You Asked

So for the last two weeks I've dropped off the face of the earth, I know. I've gone to work and school. The first week everything was going okay until Wednesday when our District Manager showed up. He turned our entire store upside down and against one another. By the end of the 3 days we were all so frustrated that everybody just wanted out. I even gave my notice. I'm giving them until the end of the semester. Friday night I was so stressed out and frustrated, I drank until I passed out on the floor. It felt so good. During that night, however, my friend Amelia called me from Las Vegas. She informed me that she was in the airport and she needed to get out. So I made her promise a few things and brought her back. When she came, all she had was the clothes on her and the stuff in her purse. We took her up to her parents house, but they wouldn't let her take any of her stuff she left behind unless she paid them $1800. So we brought her back. Then yesterday my dad took her back up there with police. She did everything her parents asked of her, but then they wanted more concessions. So when she refused, they told her that they no longer wanted anything to do with her. So now she is going to be staying at my dad's house for the time being. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I'm just extremely busy.

Chris Needs

1. Chris needs your sex talk
2. Chris needs to give me cancer
3. Chris needs a makeover
4. Chris needs to check everything that is going well
5. Chris needs a family that will stick with him through thick and thin
6. Chris needs to understand what we are selling
7. Chris needs to know
8. Chris needs feeding
9. Chris needs your help
10. Chris needs to focus on himself

All Alone

I feel so alone. I'm not alone, but I am. In my mind I feel alone. Nothing but sadness here... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Too Much

So I spend so much time on the internet updating Blog, MySpace, and Facebook that people are beginning to talk. They think that I am surfing for porn. Just kidding, but seriously, I spend too much time on the web. But I guess it's a way to meet people. I get so many invitations to parties around UVSC (and most of them are down in BYU housing). It's cool though. It's about time. With everything else changing, I might as well immerse myself into a group of new people. Time for some major changes. This happens every couple of years, where I have to start fresh, but this time it is way different because I've dropped a lot of old stuff and I almost have a clean slate. SO!!! Here's to beginnings...

It's Over...

So after nearly 6 years of friendship, Ryan and I are done. I thought I would let you know to avoid any awkwardness on your part, so don't expect the both of us to do anything together. And since most of everyone who reads this I met through Ryan, I still invite you to talk to me and be my friend, but do not force yourself or if there's an issue with loyalty, don't do it. Because that's where mine and his crumbled... (I'm not a loyal friend... he didn't say that, but it was implied... Whatever)

Cornered By Wolves

So, I'm pinned in a corner. The wolves are nipping at me, and I'm barely fending them off. The sad thing is that I'm all alone. No backup, no one to help me, I'm fighting them all by myself. Ryan blew up on me and I had my feelings hurt by Courtney. My car is still not running, I can't catch up at work because I'm trying to do the work of 3 men and school is suffering because I can't focus due to stress. I have cried so much in the past 48 hours. At home, at work, at school, in the car. And I'm expecting something else to happen. Because everytime I think it can't get worse, it manages to. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to put a good face on life, but then I think about the two people I can tell everything, and our relationships are on the rocks. Ryan barely talks to me and Courtney has a new crush. And I'm not saying that's a tragedy, but it usually means I get left in the dust. At a very low time in my life. Other people are willing to pick up the slack, and I appreciate it, but it surely is not the same. So I will continue to cry and try my hardest to press on, but honestly, I want to give up. I want to give up and go back to Iraq. In Iraq there was only one thing that I generally had to worry about, completing the mission. That's all. No drama, no juggling friends, no random pissed-off phone calls. Everyone appreciated you, and you could appreciate them. I have so longed for that simplicty over these past 48 hours. I'm actually starting to regret not going to Texas. How sad is that? I'm sorry. I'll go back to crying. So I hope none of you are looking for strength from me, because I can't even carry myself through a day without breaking down. I am so sorry.

The Last Week

Wow. You should've seen this week. My car overheats, I am overwhelmed at work, and a mistake walked back into my life. But, I get to see Courtney soon. She comes in on Friday and she informed me last night that I will see her sometime that night. I love it when she tells me things like that. I'm the kind of person that likes to give space, but she loves me to be close. I guess that's one of those things that I just adore about her. Oh I miss her and I'm excited to see her. Just have to get through this week, driving my grandma's minivan around town. At least I got to see Orem High smash Timpview in football on Friday. They haven't done that since I was a senior in high school. And UVSC Volleyball rocked Texas Pan-American on Saturday, which means I got to see a very attractive and energetic volleyball player showing them why UVSC is the bomb...

"The Lunatic is in my head, The Lunatic is in my head, You Raise the Blade, You Make the Change, You Rearrange me Until I'm Sane." - Pink Floyd

So confused. In a moment of weakness, I made a mistake. Now I'm paying for it, and in indirect consequences to. I don't get it. I'm crazy and I'm lonely. Locked up in my own seperate life. The mistakes we make and the consequences we reap. I wish I could go back to when I was generally innocent and walk down the right path from the beginning. If I had done that I would have been in a whole different world today. I could've been flying jets for the Air Force. That would've been sweet. Or I could've been an Naval Captain. Submarines. But no. I chose rebellion and that led me down the path that I am at today. I'll admit that I'm a very unique person and not a drone, but sometimes I think that I would have rather been a drone than have the collection of bad memories that I do today. So I call out

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon...

Ish Kish

So my car started overheating just randomly yesterday. So I checked the coolant level and noticed that it was horrifically low. So I filled it. And filled it. And today it was down again, so I filled it again. After work I took it to my dad and we drained it, flushed the entire radiator, and then filled it again. Then when he revved the engine, water started shooting out of the top of the radiator. Not out of any manufactured holes, but out of the top of the radiator itself, through a pretty good sized crack. A cracked radiator. Man, did I feel stupid. The worst part is that I saw it oozing this morning and thought nothing of it. My dad welded it today and tomorrow he's gonna put epoxy over it. So hopefully that solves the problem for now, in the mean time, I get to start looking for a new radiator for my vehicle. How lovely. But the good news is that Courtney still plans on going with me to California next month. And my DVD burner is working again. Ups and Downs, the story of life.

Something New

So I started something else online. It's called FaceBook http://www.facebook.com, it's pretty cool. Courtney got me started on it. You connect with people in your school and, in my case, even my apartment complex. For Courtney it's everyone in her dorm. It's pretty huge over there, semi-huge here. So if you want to, go for it.

Sorrow

I feel bad for people who have a hard time. Like I feel moments of plight, but then I usually push them behind me by the time I wake up the next morning. But some people dwell on them for a while. My heart goes out to those who have a hard time for a long time. Especially people who are waiting for a message from someone else. That was the hardest part for me being Iraq. So I distanced myself from reality, but then everyone started to get concerned about me, so I brought myself back. But then I got hurt pretty bad (and not physically) so I stopped talking a lot. I know how it feels to be blown off and how you just sit there waiting for the next message, or letter, or phonecall to get some news of what's going on. It hurts and worrying causes ulcers. Just ask my dad. So don't worry, be happy. I'm here for ya. And if you are having a hard time, just remember, you could always be Joe.

Not Good

So Courtney informed me today that because of her new job, she probably won't be able to go to California with me. That hurts. I waited so long to set everything up and when she finally gave me the go ahead last week, I did it. And now... Sadness. Honestly I have been daydreaming about this trip for the last 2 weeks, but now my dreams are crushed. You know, I ask for very few things, but this is one of those things that I desire greatly. And now I could be disappointed greatly. Not to mention I stand to lose quite a bit of money. $500 for her ticket. It's a waste if it doesn't get used. The trials I endure. Oh my. Whatever.

Another Day in Wonderland

So I sent Courtney a package last week (that was the whole gonna be murdered thing). She recieved it, well yesterday now. She was so happy, but frustrated with me. It's funny how she can overlook things so easily with me. So she has this friend who is just begging me to take her to California for Thanksgiving also. And don't get me wrong, this girl is cute, but I have no idea what my family would say. We're already strapped for space at the grandparent's house, and I don't know if we're gonna be able to use my aunt's house to stay over at. So I don't know. Right now I'm brushing it off as a passing thought. It was tempting though, I just don't understand. And then I got to see her on webcam today and she's gorgeous. So I guess my instincts are still on. HAHAHA. I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.

As for Texas, as of right now I'm not going. They have enough volunteers, but that can change at anytime. That's the army way. So I hope I don't go because it would really interfere with everything that I have tried to build over the last year and a half. Both my mom and my dad would like me to finish school before I turn 30. And I want to finish before Courtney does. Just because I want to have a life in progress so we don't have to worry about anything while she's at medical school. Yes, I still want her more than anything else on God's Green Earth. I saw her and she is still so incredibly intoxicating. And her hair is so long and gorgeous. I love her.

So Hard to See

Sometimes it's hard to see everything that is going on, especially the stuff that happens right under your nose. It's weird. I can't believe how many people thought that I abandoned them. I haven't. I just have so many things on my plate at this time that I've just been looking out for myself. Sorry everybody. I'm trying to include everyone still. It just is that the only one that I've really wanted to spend time with is so far away, my dear Courtney. I still adore her, so much. I can't wait till she comes home in 2 1/2 weeks. I miss her. But soon.

Ryan and I are going to see AIDA on Friday. YAY!!! And then Kelly, I expect you to come play with us...

I'm Sorry Megan

This is my problem. I felt genuinely offended when you said that "i'm glad you and satan are getting along so well. at least you have a friend!" I have never had anyone accuse me of walking hand in hand with the dark one. You've got to realize I watch the dark stuff like a hawk. Because I'm scared to death of it. Both sets of my grandparents were deep in religion and all of their kids rebelled and renounced their faiths. So all of us grandkids were left in hiatus while young. My mother jumped religions constantly, so I got an open look at the whole world. I've studied religion since I was young and have an excellent idea of what I believe in. Then my mother went staunch catholic and it's been awkward for me since. So I'm very skeptical when it comes to religion. Don't take offense that I question the prophet, it's only natural for me. My faith is rock-solid, my faith in religion is not. These are a few of the many reasons that I do not attend church. Right now I feel like I am on the ocean, during a Cat 5 Hurricane. I'm not whole, I'm incomplete. I feel that if I go to church, then I'm fake. Just like a lot of the people who go to chuch because it is "the thing to do" on Sunday. And if I am with those people, then I just feel worse. I am drifting and I am just preparing myself for my return to Iraq. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be returning. The only way that I won't is if I am medically unable to go, and then I might as well be dead.

Back to my apology. I am sorry. I never wanted to offend you, I never wanted to upset you. I'm sorry that I'm so belligerent towards religion, but it is me. Don't take it personally. In the darkest of arenas is where I shine the brightest. And right now, I'm invisible. It hurts. And I feel hollow. My apologies. You are very good person and I know this. So I will stay away from you, because I fear that all I can do is harm you.

Judgement

Thank You for showing me the error of my ways. Thank you for making me realize that I was wrong and there is no place for humor in this world. I now know that I must change the way I talk and write, and I will keep this in mind for all of my future activities. I am a bad person and must change so I can fit in.

Ironing Things Out

So the waters seem to be smoothing over. Finally I'm starting to get control. And it seems like everyone else is too. Sorta. I mean you have your windbursts all the time (and there's no way that everyone is gonna be happy at the same time) but it seems that the majority of us are goin' good. I am, however, going to be murdered before the week is over. It is going to be interesting, for sure, but I think it is something that I have to experience. Then on the 13th day I will rise from the dead (no resurrection for me, that was reserved for the savior, so my rotten corpse gets to walk out of the grave on it's own) and it's 13 days because of the innate amount of evil inside of me. Hahaha. So look for the signs, no earthquakes or black skies, just the world rejoicing upon my death, and screaming when I return. Enjoy.

SMALLVILLE!!!

So I am officially caught up in the Smallville world and I can watch it as it comes out every week, except that it is on Thursday Nights at 7. AND I'M IN CLASS!!! I'll survive. They will now be required to tape it for me and I am going to watch it every Thursday night. It is definitely something to look forward to on a weekly basis. But it was a stressful finale. Even Ryan was white knuckled. So I finished it in 5 days. And now I have to wait 11 days for the premiere. I'm gonna go crazy. I have to know what happenned. He's gonna find the Fortress of Solitude. And a lot of stuff is gonna happen in this season. I hope Johnathan Kent doesn't die in this one. He's too nice.

And then there's Lois. I love the way that they really don't like each other. It plays so perfectly into their love affair later. They loathe each other, then they get along, but everyone knows that they want each other. Hahaha. And who can blame him for wanting her...

Worthwhile

At this moment in time, I slammed into to the ground, on my emotional rollercoaster. Normally I scrape my knees and then go back up. But this was a full on, 200 mph slam face first into the ground. I woke up with a headache and a sour stomach. I went to work so I could catch up everything, and I was planning to stay for 3 hours. I ended up staying for 5 1/2. I ended up with a full blown migraine and completely emotionally drained. So I went to my dad's to relax and just got more sick. I passed out on my grandmother's floor. I ate, watched a movie and then went back to my apartment. Now I just sit here, escaping into my alternate reality. Smallville, Smallville, Smallville.

Er

Ahh, Er.