I first laid eyes on her, I was walking into work after school last October. First thing that I noticed was a girl with a cute butt leaning over the counter talking to Carole. I walked in and clocked in. Barely looking at her. She looked up at me and then I was introduced to her. I said hi politely, then went in the back and started working. I had been told that she had a boyfriend, so I just didn't even consider her an option. I kept on seeing her and I knew that she was pretty cute and pretty small, but dang cute. So I started to make sure that I could work with her, because I thought she was cute. Then everything started right before she got her wisdom teeth out. One Saturday, Carole told her that I was extremely ticklish and she dared her to tickle me. Then she started rubbing the back of my head. It freaked me out because this girl has a boyfriend and she's touching a very sensual spot on my body. After a couple of hours of her chasing me around the store I finally gave in and let her rub my head. After that it started to become normal to me. Kinda freaked me out though. I didn't want to like her.

So she went and got her wisdom teeth out and then she got sick so she was gone for a week. She came back and and had to take all the tests for work. So I was volunteered to sit back there and help her out with the tests. It took us so long because we just flirted with each other. By then it was apparent that I had a crush on her. That Saturday I ended up telling her that I liked her more than I should. The next week I came in one day because everyone was sick, including me from food poisoning. But I came in to help them out anyway. Then to my joy I found out she was working too. She told me that she was confused because she had four boys liking her at once. So I just shrugged it off, and pretty much told myself that she was unavailable. That Friday I came in right before I had to go off to Army and saw her. I was so excited. We were looking at a display that she had to put together and she walked up from behind, stood next to me and put her head on my arm. I knew then that she liked me too.

The next Tuesday she worked early in the day and I stayed until 7. When I walked out, she was there. She looked up and I asked her if she ever left that place. I walked on out of the store heading to my car. Then, to my surprise, she texted me. I turned around and she was walking behind me. I waited for her and then we started talking. Then I took her for a ride in my car. We talked and flirted. I could tell that she really liked me. I took her back to her car and she went home. A couple hours later she started texting me. We texted for like 2 hours and then she told me to call her. I did and we talked all night. That was the first of many all-nighters. We started to become close. A couple months later we had a falling out, but then shortly after New Year's, we healed it up. We had ups and downs for months, but things seemed to be going ok. Then we had a good sized fight right before my birthday, but then we made up the day before my actual birthday. And smooth sailing for a month. She broke it off with her boy and then shortly thereafter I had a fight with her and pulled out all friendship with her for about 3 weeks. Then after I had given up on her, and she had pretty much given up on me, she came into work and asked if she should be transferred out front. I told her that it was up to her. Then I started to warm up to her again. And since then we have been solid. We had a fight for less than 24 hours right before she left, but it was handled by saying she wanted to spend her last night with me.

And after she left was the hardest time for me. I have missed her everyday since. My trip out there was a real eye-opener for me. I realized how absolutely in love with her I am. And now I'm lovesick. I count down the days until I can see her again and talk to her as much as I can without driving her crazy, which kinda sucks because I generally let her call me. But everytime I talk to her it absolute joy. And when she is hurting, I'm hurting. I feel a deep bond with her. I don't know if she feels it, but I do.

You are the light in my life. You are the star that guides me through the night. You are my sun and my moon. You are my definition of beauty. Your beauty is so radiant that it blinds me to all other things. I adore you more than anything in this world. You are so wonderful, amazing, hot, sexy, and passionate. I love how crazy you are and how full of life you are. I love your smile, and your laugh. I love how you freak out about how you look when I'm getting close to seeing you, I love how you tease me. I love looking into those incredible eyes of yours. I love it when you curl up next me or lay your head on my chest. I love falling asleep with you in my arms, and I love staring at you until I fall asleep. Most of all, I love kissing you. You are the most passionate girl that I have ever met. You are incredible, and I would not trade you for anything in this whole world. And I hope to spend the rest of my life with you. Because I am so incredibly, head-over-heels, killing me every day, can't stop thinking about it in love with you.

I Love You Courtney Beth Wilson, now and forever.

Remembrance

4 Years and Still Feeling the Wound...

Freedom

Never Forget Those Who Have Fallen

Favorite Songs

So every year I put together a list of my favorite songs for the year, you know the ones that really kept me upbeat or calm for the year. This year is kinda different because it's 5 years since I got out of school, so I'm putting together a retro-list and I think I'm gonna need help. So if everyone can give me their 5 picks out of this list. The list is not final till December 28, so I've got a while. And the list will probably change over the next few months. If there is a song you don't know and want to listen to, let me know. I'll send it to you. Here they are, I broke them up into 4 categories.

Rock

The Red - Chevelle
The Man Who Sold the World - David Bowie
Desperado - Eagles
Hotel California - Eagles
Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit
Tainted Love - Marilyn Manson
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
No More Tears - Ozzy Osbourne
Brain Damage & Eclipse - Pink Floyd
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
She Hates Me - Puddle of Mudd
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
Creep - Radiohead
Logical Song - Supertramp

Pop

Boom Boom - Britney Spears
My Prerogative - Britney Spears
Slave 4 U - Britney Spears
Dirrty - Christina Aguilera
Bring Me to Life - Evanescence
My Immortal - Evanescence
Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
Come Clean - Hilary Duff
The Reason - Hoobastank
Ain't No Mystery - Smash Mouth
In My Head - No Doubt

R&B / Rap

Peaches and Cream - 112
Candy Shop - 50 Cent
Oh - Ciara
Say My Name - Destiny's Child
Forgot About Dre - Dr. Dre
The Next Episode - Dr. Dre
Without Me - Eminem
Hot in Herre - Nelly
If - Nelly
Yeah - Usher


Old Stuff (Pre-70's)

And I Kissed Her - Beach Boys
And I Love Her - Beatles
Something - Beatles
Stand By Me - Ben E. King
Yesterday - Beatles
Minnie the Moocher - Cab Calloway
Band on the Run - Paul McCartney
Time of the Season - Zombies

A Moral Code

These are my 9 laws. Everybody asks what rules I live by, because my Rules for Life are guidelines, but these are the lines. I don't like to cross these, because they are my strength.

Chris' Moral Code

1. Lying is evil. The only lying allowed is to protect the innocent from direct harm due to forces of evil.

2. Help others in need. Although limit generosity to prevent dependancy.

3. Rape is evil. Use all means necessary to bring those who committed the crime to Justice.

4. Killing is only necessary for defence and to protect the innocent who will be harmed.

5. Women are divine beings trapped in human form. Treat them as such.

6. Judgement is for God and Society. Opinions can be solicited, otherwise keep your mouth shut.

7. I can refrain from exposing any part of my life, unless it is causing conflict or drama in the lives of others.

8. Free Will has been given to all. Our ability to choose our lives is a divine gift. No interference.

9. Moral Judgement resides in the soul. Divine law is of God, Guidelines are of Man.

September

Oh, how I loathe September. This month marks the beginning of school and other kinds of stress, like Governor's Day for the National Guard. Ever been paraded around? No. That's because you guys aren't considered animals. Let's just say it sucks. Especially when the Governor arrives an hour and fifteen minutes late. Not very nice, sir. Thanks for making us more miserable than we already were, sir. BLAH!!!

Ode to Sue

So Susannah is leaving us. On to Las Vegas. You brought humor and giggles into our lives. You showed us another way to look at every situation and you had a snide comment for everything. You made us laugh, you made us cry, you made us unbelievably happy and relaxed. Thank you for the good times and the very wonderful friendship and kind ear. Thank you for CSI marathons and the ability to hideaway at a huge house (hahaha I added that one just for your amusement). Thank you for the parties, and the never forgetting about special days. Thank you for the eye rolls (it always let me know that the girl I was oogling was genuinely pretty) and thank you for giving me thick skin about my love of 12 year olds :-) . Everybody seems to think that I am indifferent, but I will miss you. Although the victory is, you now get to see me get plastered on the Strip. Now that is an experience in itself.

Goodbye Sue and good luck.

Looking Forward

Oh my. One day at a time. That's the way I do it. It's good to have goals but live in the now. Don't worry about all that crap that's gonna happen like next year. If I had all that stuff to worry about, I'd go insane. Tomorrow, work and school. Weekend, Army. Next Month, Halloween. November, Thanksgiving in California with Courtney and Family. Next Summer, Courtney. 2007, go back to Iraq. 2008 Come back from Iraq. 2009 Finish Degree in Forensic Psychology and marry Courtney. 2012 Finish up PHD in Forensic Studies. Have a few kids... Live happily ever after. Retire and move to Hawaii.

My Headache

Oh, I hate being approached and lectured on matters of faith. This is what frustrates me about Utah, being judged. I believe in the LDS faith, but I do have differences of opinion. I believe that no man is infallible, even the living prophet. Men warp the Word of God. It has been proven since the beginning of time. My belief is that what is said is guidelines. Divine Law is in your heart. If you cross it, then you will know. At least that is how it is for me. I have been indoctrinated with Catholicism and Mormonism since I can remember. I read the Book of Mormon when I was 7 and the Bible when I was 9. And even my interpretations may be off, but I cannot help believing what I believe. It is in my heart and if it were to change, then I feel like I'm betraying myself. My life is defined by constants. Divine Law is not fluid and changing, it is what it is. The Savior has not come back to update it. But as humanity evolves, our leaders try to tell us the best way to deal with the new issues, but it is not necessarily Divine Law. This is where I had my biggest problems with Catholicism, it has changed so much over time, that it isn't even the same as it was. Men warped it. It is trying to return to the way it was, but corruption runs so deep, that I could not believe a word that was being said. My faith was destroyed, so I ran off of what I thought, and did what I thought was right. Then I found the LDS faith and it was so close to what I believed in. But when I came back to Utah, I had so many people telling me how to run my life and all the things that were wrong with my life that it made me cringe. I dealt with it for a while, but when I came back from Iraq and the same things were starting up again, I went inactive. There was no way that I was gonna deal with that right as I got back, after being mega-stressed for over a year.

So here I am, inactive. And it's gonna be a while before I go active again. I have so many things that I have to work out with myself. I have so much work to do. And I don't have time to deal with people who think they know how to run my life better than I do. Cuz dammit, I'm doing the best I can.

*Sigh*

I miss Courtney. I really just wanted to stay. Stay there and have my things sent to me and be with her for all eternity. Corny, I know, but I love that girl. I thought that my mind would move on to something else, but those last 3 weeks have been total and utter hell for me. I've missed her so much that it made me sad and depressed. And when she was having a hard time, that made it so much harder on me.

But now things are getting smoother and I don't have to worry about her as much, I just get to look forward to the next time I can see her. 5 1/2 weeks. But oh how I want to be with her...

In due time, in due time. Immersing myself in studies and work is the only way to get around it.

Weather

Okay, so I am watching the weather extremely closelike out here. This is the reason that I have some extreme reservations about living out here. We are right down the middle of Tornado alley. I do not like Tornados and I never will, because of what I know of the physics of a tornado, I do not appreciate. The fact that they can send a straw through a tree is not a fun idea. And hurricanes can spit out tornados at random, so they are ten times worse. So here I am, looking at the weather, because I don't like it...

So BYU...

Umm... What's with those Cougars? When I was in high school they kicked trash, now what? I hope no one is dependent on BYU winning football games...

Courtney, Day 2

Oh my. She is a babe. I want to stay out here with her. It's gonna be so hard to leave. I wish I could stay here with her and date her and get my Courtney fix. But I have too many obligations out in Utah and she says that she's coming back after a year. It would be very nice. Then she could go to USU or UVSC. Either one is good for me. I can see her as much as I want. Just have to get rid of all the other boys...

Courtney

I am definitely a little crazy. I am out here visiting Courtney in Tulsa, Oklahoma. But you know what? Her screaming "Christopher!" and jumping into my arms made it completely worth it. Being away from her for 3 weeks has made me realize how much I am in love with her. She is such a big part of my life and her leaving has left a hole. When I come out here then all of the sudden I feel whole again. I miss her so much. And I got to see her!!! Oh, it's gonna be a great weekend. 3 whole days of Courtney. How am I gonna go 1, maybe 2 months without seeing her again? She says that I need to come out every 3 weeks. And you know what, I was very tempted. I love her to death. Oh I'm so happy.